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Baked, Burger King, and Drive By: I HATE MY JOB. My job is so unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I worlk with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the f*king stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big dog to work. Every day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single day. Anyway, I drive these folks around in my van and we solve mysteries and s**t. Unlike Share nd 48 others like this you should probably go to TheMetaPicture.com srsfunny: My Job Is Just The Worst
Baked, Burger King, and Drive By: I HATE MY JOB.
 My job is so unbelievable.
 I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I worlk
 with:
 First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay,
 she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The
 girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She
 is extremely self-centered and has never once considered
 the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb
 as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has
 enough brain power to continue to breathe.
 The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even
 be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career
 opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She
 is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even
 showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. think she
 might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the
 hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
 But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the f*king stoner.
 And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In
 fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work,
 and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober
 anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses
 like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make
 things worse, he brings his big dog to work. Every
 day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk
 around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell,
 sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant
 bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry,
 requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King,
 every single day.
 Anyway, I drive these folks around in my van and we
 solve mysteries and s**t.
 Unlike Share
 nd 48 others like this
 you should probably go to TheMetaPicture.com
srsfunny:

My Job Is Just The Worst

srsfunny: My Job Is Just The Worst

Advice, Bailey Jay, and Finance: Senator Eric Abetz has complained about the rainbow pride flag being flown in the foyer of a government department, saving it belongs to a "hostile nation" that has declared war on Australia. SENATE Senate Finance and Public Administration Legisiation Committee darkpuffin: ileolai: gondorsfinest: feitanswife: sailurmars: mycroftrh: gerbthenerd: Reblog if you’re part of a hostile nation that’s declared war on Australia Oh my god though guys you don’t know the best thing!  The best thing is: he’s right. The Gay and Lesbian Kingdom of the Coral Sea Islands is a micronation near Australia.  This is their flag: The Gay Kingdom (as it is colloquially known) was founded in 2004 in protest against Australia’s legal stance against same-sex marriage. Here are some of their stamps: They are currently ruled by Emperor Dale I, and their currency is the Pink Dollar. And, indeed - they declared war on Australia for not recognizing same-sex marriages performed outside the country.  (Second link.) You’re telling me there has been a Gay Island this ENTIRE TIME and I’m only just finding out about it???? WHAT okay, but not enough people know the details on this. people at pride were upset about gay rights in australia. so they decided to sail 200 miles into the coral sea just ‘cause and put a rainbow flag on a fucking empty island out of spite. and i’m talking empty. no inhabitants. zero. it was a flat piece of land with a bit of dry grass. now it has a camp site and a post office.  they have a declaration of independence that talks a bit about gay rights and then just flat out copies the “life liberty and the pursuit of happiness” part from the american declaration of independence. and here’s the best part: the founding group actually elected their emperor. he was originally going to be called the “administrator” of a republic. their website, however, says that “upon legal advice, his title was changed to that of Sovereign on the grounds that under Australian law a defacto prince trying to claim his crown cannot be charged with treason”. so they made it a kingdom and he now claims to be a descendent of edward ii. everything about this is glorious and everyone should know about it. Keep reading Not one of you mentioned that the anthem for this nation is I Am What I Am by Gloria Gaynor. Not. One. Of. You. A very good micronation. Very good.
Advice, Bailey Jay, and Finance: Senator Eric Abetz has complained
 about the rainbow pride flag being
 flown in the foyer of a government
 department, saving it belongs to a
 "hostile nation" that has declared war
 on Australia.
 SENATE
 Senate Finance and Public Administration
 Legisiation Committee
darkpuffin:

ileolai:

gondorsfinest:

feitanswife:

sailurmars:

mycroftrh:

gerbthenerd:
Reblog if you’re part of a hostile nation that’s declared war on Australia
Oh my god though guys you don’t know the best thing!  The best thing is: he’s right.
The Gay and Lesbian Kingdom of the Coral Sea Islands is a micronation near Australia.  This is their flag:
The Gay Kingdom (as it is colloquially known) was founded in 2004 in protest against Australia’s legal stance against same-sex marriage.
Here are some of their stamps:
They are currently ruled by Emperor Dale I, and their currency is the Pink Dollar.
And, indeed - they declared war on Australia for not recognizing same-sex marriages performed outside the country.  (Second link.)


You’re telling me there has been a Gay Island this ENTIRE TIME and I’m only just finding out about it????


WHAT

okay, but not enough people know the details on this. people at pride were upset about gay rights in australia. so they decided to sail 200 miles into the coral sea just ‘cause and put a rainbow flag on a fucking empty island out of spite. and i’m talking empty. no inhabitants. zero. it was a flat piece of land with a bit of dry grass. now it has a camp site and a post office. 
they have a declaration of independence that talks a bit about gay rights and then just flat out copies the “life liberty and the pursuit of happiness” part from the american declaration of independence. and here’s the best part: the founding group actually elected their emperor. he was originally going to be called the “administrator” of a republic. their website, however, says that “upon legal advice, his title was changed to that of Sovereign on the grounds that under Australian law a defacto prince trying to claim his crown cannot be charged with treason”. so they made it a kingdom and he now claims to be a descendent of edward ii.
everything about this is glorious and everyone should know about it. Keep reading

Not one of you mentioned that the anthem for this nation is I Am What I Am by Gloria Gaynor. Not. One. Of. You.


A very good micronation. Very good.

darkpuffin: ileolai: gondorsfinest: feitanswife: sailurmars: mycroftrh: gerbthenerd: Reblog if you’re part of a hostile nation that’s ...

Tumblr, Zero, and Blog: XFREISCHuTe RETRIBUTION xfreischutz: two prints for AX! process found here (kind of) eta: genji’s sheathe, and a little bit of a lighting change
Tumblr, Zero, and Blog: XFREISCHuTe

 RETRIBUTION
xfreischutz:
two prints for AX! process found here (kind of)
eta: genji’s sheathe, and a little bit of a lighting change

xfreischutz: two prints for AX! process found here (kind of) eta: genji’s sheathe, and a little bit of a lighting change

Beautiful, Blessed, and Bones: rmh8402: pegasusdragontiger: kyraneko: balencia: kitrazzle: pissedoffweasley: wizardingheadcanon: kyraneko: elidyce: thatgirlonstage: fuckyeahdeathlyhallows: sirlestrange: #that is a human as a rat as a cup That was a long 12 years for Wormtail. Can you imagine how differently their lives would’ve gone if Ron, in trying to transfigure Scabbers, had actually transfigured him back into a human?Just take a moment to imagine McGonagall’s reaction if Peter Pettigrew had abruptly appeared in her classroom from Ronald Weasley’s rat.Take a moment. Or if Ron had fucked it up a little worse and couldn’t get ‘Scabbers’ back and McGonagall had take him to disenchant him and next thing we know there’s a naked Peter Pettigrew sitting on McGonagall’s desk and the kids in that class learn six new swear words, a hex they will never dare to use, and a fear of Minerva McGonagall’s wrath that will be with them until the day they die. Ten and twenty years later first years are being pulled aside and warned never mess around in Transfiguration seriously the last time a kid mucked something up in that class Professor McGonagall used two semi-legal hexes, took down a Death Eater and sabotaged the rise of the Dark Lord before Potter had time to get his wand out. What most of Hogwarts learned first on that otherwise-unexceptionable day was that Professor McGonagall could sure scream loud. Professor Flitwick’s Charms 5th-year Charms class was close enough to catch the full effect, and the door had been left open besides; en masse the students recoiled with shock and a miscast Hiccuping Charm broke one of the windows (out which the entire flock of ravens they were practicing on escaped to the Forbidden Forest where they only had to worry about centaurs, rather than annoying young humans with wands). Up in the Divination Tower, Sibyl Trelawny preened over her foresight to have warned her students of an unprecedented catastrophe likely to occur before the hour was out. Out in Greenhouse Five, a NEWT-level Herbology class looked up in puzzlement, and most of them were subsequently bitten by the Venomous Tentaculae they were attempting to propagate. It does not do to ignore a Venomous Tentacula when you’re prodding at its intimate parts with a cotton ball held in tweezers, so the class was cancelled while two-thirds of the students headed for the infirmary and the rest of them headed into the castle because if they stayed with the Venomous Tentaculae they’d be outnumbered, and nobody wants that. And down in the dungeons, Professor Snape turned away from comparing Lee Jordan’s Pepper-Up Potion to spoiled cream at what sounded like a woman screaming from the entrance hall. At the second scream, he ordered the class to remain where they were and behave, sweeping out of the room just in time to miss Theodore Nott suddenly jumping up and yelping as if someone had put a crocodile heart down the back of his robes. Fred Weasley stepped back from the unfortunate Slytherin, shared a smirk with his twin, and stuck his head out the door to make sure Snape had rounded the corner before leading the way out of the classroom. - Back in the Transfiguration classroom, about four minutes ago, it had started innocently enough. Ron Weasley, possessed of a broken wand and a lurking suspicion that most of the family’s magical talent had been soaked up by his siblings before he was around to get any, had attempted to turn his pet rat, Scabbers, into a teacup. Scabbers had not become a teacup. Scabbers, blast his useless furry little backside, had become a furry, vaguely teacup-shaped monstrosity out of which absolutely no one would have been tempted to drink, and to make matters worse, he still had a tail. It was moving. Harry was hiding a smile behind his hand. Dean and Seamus weren’t even trying to hide, elbowing each other and laughing. Parvati and Lavender were looking with disgust and horror at either Scabbers or him, and Hermione was opening her mouth, no doubt ready to tell him exactly what he’d done wrong. Which only made it worse that he really thought he’d done everything right this time. He snatched Scabbers off the desk (eww, the base of the cup had the same texture as rat feet) and turned away from Hermione. He made the wand movement again, picturing in his mind the way McGonagall had demonstrated it. “Erreverto.” “Erreverto. Erreverto. Erreverto.” It didn’t work. It didn’t work when Professor McGonagall stopped by and gave Hermione two points for Gryffindor for getting the spell perfect in both directions. It didn’t work when Harry made his successful transfiguration (Ron looked; the pattern was a little bit furry but it was definitely a teacup). Ron’s lips formed the shape of a word that would’ve made his mother box his ears had she heard it and attempted the reverse transfiguration, which didn’t work either. Finally, faced not only with the indignity of failure but the threat of Scabbers being stuck like that, he’d gone up to Professor McGonagall’s desk. “Um, Professor?” Professor McGonagall looked up from the paper she was grading and looked from him to the squirming teacup. “Problems, Mr. Weasley?” “Um, yeah, Professor. I can’t get it to work in either direction and it’s not fair to Scabbers to make him stay as a teacup just because I can’t do a spell right and can you maybe … ?” “I suppose so, Mr. Weasley,” she said, and waved her wand in the exact manner Ron had been doing all along. Nothing happened. Professor McGonagall looked very, very puzzled. “Now that’s odd,” she said softly. As one, the other students rose from their seats and quietly moved closer. She did not attempt the transfiguration in the other direction. Instead, she made a complex motion with her wand and murmured an incantation that possibly only Hermione recognized. The teacup squeaked. Professor McGonagall looked more puzzled than ever, and made a sweeping wand movement that ended with a sharp jab and uttered, “Arcanum finite!” And there was a loud bang, and there was a pale, pudgy, and very naked man sprawled out on her desk, and she jumped back hard enough to knock her chair into the wall and screamed. - Having taught a particularly rigorous course of magical study to children and teens for quite some time now, Minerva McGonagall had become accustomed to certain things. Students who didn’t listen. Students who did rude things to the mice when they thought she wasn’t looking. Students who accidentally turned a frog or a raven into a flock of starlings or a school of strange slimy South American fish (and tried to solve the immediate problem by filling the classroom with two feet of water, neglecting to consider the gap under the door). Students who tried to transfigure their noses into a more appealing shape and wound up in the hospital wing regrowing their nostrils. Naked men on her desk was something Minerva McGonagall had never had an occasion to get used to. What made it worse was that she recognized this one, and he’d been dead for more than a decade. Inferius! was her first thought, followed shortly thereafter by Animagus, which collided with Peter Pettigrew! and produced the utterly horrifying thought of what if all four of them were Animagi? which didn’t bear thinking about at all, so her brain jumped to if he wasn’t killed by a Dark Wizard then why didn’t he say so? and realized there was only one possible explanation why, and about that time her eyes registered that parts of Peter Pettigrew she really doesn’t want to know about were flopping about in front of her face, and she was screaming as she jumped back. The flow of invective which followed somehow failed to surprise her one bit. Some part of her registered, peripherally, the shocked faces of her students, but most of her attention was directed at Peter Pettigrew, who at very least faked his own death and at worst framed Sirius Black and if Black didn’t betray the Potters then who … did. And the words poured out of her, filthy English and filthier Latin while Pettigrew squirmed on the table, his face rage and guilt and fear and something shifty and contemptible, and he turned to look at the stunned students and lunged for Ron Weasley’s wand. - Severus Snape had reached the Entrance Hall by the time the scream died away and the invective replaced it. He almost smirked, amid the alarm; of all the things he’d never expected to hear from Minerva McGonagall … he took the stairs two at a time, still not noticing the students who followed. He did notice the Herbology class, which had stopped on the way to the Infirmary and were staring transfixed in the direction of the Transfiguration classroom, but pushed his way through them, getting Venomous Tentacula pollen all over his robes in the process. From the other end of the corridor came Professor Flitwick’s Charms class, with Professor Flitwick bringing up the rear and pushing his way between students. - Ron looked stunned as the man who’d been his pet rat snatched the wand from his hand; Professor McGonagal’s expression shifted to one beyond fury and when the entire class recoiled, it wasn’t from the naked man with the wand. “Laedo!“ Minerva McGonagall roared. - Ron Weasley’s wand cast a Splintering Curse many years beyond its rightful owner’s abilities, and it did Peter Pettigrew the poor favor of eliminating the door, which might have slowed him down a bit. - Severus Snape flailed and skidded to a halt as the Transfiguration classroom’s door shattered. He stepped back just in time, and stared, jaw dropped in shock, as a naked man he recognized from his school days flew past him and bellyflopped against the wall, bounced, and collapsed to the ground just in time to avoid the “Exitium!” which followed and vaporized an impresive chunk of the castle’s stone wall. Fred and George and Lee Jordan, determined to stay at the front of the crowd, had been pushed almost against Professor Snape by their fellow Potions classmates and some pollen-coated Hufflepuffs. Fred squirmed aside hastily as Professor McGonagall appeared in the doorway, the look on her face so utterly livid that Professors Snape and Flitwick both reflexively stepped back. Snape tripped over George’s foot and fell against a knot of Hufflepuffs, releasing another cloud of pollen and knocking them backwards. Pettigrew saw his opportunity and took it, scrambling to his feet, stumbling sideways, and launching himself towards the gap. And Minerva McGonagall made a thrust with her wand and said, “Perdo.” In the very loud silence which followed, Filius Flitwick squeaked, “The Splinching Charm, Minerva?” She might’ve looked embarrassed for a moment, and then she smiled as she looked down at Pettigrew, who lay on his belly, his arms and legs lying akimbo some distance away. “Unorthodox,” she said, “but useful in a pinch. If someone would inform the Headmaster, and send an owl to the Ministry—-not Fudge, not Crouch, someone competent—-Shacklebolt, perhaps. Students, return to your classrooms, please. Mr. Weasley, I’m very sorry, but I do believe it’s impossible to return you your rat. However, the zero I was going to have to give you for the day’s work is entirely undeserved, as you were not transfiguring a normal rat. You may make the lesson up any time this week.” - The story was, of course, much embellished by the time it reached all the students. Versions of it had the intruder peppering Snape with a Glitter Hex or transfiguring Ron’s rat into a pair of boxers, and people had to be disabused of the notion that it had been Voldemort who’d been hiding as a rat all this time. Snape gave both Weasley twins detention for tripping him, and took forty-seven points total from Gryffindor over the next few weeks for various pretend-subtle pollen references. Kingsley Shacklebolt showed up with a team of Aurors in time to meet Professor Dumbledore; the Wizengamot launched an investigation into the events surrounding the Potters’ murder; the results turned into a scandal which saw the release of Sirius Black and the forced resignation of both Director Bartemious Crouch and Minister Cornelius Fudge. Director of Magical Law Enforcement Amelia Bones was confirmed as Minister of Magic shortly thereafte, and the Daily Prophet reported that Sirius Black (“Godfather to the Boy-Who-Lived!” “Framed, Abandoned, Condemned to Living Hell!” “Heart-Wrenching: His Release In Pictures, Page 17!”) was considering applying for a teaching position at Hogwarts, “but just for a year, I’ve been cursed enough for one lifetime.” (“The Prophet reminds its readers that the so-called “curse” on a certain Hogwarts teaching position is almost certainly a mere string of coincidences.”) And, Minerva thought with relish some months later, it was almost three weeks before anyone attempted messing around in her class. A personal record. I’ve probably reblogged this before but I’m going to do it again right now I think this is literally the best au this entire fandom has produced I’ve only seen this legendary bit of writing in memes and screenshots. I feel so blessed to see it in person. Beautiful, simply beautiful! Reblogging my own post because a) it’s my damn horn and I’ll blow it if I want to, and b) I just (finally!) cross-posted this to Archive Of Our Own, so if anybody wants to go read it over there, here it is. YESSSSSSS!  Love it!!
Beautiful, Blessed, and Bones: rmh8402:

pegasusdragontiger:


kyraneko:

balencia:

kitrazzle:

pissedoffweasley:

wizardingheadcanon:

kyraneko:

elidyce:

thatgirlonstage:

fuckyeahdeathlyhallows:

sirlestrange:

#that is a human as a rat as a cup

That was a long 12 years for Wormtail.

Can you imagine how differently their lives would’ve gone if Ron, in trying to transfigure Scabbers, had actually transfigured him back into a human?Just take a moment to imagine McGonagall’s reaction if Peter Pettigrew had abruptly appeared in her classroom from Ronald Weasley’s rat.Take a moment.

Or if Ron had fucked it up a little worse and couldn’t get ‘Scabbers’ back and McGonagall had take him to disenchant him and next thing we know there’s a naked Peter Pettigrew sitting on McGonagall’s desk and the kids in that class learn six new swear words, a hex they will never dare to use, and a fear of Minerva McGonagall’s wrath that will be with them until the day they die.
Ten and twenty years later first years are being pulled aside and warned never mess around in Transfiguration seriously the last time a kid mucked something up in that class Professor McGonagall used two semi-legal hexes, took down a Death Eater and sabotaged the rise of the Dark Lord before Potter had time to get his wand out.

What most of Hogwarts learned first on that otherwise-unexceptionable day was that Professor McGonagall could sure scream loud.
Professor Flitwick’s Charms 5th-year Charms class was close enough to catch the full effect, and the door had been left open besides; en masse the students recoiled with shock and a miscast Hiccuping Charm broke one of the windows (out which the entire flock of ravens they were practicing on escaped to the Forbidden Forest where they only had to worry about centaurs, rather than annoying young humans with wands).
Up in the Divination Tower, Sibyl Trelawny preened over her foresight to have warned her students of an unprecedented catastrophe likely to occur before the hour was out.
Out in Greenhouse Five, a NEWT-level Herbology class looked up in puzzlement, and most of them were subsequently bitten by the Venomous Tentaculae they were attempting to propagate. It does not do to ignore a Venomous Tentacula when you’re prodding at its intimate parts with a cotton ball held in tweezers, so the class was cancelled while two-thirds of the students headed for the infirmary and the rest of them headed into the castle because if they stayed with the Venomous Tentaculae they’d be outnumbered, and nobody wants that.
And down in the dungeons, Professor Snape turned away from comparing Lee Jordan’s Pepper-Up Potion to spoiled cream at what sounded like a woman screaming from the entrance hall. At the second scream, he ordered the class to remain where they were and behave, sweeping out of the room just in time to miss Theodore Nott suddenly jumping up and yelping as if someone had put a crocodile heart down the back of his robes.
Fred Weasley stepped back from the unfortunate Slytherin, shared a smirk with his twin, and stuck his head out the door to make sure Snape had rounded the corner before leading the way out of the classroom.
-
Back in the Transfiguration classroom, about four minutes ago, it had started innocently enough. Ron Weasley, possessed of a broken wand and a lurking suspicion that most of the family’s magical talent had been soaked up by his siblings before he was around to get any, had attempted to turn his pet rat, Scabbers, into a teacup.
Scabbers had not become a teacup.
Scabbers, blast his useless furry little backside, had become a furry, vaguely teacup-shaped monstrosity out of which absolutely no one would have been tempted to drink, and to make matters worse, he still had a tail.
It was moving.
Harry was hiding a smile behind his hand. Dean and Seamus weren’t even trying to hide, elbowing each other and laughing. Parvati and Lavender were looking with disgust and horror at either Scabbers or him, and Hermione was opening her mouth, no doubt ready to tell him exactly what he’d done wrong.
Which only made it worse that he really thought he’d done everything right this time.
He snatched Scabbers off the desk (eww, the base of the cup had the same texture as rat feet) and turned away from Hermione. He made the wand movement again, picturing in his mind the way McGonagall had demonstrated it. “Erreverto.”
“Erreverto. Erreverto. Erreverto.”
It didn’t work. It didn’t work when Professor McGonagall stopped by and gave Hermione two points for Gryffindor for getting the spell perfect in both directions. It didn’t work when Harry made his successful transfiguration (Ron looked; the pattern was a little bit furry but it was definitely a teacup). Ron’s lips formed the shape of a word that would’ve made his mother box his ears had she heard it and attempted the reverse transfiguration, which didn’t work either.
Finally, faced not only with the indignity of failure but the threat of Scabbers being stuck like that, he’d gone up to Professor McGonagall’s desk.
“Um, Professor?”
Professor McGonagall looked up from the paper she was grading and looked from him to the squirming teacup. “Problems, Mr. Weasley?”
“Um, yeah, Professor. I can’t get it to work in either direction and it’s not fair to Scabbers to make him stay as a teacup just because I can’t do a spell right and can you maybe … ?”
“I suppose so, Mr. Weasley,” she said, and waved her wand in the exact manner Ron had been doing all along.
Nothing happened.
Professor McGonagall looked very, very puzzled.
“Now that’s odd,” she said softly.
As one, the other students rose from their seats and quietly moved closer.
She did not attempt the transfiguration in the other direction. Instead, she made a complex motion with her wand and murmured an incantation that possibly only Hermione recognized. The teacup squeaked. Professor McGonagall looked more puzzled than ever, and made a sweeping wand movement that ended with a sharp jab and uttered, “Arcanum finite!”
And there was a loud bang, and there was a pale, pudgy, and very naked man sprawled out on her desk, and she jumped back hard enough to knock her chair into the wall and screamed.
-
Having taught a particularly rigorous course of magical study to children and teens for quite some time now, Minerva McGonagall had become accustomed to certain things. Students who didn’t listen. Students who did rude things to the mice when they thought she wasn’t looking. Students who accidentally turned a frog or a raven into a flock of starlings or a school of strange slimy South American fish (and tried to solve the immediate problem by filling the classroom with two feet of water, neglecting to consider the gap under the door). Students who tried to transfigure their noses into a more appealing shape and wound up in the hospital wing regrowing their nostrils.
Naked men on her desk was something Minerva McGonagall had never had an occasion to get used to. What made it worse was that she recognized this one, and he’d been dead for more than a decade.
Inferius! was her first thought, followed shortly thereafter by Animagus, which collided with Peter Pettigrew! and produced the utterly horrifying thought of what if all four of them were Animagi? which didn’t bear thinking about at all, so her brain jumped to if he wasn’t killed by a Dark Wizard then why didn’t he say so? and realized there was only one possible explanation why, and about that time her eyes registered that parts of Peter Pettigrew she really doesn’t want to know about were flopping about in front of her face, and she was screaming as she jumped back.
The flow of invective which followed somehow failed to surprise her one bit. Some part of her registered, peripherally, the shocked faces of her students, but most of her attention was directed at Peter Pettigrew, who at very least faked his own death and at worst framed Sirius Black and if Black didn’t betray the Potters then who … did. And the words poured out of her, filthy English and filthier Latin while Pettigrew squirmed on the table, his face rage and guilt and fear and something shifty and contemptible, and he turned to look at the stunned students and lunged for Ron Weasley’s wand.
-
Severus Snape had reached the Entrance Hall by the time the scream died away and the invective replaced it. He almost smirked, amid the alarm; of all the things he’d never expected to hear from Minerva McGonagall … he took the stairs two at a time, still not noticing the students who followed.
He did notice the Herbology class, which had stopped on the way to the Infirmary and were staring transfixed in the direction of the Transfiguration classroom, but pushed his way through them, getting Venomous Tentacula pollen all over his robes in the process.
From the other end of the corridor came Professor Flitwick’s Charms class, with Professor Flitwick bringing up the rear and pushing his way between students.
-
Ron looked stunned as the man who’d been his pet rat snatched the wand from his hand; Professor McGonagal’s expression shifted to one beyond fury and when the entire class recoiled, it wasn’t from the naked man with the wand.
“Laedo!“ Minerva McGonagall roared.
-
Ron Weasley’s wand cast a Splintering Curse many years beyond its rightful owner’s abilities, and it did Peter Pettigrew the poor favor of eliminating the door, which might have slowed him down a bit.
-
Severus Snape flailed and skidded to a halt as the Transfiguration classroom’s door shattered. He stepped back just in time, and stared, jaw dropped in shock, as a naked man he recognized from his school days flew past him and bellyflopped against the wall, bounced, and collapsed to the ground just in time to avoid the “Exitium!” which followed and vaporized an impresive chunk of the castle’s stone wall.
Fred and George and Lee Jordan, determined to stay at the front of the crowd, had been pushed almost against Professor Snape by their fellow Potions classmates and some pollen-coated Hufflepuffs. Fred squirmed aside hastily as Professor McGonagall appeared in the doorway, the look on her face so utterly livid that Professors Snape and Flitwick both reflexively stepped back.
Snape tripped over George’s foot and fell against a knot of Hufflepuffs, releasing another cloud of pollen and knocking them backwards. Pettigrew saw his opportunity and took it, scrambling to his feet, stumbling sideways, and launching himself towards the gap.
And Minerva McGonagall made a thrust with her wand and said, “Perdo.”
In the very loud silence which followed, Filius Flitwick squeaked, “The Splinching Charm, Minerva?”
She might’ve looked embarrassed for a moment, and then she smiled as she looked down at Pettigrew, who lay on his belly, his arms and legs lying akimbo some distance away.
“Unorthodox,” she said, “but useful in a pinch. If someone would inform the Headmaster, and send an owl to the Ministry—-not Fudge, not Crouch, someone competent—-Shacklebolt, perhaps. Students, return to your classrooms, please. Mr. Weasley, I’m very sorry, but I do believe it’s impossible to return you your rat. However, the zero I was going to have to give you for the day’s work is entirely undeserved, as you were not transfiguring a normal rat. You may make the lesson up any time this week.”
-
The story was, of course, much embellished by the time it reached all the students. Versions of it had the intruder peppering Snape with a Glitter Hex or transfiguring Ron’s rat into a pair of boxers, and people had to be disabused of the notion that it had been Voldemort who’d been hiding as a rat all this time.
Snape gave both Weasley twins detention for tripping him, and took forty-seven points total from Gryffindor over the next few weeks for various pretend-subtle pollen references.
Kingsley Shacklebolt showed up with a team of Aurors in time to meet Professor Dumbledore; the Wizengamot launched an investigation into the events surrounding the Potters’ murder; the results turned into a scandal which saw the release of Sirius Black and the forced resignation of both Director Bartemious Crouch and Minister Cornelius Fudge. Director of Magical Law Enforcement Amelia Bones was confirmed as Minister of Magic shortly thereafte, and the Daily Prophet reported that Sirius Black (“Godfather to the Boy-Who-Lived!” “Framed, Abandoned, Condemned to Living Hell!” “Heart-Wrenching: His Release In Pictures, Page 17!”) was considering applying for a teaching position at Hogwarts, “but just for a year, I’ve been cursed enough for one lifetime.” (“The Prophet reminds its readers that the so-called “curse” on a certain Hogwarts teaching position is almost certainly a mere string of coincidences.”)
And, Minerva thought with relish some months later, it was almost three weeks before anyone attempted messing around in her class.
A personal record.

I’ve probably reblogged this before but I’m going to do it again right now

I think this is literally the best au this entire fandom has produced

I’ve only seen this legendary bit of writing in memes and screenshots. I feel so blessed to see it in person.

Beautiful, simply beautiful!

Reblogging my own post because a) it’s my damn horn and I’ll blow it if I want to, and b) I just (finally!) cross-posted this to Archive Of Our Own, so if anybody wants to go read it over there, here it is.

YESSSSSSS! 


Love it!!

rmh8402: pegasusdragontiger: kyraneko: balencia: kitrazzle: pissedoffweasley: wizardingheadcanon: kyraneko: elidyce: thatgirlonsta...

Beard, Best Friend, and Club: aydenisabadkid: airdramon: awenyddogamulosx: ruthlesswoodcarver: mothensidhe: fatfury: omgxchrissy: cumleak: deux-zero-deux: demands-with-menace: Queen Hatshepsut of Ancient Egypt. She has a lovely smile for someone who’s been dead for thousands of years. she wasn’t a queen. she was a pharaoh and wanted to be referred to as such. she even had her statues modeled after the male pharaoh’s statues to state her dominance and authority. she was actually one of the most successful pharaohs in all of ancient egyptian history and she reigned longer than any other woman in power in egypt. damn no wonder she died and smiled for a trillion years afterwards The fact that we know about her is marvelous. the next Pharaoh after her Tuthmosis III  tried to erase Hatshepsut out of history ,chiseled her name off her monuments ,covered the text on her obelisks with stone,knocked down and defaced her statues . she was even left off the list of pharaohs ..talk about some patriarchy bullshit her name was lost for a couple of millennia, her body was found in a unmarked grave  in early twentieth century sad part is in Egyptian belief is  if your are forgotten in the living world you don’t exist in the afterlife,so he was trying to kill her even in death  My best friend throwing down some herstory. A+ commentary She wore a fake beard, you guys.She was the fucking boss. If we remember her now does that save her from an awful afterlife? I’m just picturing the Kemetic afterlife. All the Pharaohs are hanging out in some kind of swanky club, drinking and congratulating each other on being bros.  The doors slam open and Hatshepsut strides in, glorious, robes swirling, rocking the fake beard and the insane amounts of wealth and power. “Miss me, bitches?”  Then she punches Tuthmosis III straight in the dick. Reblog so Hatshepsut can dick punch tuthmosis in the afterlife.
Beard, Best Friend, and Club: aydenisabadkid:

airdramon:

awenyddogamulosx:

ruthlesswoodcarver:

mothensidhe:

fatfury:

omgxchrissy:

cumleak:

deux-zero-deux:

demands-with-menace:

Queen Hatshepsut of Ancient Egypt. She has a lovely smile for someone who’s been dead for thousands of years.

she wasn’t a queen. she was a pharaoh and wanted to be referred to as such. she even had her statues modeled after the male pharaoh’s statues to state her dominance and authority. she was actually one of the most successful pharaohs in all of ancient egyptian history and she reigned longer than any other woman in power in egypt.

damn no wonder she died and smiled for a trillion years afterwards

The fact that we know about her is marvelous.
the next Pharaoh after her Tuthmosis III  tried to erase Hatshepsut out of history ,chiseled her name off her monuments ,covered the text on her obelisks with stone,knocked down and defaced her statues .
she was even left off the list of pharaohs ..talk about some patriarchy bullshit
her name was lost for a couple of millennia, her body was found in a unmarked grave  in early twentieth century
sad part is in Egyptian belief is  if your are forgotten in the living world you don’t exist in the afterlife,so he was trying to kill her even in death 

My best friend throwing down some herstory. A+ commentary

She wore a fake beard, you guys.She was the fucking boss.

If we remember her now does that save her from an awful afterlife?

I’m just picturing the Kemetic afterlife. All the Pharaohs are hanging out in some kind of swanky club, drinking and congratulating each other on being bros. 
The doors slam open and Hatshepsut strides in, glorious, robes swirling, rocking the fake beard and the insane amounts of wealth and power. “Miss me, bitches?” 

Then she punches Tuthmosis III straight in the dick.


Reblog so Hatshepsut can dick punch tuthmosis in the afterlife.

aydenisabadkid: airdramon: awenyddogamulosx: ruthlesswoodcarver: mothensidhe: fatfury: omgxchrissy: cumleak: deux-zero-deux: demand...

Bad, Carrie Fisher, and Finn: "That's how we're gonna win. Not fighting what we hate. Saving what we love." ROSE TICo, THE LAST JEDI <p><a href="http://matt-ruins-your-shit.tumblr.com/post/174956298156/ask-the-toy-box-matt-ruins-your-shit" class="tumblr_blog">matt-ruins-your-shit</a>:</p> <blockquote><p><a href="http://ask-the-toy-box.tumblr.com/post/174955526780/matt-ruins-your-shit-starwars-wednesday" class="tumblr_blog">ask-the-toy-box</a>:</p><blockquote> <p><a href="http://matt-ruins-your-shit.tumblr.com/post/174851616011/starwars-wednesday-wisdom-the-worst-line-in-any" class="tumblr_blog">matt-ruins-your-shit</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://starwars.tumblr.com/post/174849006208/wednesday-wisdom" class="tumblr_blog">starwars</a>:</p> <blockquote><p>Wednesday Wisdom.</p></blockquote> <p>The worst line in any movie ever</p> </blockquote> <p>She should have hit the big lazer thing instead, better ending.</p> </blockquote> <p>You’re right that would have been a much better ending and the character wouldn’t be as hated. </p><p>1.) She still would have sacrificed herself to save Finn but would have died stopping or stalling the first order instead of dying for literally no reason while almost killing the person she was trying to save. It was like shooting someone to stop them from jumping off a bridge…very stupid.</p><p>2.) We wouldn’t have had to hear that stupid fortune cookie “wisdom” that makes absolutely zero logical sense at all. Neither in the context of the fight between good and evil or in the context of what she did. Fighting what you hate and saving what you love are not only not mutually exclusive but in a fucking war both are a necessity.</p><p>3.) She would have had a moment where she lived up to her sisters heroic example of sacrifice from the beginning of the movie.</p><p>4.) That way it’s not like Rose got Luke killed and endangered the entire resistance just to save Finn. She at least would sacrifice herself instead of others and then dying herself anyway. </p><p>5.) You still could have done the ending with Luke that way as well. Although you should not have killed Luke off in this movie. If their goal was to kill off one of the three older characters in each movie it made way more sense for Leia to die in this one. At this point she’s much less relevant to the plot than Luke who still has more to teach Rey. Now they have to figure out how to kill off Leia now that Carrie Fisher is dead. She died before this was released it would have been easy to edit out her marry poppins moment and do some pickups. Her role in the rest of the movie wasn’t major. And then edit out Luke’s terrible death and used Mark Hamill (who killed it in the movie despite hating the script) in the third movie…and then saved his death for the third. The force presence thing was cool, it killing him from exhaustion is lame. Then that way if the fans are upset there was no Luke lightsaber duel you could do it in the third.</p><p>That’s a much fucking better movie</p></blockquote> <p>Yeah that line just made no sense whatsoever. Your fucking sister died sacrificing herself for a greater cause and that’s exactly what Finn was doing. It’s also what Holdo did and was commended for. Why are you suddenly acting like it’s a bad thing?</p>
Bad, Carrie Fisher, and Finn: "That's how we're gonna win. Not fighting
 what we hate. Saving what we love."
 ROSE TICo,
 THE LAST JEDI
<p><a href="http://matt-ruins-your-shit.tumblr.com/post/174956298156/ask-the-toy-box-matt-ruins-your-shit" class="tumblr_blog">matt-ruins-your-shit</a>:</p>

<blockquote><p><a href="http://ask-the-toy-box.tumblr.com/post/174955526780/matt-ruins-your-shit-starwars-wednesday" class="tumblr_blog">ask-the-toy-box</a>:</p><blockquote>
<p><a href="http://matt-ruins-your-shit.tumblr.com/post/174851616011/starwars-wednesday-wisdom-the-worst-line-in-any" class="tumblr_blog">matt-ruins-your-shit</a>:</p>

<blockquote>
<p><a href="https://starwars.tumblr.com/post/174849006208/wednesday-wisdom" class="tumblr_blog">starwars</a>:</p>
<blockquote><p>Wednesday Wisdom.</p></blockquote>
<p>The worst line in any movie ever</p>
</blockquote>

<p>She should have hit the big lazer thing instead, better ending.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>You’re right that would have been a much better ending and the character wouldn’t be as hated. </p><p>1.) She still would have sacrificed herself to save Finn but would have died stopping or stalling the first order instead of dying for literally no reason while almost killing the person she was trying to save. It was like shooting someone to stop them from jumping off a bridge…very stupid.</p><p>2.) We wouldn’t have had to hear that stupid fortune cookie “wisdom” that makes absolutely zero logical sense at all. Neither in the context of the fight between good and evil or in the context of what she did. Fighting what you hate and saving what you love are not only not mutually exclusive but in a fucking war both are a necessity.</p><p>3.) She would have had a moment where she lived up to her sisters heroic example of sacrifice from the beginning of the movie.</p><p>4.) That way it’s not like Rose got Luke killed and endangered the entire resistance just to save Finn. She at least would sacrifice herself instead of others and then dying herself anyway. </p><p>5.) You still could have done the ending with Luke that way as well. Although you should not have killed Luke off in this movie. If their goal was to kill off one of the three older characters in each movie it made way more sense for Leia to die in this one. At this point she’s much less relevant to the plot than Luke who still has more to teach Rey. Now they have to figure out how to kill off Leia now that Carrie Fisher is dead. She died before this was released it would have been easy to edit out her marry poppins moment and do some pickups. Her role in the rest of the movie wasn’t major. And then edit out Luke’s terrible death and used Mark Hamill (who killed it in the movie despite hating the script) in the third movie…and then saved his death for the third. The force presence thing was cool, it killing him from exhaustion is lame. Then that way if the fans are upset there was no Luke lightsaber duel you could do it in the third.</p><p>That’s a much fucking better movie</p></blockquote>

<p>Yeah that line just made no sense whatsoever. Your fucking sister died sacrificing herself for a greater cause and that’s exactly what Finn was doing. It’s also what Holdo did and was commended for. Why are you suddenly acting like it’s a bad thing?</p>

matt-ruins-your-shit: ask-the-toy-box: matt-ruins-your-shit: starwars: Wednesday Wisdom. The worst line in any movie ever She should ha...