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Ass, Dude, and Energy: Countess Von Fingerbang @HeatherApplebum Men who feel the need to quiz women when we show any interest in something that they deem "theirs" are fucking annoying. Cut it the fuck out, suck a dick "With all the six stones I can simply snap my fingers, they will all cease to exist. I call that...mercy"-Thanos Replying to @MajinCheeks But can you name all the stones according to color? 5/11/18, 3:22 PM 1 Retweet e r Bluffy Spice @MajinCh... . 17h Replying to @themanstre Let's play! Space Mind Power 5/12/18,6:43 AM 78.9K Retweets 216K Likes oh-the-mess-i-make: madamehearthwitch: evilkillerpoptarts: momo-de-avis: cumaeansibyl: a) do you really think someone would put all that time and energy into making an infinity stone jewelry piece if they didn’t know all about the infinity stones b) I don’t see you putting all that time and energy into making an infinity stone jewelry piece, what have you contributed lately besides being a dick to people for no reason c) who gives a shit if you can’t name all the stones, you’re allowed to enjoy the shit you enjoy without some whiney ass loser quizzing you to the smallest detail I will NEVER FORGET my first convention.  A table was doing Transformers trivia and you could win a prize.  The men in front of me were asked fairly difficult questions.   Then I rolled up.  Dressed as Thrust because buttwings, damnit. “Oh, we’ll go easy on you,” the dude said in the most condescending, smarmy tone.  “Name one of the dinobots.” I rattled all five off in alphabetical order, and demanded that they tell me all six Constructicons. There were several guys at the table.  They managed five. “You forgot Bonecrusher,” I said sweetly and walked off.  I didn’t want the prize I’d rightfully earned.  Their spluttering was all I wanted. If you’re gonna gatekeep, I’m gonna DESTROY YOU. Great story BUT… You shouldn’t have to destroy them!! You don’t have to love something in a ridiculously obsessive way that knows every tiny fucking detail for your love of it to bring you joy. If that’s how they get joy, cool, nice for them. But you don’t have to. You can casually love a thing, cosplay as a thing, go to cons for a thing, without dissecting it into little pieces. Women do not have to be exceptional in order to belong. WOMEN DO NOT HAVE TO BE EXCEPTIONAL IN ORDER TO BELONG
Ass, Dude, and Energy: Countess Von Fingerbang
 @HeatherApplebum
 Men who feel the need to quiz women
 when we show any interest in something
 that they deem "theirs" are fucking
 annoying. Cut it the fuck out, suck a dick
 "With all the six stones I can simply
 snap my fingers, they will all cease to
 exist. I call that...mercy"-Thanos
 Replying to @MajinCheeks
 But can you name all the stones
 according to color?
 5/11/18, 3:22 PM
 1 Retweet
 e r Bluffy Spice @MajinCh... . 17h
 Replying to @themanstre
 Let's play!
 Space
 Mind
 Power
 5/12/18,6:43 AM
 78.9K Retweets 216K Likes
oh-the-mess-i-make:
madamehearthwitch:

evilkillerpoptarts:

momo-de-avis:

cumaeansibyl:

a) do you really think someone would put all that time and energy into making an infinity stone jewelry piece if they didn’t know all about the infinity stones
b) I don’t see you putting all that time and energy into making an infinity stone jewelry piece, what have you contributed lately besides being a dick to people for no reason

c) who gives a shit if you can’t name all the stones, you’re allowed to enjoy the shit you enjoy without some whiney ass loser quizzing you to the smallest detail

I will NEVER FORGET my first convention.  A table was doing Transformers trivia and you could win a prize.  The men in front of me were asked fairly difficult questions.  
Then I rolled up.  Dressed as Thrust because buttwings, damnit.
“Oh, we’ll go easy on you,” the dude said in the most condescending, smarmy tone.  “Name one of the dinobots.”
I rattled all five off in alphabetical order, and demanded that they tell me all six Constructicons.
There were several guys at the table.  They managed five.
“You forgot Bonecrusher,” I said sweetly and walked off.  I didn’t want the prize I’d rightfully earned.  Their spluttering was all I wanted.
If you’re gonna gatekeep, I’m gonna DESTROY YOU.

Great story BUT… You shouldn’t have to destroy them!!
You don’t have to love something in a ridiculously obsessive way that knows every tiny fucking detail for your love of it to bring you joy. If that’s how they get joy, cool, nice for them. But you don’t have to.
You can casually love a thing, cosplay as a thing, go to cons for a thing, without dissecting it into little pieces.
Women do not have to be exceptional in order to belong.

WOMEN DO NOT HAVE TO BE EXCEPTIONAL IN ORDER TO BELONG

oh-the-mess-i-make: madamehearthwitch: evilkillerpoptarts: momo-de-avis: cumaeansibyl: a) do you really think someone would put all that...

Bubba, Clock, and Crying: writing-prompt-s You're in charge of assigning every child on Earth the monster under their bed. One child in particular has caused every monster assigned to him/her to quit. You decide to assign yourself. kittenwiskers Case: #273402 Status: Disastrous. I stare at the file and realize I have no options, over the last 2 years every monster assigned to Charlotte Dower has quit, every last one. Her first monster; a giant goldfish-faced humanoid named Bubba, had been with her for four years and then she wasn't scared of him anymore. After that it was a string of different common, uncommon, and rare monsters... I even assigned a sentient sock monster to her. He came back crying! I look on my tablet, only one assignable monster left; myself. Field work has never been my cup of tea, but desperate times call for desperate measures. So at 8:03 pm, after Mrs. Gideon tucks in Charlotte and her little brother Daniel; I slither into the space beneath Charlotte's bed Across the room underneath Daniel's crib is a rookie, Chico, a standard Creep kind of monster. I turn my attention to the bed above me, Charlotte is still awake but barely, I reach up over the bed and run an ice cold finger over her cheek, silence, so I do it gain. "I'm not afraid of you monster!" She whispers, but her voice is shaking. I can see a small clock on the wall 8:14, a door somewhere in the house slams and there is an audible hitch of breath from above me. A few minutes go by I can hear Francis Gideon yelling at his wife. There are heavy footsteps on the stairs, and loud panting breaths, Charlotte scrambles off the bed and... She. CRAWLS. Under. The. Bed. With. Me. "Move. Over!" Charlotte hisses at me.I do. The door to the bedroom slams open and I smell the stench of human intoxicants before the man even steps inside. I know why Charlotte isn't afraid of any of my monsters; she's afraid of her own. Francis reaches a hand under the bed and I thrust my wrist into it, he starts to pull, I slither out. "What the..." I cut Francis's next words off by unfolding to my full 12 foot height. Looming over the drunken man I caress my cold fingers down his face. "If you ever touch, scare, or harm my child again, I will find you, and I will do the same to you, for all eternity." I promise to him. As Francis runs from the room he soils himself. I pull Charlotte from under the bed, tuck her back under her covers and kiss her forehead goodnight. "I'll be back tomorrow night, sleep well darling." Charlotte Dower is my child, I am the monster under her bed. The Monster Under the Bed
Bubba, Clock, and Crying: writing-prompt-s
 You're in charge of assigning every child
 on Earth the monster under their bed.
 One child in particular has caused every
 monster assigned to him/her to quit. You
 decide to assign yourself.
 kittenwiskers
 Case: #273402
 Status: Disastrous.
 I stare at the file and realize I have no
 options, over the last 2 years every
 monster assigned to Charlotte Dower has
 quit, every last one. Her first monster; a
 giant goldfish-faced humanoid named
 Bubba, had been with her for four years
 and then she wasn't scared of him
 anymore. After that it was a string of
 different common, uncommon, and rare
 monsters... I even assigned a sentient
 sock monster to her. He came back
 crying!
 I look on my tablet, only one assignable
 monster left; myself. Field work has never
 been my cup of tea, but desperate times
 call for desperate measures. So at 8:03
 pm, after Mrs. Gideon tucks in Charlotte
 and her little brother Daniel; I slither into
 the space beneath Charlotte's bed
 Across the room underneath Daniel's crib
 is a rookie, Chico, a standard Creep kind
 of monster.
 I turn my attention to the bed above me,
 Charlotte is still awake but barely, I reach
 up over the bed and run an ice cold
 finger over her cheek, silence, so I do it
 gain.
 "I'm not afraid of you monster!" She
 whispers, but her voice is shaking. I can
 see a small clock on the wall 8:14, a door
 somewhere in the house slams and there
 is an audible hitch of breath from above
 me. A few minutes go by I can hear
 Francis Gideon yelling at his wife. There
 are heavy footsteps on the stairs, and
 loud panting breaths, Charlotte
 scrambles off the bed and...
 She. CRAWLS. Under. The. Bed. With.
 Me.
 "Move. Over!" Charlotte hisses at me.I
 do.
 The door to the bedroom slams open and
 I smell the stench of human intoxicants
 before the man even steps inside.
 I know why Charlotte isn't afraid of any of
 my monsters; she's afraid of her own.
 Francis reaches a hand under the bed
 and I thrust my wrist into it, he starts to
 pull, I slither out.
 "What the..." I cut Francis's next words
 off by unfolding to my full 12 foot height.
 Looming over the drunken man I caress
 my cold fingers down his face.
 "If you ever touch, scare, or harm my
 child again, I will find you, and I will do
 the same to you, for all eternity." I
 promise to him.
 As Francis runs from the room he soils
 himself.
 I pull Charlotte from under the bed, tuck
 her back under her covers and kiss her
 forehead goodnight. "I'll be back
 tomorrow night, sleep well darling."
 Charlotte Dower is my child, I am the
 monster under her bed.
The Monster Under the Bed

The Monster Under the Bed

Beautiful, Blessed, and Bones: deadcatwithaflamethrower: hebic: kyraneko: balencia: kitrazzle: pissedoffweasley: wizardingheadcanon: kyraneko: elidyce: thatgirlonstage: fuckyeahdeathlyhallows: sirlestrange: #that is a human as a rat as a cup That was a long 12 years for Wormtail. Can you imagine how differently their lives would’ve gone if Ron, in trying to transfigure Scabbers, had actually transfigured him back into a human?Just take a moment to imagine McGonagall’s reaction if Peter Pettigrew had abruptly appeared in her classroom from Ronald Weasley’s rat.Take a moment. Or if Ron had fucked it up a little worse and couldn’t get ‘Scabbers’ back and McGonagall had take him to disenchant him and next thing we know there’s a naked Peter Pettigrew sitting on McGonagall’s desk and the kids in that class learn six new swear words, a hex they will never dare to use, and a fear of Minerva McGonagall’s wrath that will be with them until the day they die. Ten and twenty years later first years are being pulled aside and warned never mess around in Transfiguration seriously the last time a kid mucked something up in that class Professor McGonagall used two semi-legal hexes, took down a Death Eater and sabotaged the rise of the Dark Lord before Potter had time to get his wand out. What most of Hogwarts learned first on that otherwise-unexceptionable day was that Professor McGonagall could sure scream loud. Professor Flitwick’s Charms 5th-year Charms class was close enough to catch the full effect, and the door had been left open besides; en masse the students recoiled with shock and a miscast Hiccuping Charm broke one of the windows (out which the entire flock of ravens they were practicing on escaped to the Forbidden Forest where they only had to worry about centaurs, rather than annoying young humans with wands). Up in the Divination Tower, Sibyl Trelawny preened over her foresight to have warned her students of an unprecedented catastrophe likely to occur before the hour was out. Out in Greenhouse Five, a NEWT-level Herbology class looked up in puzzlement, and most of them were subsequently bitten by the Venomous Tentaculae they were attempting to propagate. It does not do to ignore a Venomous Tentacula when you’re prodding at its intimate parts with a cotton ball held in tweezers, so the class was cancelled while two-thirds of the students headed for the infirmary and the rest of them headed into the castle because if they stayed with the Venomous Tentaculae they’d be outnumbered, and nobody wants that. And down in the dungeons, Professor Snape turned away from comparing Lee Jordan’s Pepper-Up Potion to spoiled cream at what sounded like a woman screaming from the entrance hall. At the second scream, he ordered the class to remain where they were and behave, sweeping out of the room just in time to miss Theodore Nott suddenly jumping up and yelping as if someone had put a crocodile heart down the back of his robes. Fred Weasley stepped back from the unfortunate Slytherin, shared a smirk with his twin, and stuck his head out the door to make sure Snape had rounded the corner before leading the way out of the classroom. - Back in the Transfiguration classroom, about four minutes ago, it had started innocently enough. Ron Weasley, possessed of a broken wand and a lurking suspicion that most of the family’s magical talent had been soaked up by his siblings before he was around to get any, had attempted to turn his pet rat, Scabbers, into a teacup. Scabbers had not become a teacup. Scabbers, blast his useless furry little backside, had become a furry, vaguely teacup-shaped monstrosity out of which absolutely no one would have been tempted to drink, and to make matters worse, he still had a tail. It was moving. Harry was hiding a smile behind his hand. Dean and Seamus weren’t even trying to hide, elbowing each other and laughing. Parvati and Lavender were looking with disgust and horror at either Scabbers or him, and Hermione was opening her mouth, no doubt ready to tell him exactly what he’d done wrong. Which only made it worse that he really thought he’d done everything right this time. He snatched Scabbers off the desk (eww, the base of the cup had the same texture as rat feet) and turned away from Hermione. He made the wand movement again, picturing in his mind the way McGonagall had demonstrated it. “Erreverto.” “Erreverto. Erreverto. Erreverto.” It didn’t work. It didn’t work when Professor McGonagall stopped by and gave Hermione two points for Gryffindor for getting the spell perfect in both directions. It didn’t work when Harry made his successful transfiguration (Ron looked; the pattern was a little bit furry but it was definitely a teacup). Ron’s lips formed the shape of a word that would’ve made his mother box his ears had she heard it and attempted the reverse transfiguration, which didn’t work either. Finally, faced not only with the indignity of failure but the threat of Scabbers being stuck like that, he’d gone up to Professor McGonagall’s desk. “Um, Professor?” Professor McGonagall looked up from the paper she was grading and looked from him to the squirming teacup. “Problems, Mr. Weasley?” “Um, yeah, Professor. I can’t get it to work in either direction and it’s not fair to Scabbers to make him stay as a teacup just because I can’t do a spell right and can you maybe … ?” “I suppose so, Mr. Weasley,” she said, and waved her wand in the exact manner Ron had been doing all along. Nothing happened. Professor McGonagall looked very, very puzzled. “Now that’s odd,” she said softly. As one, the other students rose from their seats and quietly moved closer. She did not attempt the transfiguration in the other direction. Instead, she made a complex motion with her wand and murmured an incantation that possibly only Hermione recognized. The teacup squeaked. Professor McGonagall looked more puzzled than ever, and made a sweeping wand movement that ended with a sharp jab and uttered, “Arcanum finite!” And there was a loud bang, and there was a pale, pudgy, and very naked man sprawled out on her desk, and she jumped back hard enough to knock her chair into the wall and screamed. - Having taught a particularly rigorous course of magical study to children and teens for quite some time now, Minerva McGonagall had become accustomed to certain things. Students who didn’t listen. Students who did rude things to the mice when they thought she wasn’t looking. Students who accidentally turned a frog or a raven into a flock of starlings or a school of strange slimy South American fish (and tried to solve the immediate problem by filling the classroom with two feet of water, neglecting to consider the gap under the door). Students who tried to transfigure their noses into a more appealing shape and wound up in the hospital wing regrowing their nostrils. Naked men on her desk was something Minerva McGonagall had never had an occasion to get used to. What made it worse was that she recognized this one, and he’d been dead for more than a decade. Inferius! was her first thought, followed shortly thereafter by Animagus, which collided with Peter Pettigrew! and produced the utterly horrifying thought of what if all four of them were Animagi? which didn’t bear thinking about at all, so her brain jumped to if he wasn’t killed by a Dark Wizard then why didn’t he say so? and realized there was only one possible explanation why, and about that time her eyes registered that parts of Peter Pettigrew she really doesn’t want to know about were flopping about in front of her face, and she was screaming as she jumped back. The flow of invective which followed somehow failed to surprise her one bit. Some part of her registered, peripherally, the shocked faces of her students, but most of her attention was directed at Peter Pettigrew, who at very least faked his own death and at worst framed Sirius Black and if Black didn’t betray the Potters then who … did. And the words poured out of her, filthy English and filthier Latin while Pettigrew squirmed on the table, his face rage and guilt and fear and something shifty and contemptible, and he turned to look at the stunned students and lunged for Ron Weasley’s wand. - Severus Snape had reached the Entrance Hall by the time the scream died away and the invective replaced it. He almost smirked, amid the alarm; of all the things he’d never expected to hear from Minerva McGonagall … he took the stairs two at a time, still not noticing the students who followed. He did notice the Herbology class, which had stopped on the way to the Infirmary and were staring transfixed in the direction of the Transfiguration classroom, but pushed his way through them, getting Venomous Tentacula pollen all over his robes in the process. From the other end of the corridor came Professor Flitwick’s Charms class, with Professor Flitwick bringing up the rear and pushing his way between students. - Ron looked stunned as the man who’d been his pet rat snatched the wand from his hand; Professor McGonagal’s expression shifted to one beyond fury and when the entire class recoiled, it wasn’t from the naked man with the wand. “Laedo!“ Minerva McGonagall roared. - Ron Weasley’s wand cast a Splintering Curse many years beyond its rightful owner’s abilities, and it did Peter Pettigrew the poor favor of eliminating the door, which might have slowed him down a bit. - Severus Snape flailed and skidded to a halt as the Transfiguration classroom’s door shattered. He stepped back just in time, and stared, jaw dropped in shock, as a naked man he recognized from his school days flew past him and bellyflopped against the wall, bounced, and collapsed to the ground just in time to avoid the “Exitium!” which followed and vaporized an impresive chunk of the castle’s stone wall. Fred and George and Lee Jordan, determined to stay at the front of the crowd, had been pushed almost against Professor Snape by their fellow Potions classmates and some pollen-coated Hufflepuffs. Fred squirmed aside hastily as Professor McGonagall appeared in the doorway, the look on her face so utterly livid that Professors Snape and Flitwick both reflexively stepped back. Snape tripped over George’s foot and fell against a knot of Hufflepuffs, releasing another cloud of pollen and knocking them backwards. Pettigrew saw his opportunity and took it, scrambling to his feet, stumbling sideways, and launching himself towards the gap. And Minerva McGonagall made a thrust with her wand and said, “Perdo.” In the very loud silence which followed, Filius Flitwick squeaked, “The Splinching Charm, Minerva?” She might’ve looked embarrassed for a moment, and then she smiled as she looked down at Pettigrew, who lay on his belly, his arms and legs lying akimbo some distance away. “Unorthodox,” she said, “but useful in a pinch. If someone would inform the Headmaster, and send an owl to the Ministry—-not Fudge, not Crouch, someone competent—-Shacklebolt, perhaps. Students, return to your classrooms, please. Mr. Weasley, I’m very sorry, but I do believe it’s impossible to return you your rat. However, the zero I was going to have to give you for the day’s work is entirely undeserved, as you were not transfiguring a normal rat. You may make the lesson up any time this week.” - The story was, of course, much embellished by the time it reached all the students. Versions of it had the intruder peppering Snape with a Glitter Hex or transfiguring Ron’s rat into a pair of boxers, and people had to be disabused of the notion that it had been Voldemort who’d been hiding as a rat all this time. Snape gave both Weasley twins detention for tripping him, and took forty-seven points total from Gryffindor over the next few weeks for various pretend-subtle pollen references. Kingsley Shacklebolt showed up with a team of Aurors in time to meet Professor Dumbledore; the Wizengamot launched an investigation into the events surrounding the Potters’ murder; the results turned into a scandal which saw the release of Sirius Black and the forced resignation of both Director Bartemious Crouch and Minister Cornelius Fudge. Director of Magical Law Enforcement Amelia Bones was confirmed as Minister of Magic shortly thereafte, and the Daily Prophet reported that Sirius Black (“Godfather to the Boy-Who-Lived!” “Framed, Abandoned, Condemned to Living Hell!” “Heart-Wrenching: His Release In Pictures, Page 17!”) was considering applying for a teaching position at Hogwarts, “but just for a year, I’ve been cursed enough for one lifetime.” (“The Prophet reminds its readers that the so-called “curse” on a certain Hogwarts teaching position is almost certainly a mere string of coincidences.”) And, Minerva thought with relish some months later, it was almost three weeks before anyone attempted messing around in her class. A personal record. I’ve probably reblogged this before but I’m going to do it again right now I think this is literally the best au this entire fandom has produced I’ve only seen this legendary bit of writing in memes and screenshots. I feel so blessed to see it in person. Beautiful, simply beautiful! Reblogging my own post because a) it’s my damn horn and I’ll blow it if I want to, and b) I just (finally!) cross-posted this to Archive Of Our Own, so if anybody wants to go read it over there, here it is. @deadcatwithaflamethrower My only complaint is that Theodore Nott and Fred Weasely wouldn’t be in the same Potions class. *is pedantic* *reblogging because now you can bookmark it on AO3*
Beautiful, Blessed, and Bones: deadcatwithaflamethrower:

hebic:
kyraneko:

balencia:

kitrazzle:

pissedoffweasley:

wizardingheadcanon:

kyraneko:

elidyce:

thatgirlonstage:

fuckyeahdeathlyhallows:

sirlestrange:

#that is a human as a rat as a cup

That was a long 12 years for Wormtail.

Can you imagine how differently their lives would’ve gone if Ron, in trying to transfigure Scabbers, had actually transfigured him back into a human?Just take a moment to imagine McGonagall’s reaction if Peter Pettigrew had abruptly appeared in her classroom from Ronald Weasley’s rat.Take a moment.

Or if Ron had fucked it up a little worse and couldn’t get ‘Scabbers’ back and McGonagall had take him to disenchant him and next thing we know there’s a naked Peter Pettigrew sitting on McGonagall’s desk and the kids in that class learn six new swear words, a hex they will never dare to use, and a fear of Minerva McGonagall’s wrath that will be with them until the day they die.
Ten and twenty years later first years are being pulled aside and warned never mess around in Transfiguration seriously the last time a kid mucked something up in that class Professor McGonagall used two semi-legal hexes, took down a Death Eater and sabotaged the rise of the Dark Lord before Potter had time to get his wand out.

What most of Hogwarts learned first on that otherwise-unexceptionable day was that Professor McGonagall could sure scream loud.
Professor Flitwick’s Charms 5th-year Charms class was close enough to catch the full effect, and the door had been left open besides; en masse the students recoiled with shock and a miscast Hiccuping Charm broke one of the windows (out which the entire flock of ravens they were practicing on escaped to the Forbidden Forest where they only had to worry about centaurs, rather than annoying young humans with wands).
Up in the Divination Tower, Sibyl Trelawny preened over her foresight to have warned her students of an unprecedented catastrophe likely to occur before the hour was out.
Out in Greenhouse Five, a NEWT-level Herbology class looked up in puzzlement, and most of them were subsequently bitten by the Venomous Tentaculae they were attempting to propagate. It does not do to ignore a Venomous Tentacula when you’re prodding at its intimate parts with a cotton ball held in tweezers, so the class was cancelled while two-thirds of the students headed for the infirmary and the rest of them headed into the castle because if they stayed with the Venomous Tentaculae they’d be outnumbered, and nobody wants that.
And down in the dungeons, Professor Snape turned away from comparing Lee Jordan’s Pepper-Up Potion to spoiled cream at what sounded like a woman screaming from the entrance hall. At the second scream, he ordered the class to remain where they were and behave, sweeping out of the room just in time to miss Theodore Nott suddenly jumping up and yelping as if someone had put a crocodile heart down the back of his robes.
Fred Weasley stepped back from the unfortunate Slytherin, shared a smirk with his twin, and stuck his head out the door to make sure Snape had rounded the corner before leading the way out of the classroom.
-
Back in the Transfiguration classroom, about four minutes ago, it had started innocently enough. Ron Weasley, possessed of a broken wand and a lurking suspicion that most of the family’s magical talent had been soaked up by his siblings before he was around to get any, had attempted to turn his pet rat, Scabbers, into a teacup.
Scabbers had not become a teacup.
Scabbers, blast his useless furry little backside, had become a furry, vaguely teacup-shaped monstrosity out of which absolutely no one would have been tempted to drink, and to make matters worse, he still had a tail.
It was moving.
Harry was hiding a smile behind his hand. Dean and Seamus weren’t even trying to hide, elbowing each other and laughing. Parvati and Lavender were looking with disgust and horror at either Scabbers or him, and Hermione was opening her mouth, no doubt ready to tell him exactly what he’d done wrong.
Which only made it worse that he really thought he’d done everything right this time.
He snatched Scabbers off the desk (eww, the base of the cup had the same texture as rat feet) and turned away from Hermione. He made the wand movement again, picturing in his mind the way McGonagall had demonstrated it. “Erreverto.”
“Erreverto. Erreverto. Erreverto.”
It didn’t work. It didn’t work when Professor McGonagall stopped by and gave Hermione two points for Gryffindor for getting the spell perfect in both directions. It didn’t work when Harry made his successful transfiguration (Ron looked; the pattern was a little bit furry but it was definitely a teacup). Ron’s lips formed the shape of a word that would’ve made his mother box his ears had she heard it and attempted the reverse transfiguration, which didn’t work either.
Finally, faced not only with the indignity of failure but the threat of Scabbers being stuck like that, he’d gone up to Professor McGonagall’s desk.
“Um, Professor?”
Professor McGonagall looked up from the paper she was grading and looked from him to the squirming teacup. “Problems, Mr. Weasley?”
“Um, yeah, Professor. I can’t get it to work in either direction and it’s not fair to Scabbers to make him stay as a teacup just because I can’t do a spell right and can you maybe … ?”
“I suppose so, Mr. Weasley,” she said, and waved her wand in the exact manner Ron had been doing all along.
Nothing happened.
Professor McGonagall looked very, very puzzled.
“Now that’s odd,” she said softly.
As one, the other students rose from their seats and quietly moved closer.
She did not attempt the transfiguration in the other direction. Instead, she made a complex motion with her wand and murmured an incantation that possibly only Hermione recognized. The teacup squeaked. Professor McGonagall looked more puzzled than ever, and made a sweeping wand movement that ended with a sharp jab and uttered, “Arcanum finite!”
And there was a loud bang, and there was a pale, pudgy, and very naked man sprawled out on her desk, and she jumped back hard enough to knock her chair into the wall and screamed.
-
Having taught a particularly rigorous course of magical study to children and teens for quite some time now, Minerva McGonagall had become accustomed to certain things. Students who didn’t listen. Students who did rude things to the mice when they thought she wasn’t looking. Students who accidentally turned a frog or a raven into a flock of starlings or a school of strange slimy South American fish (and tried to solve the immediate problem by filling the classroom with two feet of water, neglecting to consider the gap under the door). Students who tried to transfigure their noses into a more appealing shape and wound up in the hospital wing regrowing their nostrils.
Naked men on her desk was something Minerva McGonagall had never had an occasion to get used to. What made it worse was that she recognized this one, and he’d been dead for more than a decade.
Inferius! was her first thought, followed shortly thereafter by Animagus, which collided with Peter Pettigrew! and produced the utterly horrifying thought of what if all four of them were Animagi? which didn’t bear thinking about at all, so her brain jumped to if he wasn’t killed by a Dark Wizard then why didn’t he say so? and realized there was only one possible explanation why, and about that time her eyes registered that parts of Peter Pettigrew she really doesn’t want to know about were flopping about in front of her face, and she was screaming as she jumped back.
The flow of invective which followed somehow failed to surprise her one bit. Some part of her registered, peripherally, the shocked faces of her students, but most of her attention was directed at Peter Pettigrew, who at very least faked his own death and at worst framed Sirius Black and if Black didn’t betray the Potters then who … did. And the words poured out of her, filthy English and filthier Latin while Pettigrew squirmed on the table, his face rage and guilt and fear and something shifty and contemptible, and he turned to look at the stunned students and lunged for Ron Weasley’s wand.
-
Severus Snape had reached the Entrance Hall by the time the scream died away and the invective replaced it. He almost smirked, amid the alarm; of all the things he’d never expected to hear from Minerva McGonagall … he took the stairs two at a time, still not noticing the students who followed.
He did notice the Herbology class, which had stopped on the way to the Infirmary and were staring transfixed in the direction of the Transfiguration classroom, but pushed his way through them, getting Venomous Tentacula pollen all over his robes in the process.
From the other end of the corridor came Professor Flitwick’s Charms class, with Professor Flitwick bringing up the rear and pushing his way between students.
-
Ron looked stunned as the man who’d been his pet rat snatched the wand from his hand; Professor McGonagal’s expression shifted to one beyond fury and when the entire class recoiled, it wasn’t from the naked man with the wand.
“Laedo!“ Minerva McGonagall roared.
-
Ron Weasley’s wand cast a Splintering Curse many years beyond its rightful owner’s abilities, and it did Peter Pettigrew the poor favor of eliminating the door, which might have slowed him down a bit.
-
Severus Snape flailed and skidded to a halt as the Transfiguration classroom’s door shattered. He stepped back just in time, and stared, jaw dropped in shock, as a naked man he recognized from his school days flew past him and bellyflopped against the wall, bounced, and collapsed to the ground just in time to avoid the “Exitium!” which followed and vaporized an impresive chunk of the castle’s stone wall.
Fred and George and Lee Jordan, determined to stay at the front of the crowd, had been pushed almost against Professor Snape by their fellow Potions classmates and some pollen-coated Hufflepuffs. Fred squirmed aside hastily as Professor McGonagall appeared in the doorway, the look on her face so utterly livid that Professors Snape and Flitwick both reflexively stepped back.
Snape tripped over George’s foot and fell against a knot of Hufflepuffs, releasing another cloud of pollen and knocking them backwards. Pettigrew saw his opportunity and took it, scrambling to his feet, stumbling sideways, and launching himself towards the gap.
And Minerva McGonagall made a thrust with her wand and said, “Perdo.”
In the very loud silence which followed, Filius Flitwick squeaked, “The Splinching Charm, Minerva?”
She might’ve looked embarrassed for a moment, and then she smiled as she looked down at Pettigrew, who lay on his belly, his arms and legs lying akimbo some distance away.
“Unorthodox,” she said, “but useful in a pinch. If someone would inform the Headmaster, and send an owl to the Ministry—-not Fudge, not Crouch, someone competent—-Shacklebolt, perhaps. Students, return to your classrooms, please. Mr. Weasley, I’m very sorry, but I do believe it’s impossible to return you your rat. However, the zero I was going to have to give you for the day’s work is entirely undeserved, as you were not transfiguring a normal rat. You may make the lesson up any time this week.”
-
The story was, of course, much embellished by the time it reached all the students. Versions of it had the intruder peppering Snape with a Glitter Hex or transfiguring Ron’s rat into a pair of boxers, and people had to be disabused of the notion that it had been Voldemort who’d been hiding as a rat all this time.
Snape gave both Weasley twins detention for tripping him, and took forty-seven points total from Gryffindor over the next few weeks for various pretend-subtle pollen references.
Kingsley Shacklebolt showed up with a team of Aurors in time to meet Professor Dumbledore; the Wizengamot launched an investigation into the events surrounding the Potters’ murder; the results turned into a scandal which saw the release of Sirius Black and the forced resignation of both Director Bartemious Crouch and Minister Cornelius Fudge. Director of Magical Law Enforcement Amelia Bones was confirmed as Minister of Magic shortly thereafte, and the Daily Prophet reported that Sirius Black (“Godfather to the Boy-Who-Lived!” “Framed, Abandoned, Condemned to Living Hell!” “Heart-Wrenching: His Release In Pictures, Page 17!”) was considering applying for a teaching position at Hogwarts, “but just for a year, I’ve been cursed enough for one lifetime.” (“The Prophet reminds its readers that the so-called “curse” on a certain Hogwarts teaching position is almost certainly a mere string of coincidences.”)
And, Minerva thought with relish some months later, it was almost three weeks before anyone attempted messing around in her class.
A personal record.

I’ve probably reblogged this before but I’m going to do it again right now

I think this is literally the best au this entire fandom has produced

I’ve only seen this legendary bit of writing in memes and screenshots. I feel so blessed to see it in person.

Beautiful, simply beautiful!

Reblogging my own post because a) it’s my damn horn and I’ll blow it if I want to, and b) I just (finally!) cross-posted this to Archive Of Our Own, so if anybody wants to go read it over there, here it is.


@deadcatwithaflamethrower 
My only complaint is that Theodore Nott and Fred Weasely wouldn’t be in the same Potions class. *is pedantic*

*reblogging because now you can bookmark it on AO3*

deadcatwithaflamethrower: hebic: kyraneko: balencia: kitrazzle: pissedoffweasley: wizardingheadcanon: kyraneko: elidyce: thatgirlons...

Bad, Head, and Life: JO @Jadenosteen retweet to save a life 3 4 2 1 2 1 2 3 1 p-artsypants: buttalicious602: emotionalempowerer: Please, reblog! IIt’s called self defense. Apart from having here, in the US, one of the highest cases of homicide and rape in the world and high rate of GBV, think about how this could help your mother or sister Yes indeed#💯💯💯💯💯 Hey guys, as a blackbelt in Tae Kwon Do, I just want to say a few things: 1) Self defense is an amazing skill to learn, and this image set has some pretty good ideas.  2) PLEASE don’t use your head unless absolutely necessary! You can hurt yourself worse than the attacker, and get in some really big trouble. The elbows and knees are super powerful weapons instead. 3) If you are trapped with your back against a body, and don’t have use of your arms, thrust your hips backwards as hard as you can into the groin. It’ll give you a chance to break away to use your elbow. Stomping on the foot can also help. 4) Don’t try to defeat the attacker. The second you’re free, RUN. Once you’re safe, call the police. You might want to feel like a superhero, but you could be overpowered again. Don’t take that risk.  5) I also agree with the person who mentioned a closed fist punch against a jaw is a bad idea. You can break your knuckles. Instead, use your palm.  6) Good luck with that knee move, because you might not be able to pick up his leg. 7) Groin shots are illegal in sports, but not in life! A swift kick to the balls in a easy way to incapacitate a man. 
Bad, Head, and Life: JO
 @Jadenosteen
 retweet to save a life

 3
 4

 2
 1

 2
 1

 2
 3
 1
p-artsypants:
buttalicious602:

emotionalempowerer:
Please, reblog! IIt’s called self defense. Apart from having here, in the US, one of the highest cases of homicide and rape in the world and high rate of GBV, think about how this could help your mother or sister

Yes indeed#💯💯💯💯💯

Hey guys, as a blackbelt in Tae Kwon Do, I just want to say a few things:
1) Self defense is an amazing skill to learn, and this image set has some pretty good ideas. 
2) PLEASE don’t use your head unless absolutely necessary! You can hurt yourself worse than the attacker, and get in some really big trouble. The elbows and knees are super powerful weapons instead.
3) If you are trapped with your back against a body, and don’t have use of your arms, thrust your hips backwards as hard as you can into the groin. It’ll give you a chance to break away to use your elbow. Stomping on the foot can also help.
4) Don’t try to defeat the attacker. The second you’re free, RUN. Once you’re safe, call the police. You might want to feel like a superhero, but you could be overpowered again. Don’t take that risk. 
5) I also agree with the person who mentioned a closed fist punch against a jaw is a bad idea. You can break your knuckles. Instead, use your palm. 
6) Good luck with that knee move, because you might not be able to pick up his leg.
7) Groin shots are illegal in sports, but not in life! A swift kick to the balls in a easy way to incapacitate a man. 

p-artsypants: buttalicious602: emotionalempowerer: Please, reblog! IIt’s called self defense. Apart from having here, in the US, one of the...

Tumblr, Blog, and Com: hobihobihoseok:HE KNOWS WHAT HE DOES TO US WHEN HE HITS US WITH A HIP THRUST
Tumblr, Blog, and Com: hobihobihoseok:HE KNOWS WHAT HE DOES TO US WHEN HE HITS US WITH A HIP THRUST

hobihobihoseok:HE KNOWS WHAT HE DOES TO US WHEN HE HITS US WITH A HIP THRUST

Beautiful, Blessed, and Bones: rmh8402: pegasusdragontiger: kyraneko: balencia: kitrazzle: pissedoffweasley: wizardingheadcanon: kyraneko: elidyce: thatgirlonstage: fuckyeahdeathlyhallows: sirlestrange: #that is a human as a rat as a cup That was a long 12 years for Wormtail. Can you imagine how differently their lives would’ve gone if Ron, in trying to transfigure Scabbers, had actually transfigured him back into a human?Just take a moment to imagine McGonagall’s reaction if Peter Pettigrew had abruptly appeared in her classroom from Ronald Weasley’s rat.Take a moment. Or if Ron had fucked it up a little worse and couldn’t get ‘Scabbers’ back and McGonagall had take him to disenchant him and next thing we know there’s a naked Peter Pettigrew sitting on McGonagall’s desk and the kids in that class learn six new swear words, a hex they will never dare to use, and a fear of Minerva McGonagall’s wrath that will be with them until the day they die. Ten and twenty years later first years are being pulled aside and warned never mess around in Transfiguration seriously the last time a kid mucked something up in that class Professor McGonagall used two semi-legal hexes, took down a Death Eater and sabotaged the rise of the Dark Lord before Potter had time to get his wand out. What most of Hogwarts learned first on that otherwise-unexceptionable day was that Professor McGonagall could sure scream loud. Professor Flitwick’s Charms 5th-year Charms class was close enough to catch the full effect, and the door had been left open besides; en masse the students recoiled with shock and a miscast Hiccuping Charm broke one of the windows (out which the entire flock of ravens they were practicing on escaped to the Forbidden Forest where they only had to worry about centaurs, rather than annoying young humans with wands). Up in the Divination Tower, Sibyl Trelawny preened over her foresight to have warned her students of an unprecedented catastrophe likely to occur before the hour was out. Out in Greenhouse Five, a NEWT-level Herbology class looked up in puzzlement, and most of them were subsequently bitten by the Venomous Tentaculae they were attempting to propagate. It does not do to ignore a Venomous Tentacula when you’re prodding at its intimate parts with a cotton ball held in tweezers, so the class was cancelled while two-thirds of the students headed for the infirmary and the rest of them headed into the castle because if they stayed with the Venomous Tentaculae they’d be outnumbered, and nobody wants that. And down in the dungeons, Professor Snape turned away from comparing Lee Jordan’s Pepper-Up Potion to spoiled cream at what sounded like a woman screaming from the entrance hall. At the second scream, he ordered the class to remain where they were and behave, sweeping out of the room just in time to miss Theodore Nott suddenly jumping up and yelping as if someone had put a crocodile heart down the back of his robes. Fred Weasley stepped back from the unfortunate Slytherin, shared a smirk with his twin, and stuck his head out the door to make sure Snape had rounded the corner before leading the way out of the classroom. - Back in the Transfiguration classroom, about four minutes ago, it had started innocently enough. Ron Weasley, possessed of a broken wand and a lurking suspicion that most of the family’s magical talent had been soaked up by his siblings before he was around to get any, had attempted to turn his pet rat, Scabbers, into a teacup. Scabbers had not become a teacup. Scabbers, blast his useless furry little backside, had become a furry, vaguely teacup-shaped monstrosity out of which absolutely no one would have been tempted to drink, and to make matters worse, he still had a tail. It was moving. Harry was hiding a smile behind his hand. Dean and Seamus weren’t even trying to hide, elbowing each other and laughing. Parvati and Lavender were looking with disgust and horror at either Scabbers or him, and Hermione was opening her mouth, no doubt ready to tell him exactly what he’d done wrong. Which only made it worse that he really thought he’d done everything right this time. He snatched Scabbers off the desk (eww, the base of the cup had the same texture as rat feet) and turned away from Hermione. He made the wand movement again, picturing in his mind the way McGonagall had demonstrated it. “Erreverto.” “Erreverto. Erreverto. Erreverto.” It didn’t work. It didn’t work when Professor McGonagall stopped by and gave Hermione two points for Gryffindor for getting the spell perfect in both directions. It didn’t work when Harry made his successful transfiguration (Ron looked; the pattern was a little bit furry but it was definitely a teacup). Ron’s lips formed the shape of a word that would’ve made his mother box his ears had she heard it and attempted the reverse transfiguration, which didn’t work either. Finally, faced not only with the indignity of failure but the threat of Scabbers being stuck like that, he’d gone up to Professor McGonagall’s desk. “Um, Professor?” Professor McGonagall looked up from the paper she was grading and looked from him to the squirming teacup. “Problems, Mr. Weasley?” “Um, yeah, Professor. I can’t get it to work in either direction and it’s not fair to Scabbers to make him stay as a teacup just because I can’t do a spell right and can you maybe … ?” “I suppose so, Mr. Weasley,” she said, and waved her wand in the exact manner Ron had been doing all along. Nothing happened. Professor McGonagall looked very, very puzzled. “Now that’s odd,” she said softly. As one, the other students rose from their seats and quietly moved closer. She did not attempt the transfiguration in the other direction. Instead, she made a complex motion with her wand and murmured an incantation that possibly only Hermione recognized. The teacup squeaked. Professor McGonagall looked more puzzled than ever, and made a sweeping wand movement that ended with a sharp jab and uttered, “Arcanum finite!” And there was a loud bang, and there was a pale, pudgy, and very naked man sprawled out on her desk, and she jumped back hard enough to knock her chair into the wall and screamed. - Having taught a particularly rigorous course of magical study to children and teens for quite some time now, Minerva McGonagall had become accustomed to certain things. Students who didn’t listen. Students who did rude things to the mice when they thought she wasn’t looking. Students who accidentally turned a frog or a raven into a flock of starlings or a school of strange slimy South American fish (and tried to solve the immediate problem by filling the classroom with two feet of water, neglecting to consider the gap under the door). Students who tried to transfigure their noses into a more appealing shape and wound up in the hospital wing regrowing their nostrils. Naked men on her desk was something Minerva McGonagall had never had an occasion to get used to. What made it worse was that she recognized this one, and he’d been dead for more than a decade. Inferius! was her first thought, followed shortly thereafter by Animagus, which collided with Peter Pettigrew! and produced the utterly horrifying thought of what if all four of them were Animagi? which didn’t bear thinking about at all, so her brain jumped to if he wasn’t killed by a Dark Wizard then why didn’t he say so? and realized there was only one possible explanation why, and about that time her eyes registered that parts of Peter Pettigrew she really doesn’t want to know about were flopping about in front of her face, and she was screaming as she jumped back. The flow of invective which followed somehow failed to surprise her one bit. Some part of her registered, peripherally, the shocked faces of her students, but most of her attention was directed at Peter Pettigrew, who at very least faked his own death and at worst framed Sirius Black and if Black didn’t betray the Potters then who … did. And the words poured out of her, filthy English and filthier Latin while Pettigrew squirmed on the table, his face rage and guilt and fear and something shifty and contemptible, and he turned to look at the stunned students and lunged for Ron Weasley’s wand. - Severus Snape had reached the Entrance Hall by the time the scream died away and the invective replaced it. He almost smirked, amid the alarm; of all the things he’d never expected to hear from Minerva McGonagall … he took the stairs two at a time, still not noticing the students who followed. He did notice the Herbology class, which had stopped on the way to the Infirmary and were staring transfixed in the direction of the Transfiguration classroom, but pushed his way through them, getting Venomous Tentacula pollen all over his robes in the process. From the other end of the corridor came Professor Flitwick’s Charms class, with Professor Flitwick bringing up the rear and pushing his way between students. - Ron looked stunned as the man who’d been his pet rat snatched the wand from his hand; Professor McGonagal’s expression shifted to one beyond fury and when the entire class recoiled, it wasn’t from the naked man with the wand. “Laedo!“ Minerva McGonagall roared. - Ron Weasley’s wand cast a Splintering Curse many years beyond its rightful owner’s abilities, and it did Peter Pettigrew the poor favor of eliminating the door, which might have slowed him down a bit. - Severus Snape flailed and skidded to a halt as the Transfiguration classroom’s door shattered. He stepped back just in time, and stared, jaw dropped in shock, as a naked man he recognized from his school days flew past him and bellyflopped against the wall, bounced, and collapsed to the ground just in time to avoid the “Exitium!” which followed and vaporized an impresive chunk of the castle’s stone wall. Fred and George and Lee Jordan, determined to stay at the front of the crowd, had been pushed almost against Professor Snape by their fellow Potions classmates and some pollen-coated Hufflepuffs. Fred squirmed aside hastily as Professor McGonagall appeared in the doorway, the look on her face so utterly livid that Professors Snape and Flitwick both reflexively stepped back. Snape tripped over George’s foot and fell against a knot of Hufflepuffs, releasing another cloud of pollen and knocking them backwards. Pettigrew saw his opportunity and took it, scrambling to his feet, stumbling sideways, and launching himself towards the gap. And Minerva McGonagall made a thrust with her wand and said, “Perdo.” In the very loud silence which followed, Filius Flitwick squeaked, “The Splinching Charm, Minerva?” She might’ve looked embarrassed for a moment, and then she smiled as she looked down at Pettigrew, who lay on his belly, his arms and legs lying akimbo some distance away. “Unorthodox,” she said, “but useful in a pinch. If someone would inform the Headmaster, and send an owl to the Ministry—-not Fudge, not Crouch, someone competent—-Shacklebolt, perhaps. Students, return to your classrooms, please. Mr. Weasley, I’m very sorry, but I do believe it’s impossible to return you your rat. However, the zero I was going to have to give you for the day’s work is entirely undeserved, as you were not transfiguring a normal rat. You may make the lesson up any time this week.” - The story was, of course, much embellished by the time it reached all the students. Versions of it had the intruder peppering Snape with a Glitter Hex or transfiguring Ron’s rat into a pair of boxers, and people had to be disabused of the notion that it had been Voldemort who’d been hiding as a rat all this time. Snape gave both Weasley twins detention for tripping him, and took forty-seven points total from Gryffindor over the next few weeks for various pretend-subtle pollen references. Kingsley Shacklebolt showed up with a team of Aurors in time to meet Professor Dumbledore; the Wizengamot launched an investigation into the events surrounding the Potters’ murder; the results turned into a scandal which saw the release of Sirius Black and the forced resignation of both Director Bartemious Crouch and Minister Cornelius Fudge. Director of Magical Law Enforcement Amelia Bones was confirmed as Minister of Magic shortly thereafte, and the Daily Prophet reported that Sirius Black (“Godfather to the Boy-Who-Lived!” “Framed, Abandoned, Condemned to Living Hell!” “Heart-Wrenching: His Release In Pictures, Page 17!”) was considering applying for a teaching position at Hogwarts, “but just for a year, I’ve been cursed enough for one lifetime.” (“The Prophet reminds its readers that the so-called “curse” on a certain Hogwarts teaching position is almost certainly a mere string of coincidences.”) And, Minerva thought with relish some months later, it was almost three weeks before anyone attempted messing around in her class. A personal record. I’ve probably reblogged this before but I’m going to do it again right now I think this is literally the best au this entire fandom has produced I’ve only seen this legendary bit of writing in memes and screenshots. I feel so blessed to see it in person. Beautiful, simply beautiful! Reblogging my own post because a) it’s my damn horn and I’ll blow it if I want to, and b) I just (finally!) cross-posted this to Archive Of Our Own, so if anybody wants to go read it over there, here it is. YESSSSSSS!  Love it!!
Beautiful, Blessed, and Bones: rmh8402:

pegasusdragontiger:


kyraneko:

balencia:

kitrazzle:

pissedoffweasley:

wizardingheadcanon:

kyraneko:

elidyce:

thatgirlonstage:

fuckyeahdeathlyhallows:

sirlestrange:

#that is a human as a rat as a cup

That was a long 12 years for Wormtail.

Can you imagine how differently their lives would’ve gone if Ron, in trying to transfigure Scabbers, had actually transfigured him back into a human?Just take a moment to imagine McGonagall’s reaction if Peter Pettigrew had abruptly appeared in her classroom from Ronald Weasley’s rat.Take a moment.

Or if Ron had fucked it up a little worse and couldn’t get ‘Scabbers’ back and McGonagall had take him to disenchant him and next thing we know there’s a naked Peter Pettigrew sitting on McGonagall’s desk and the kids in that class learn six new swear words, a hex they will never dare to use, and a fear of Minerva McGonagall’s wrath that will be with them until the day they die.
Ten and twenty years later first years are being pulled aside and warned never mess around in Transfiguration seriously the last time a kid mucked something up in that class Professor McGonagall used two semi-legal hexes, took down a Death Eater and sabotaged the rise of the Dark Lord before Potter had time to get his wand out.

What most of Hogwarts learned first on that otherwise-unexceptionable day was that Professor McGonagall could sure scream loud.
Professor Flitwick’s Charms 5th-year Charms class was close enough to catch the full effect, and the door had been left open besides; en masse the students recoiled with shock and a miscast Hiccuping Charm broke one of the windows (out which the entire flock of ravens they were practicing on escaped to the Forbidden Forest where they only had to worry about centaurs, rather than annoying young humans with wands).
Up in the Divination Tower, Sibyl Trelawny preened over her foresight to have warned her students of an unprecedented catastrophe likely to occur before the hour was out.
Out in Greenhouse Five, a NEWT-level Herbology class looked up in puzzlement, and most of them were subsequently bitten by the Venomous Tentaculae they were attempting to propagate. It does not do to ignore a Venomous Tentacula when you’re prodding at its intimate parts with a cotton ball held in tweezers, so the class was cancelled while two-thirds of the students headed for the infirmary and the rest of them headed into the castle because if they stayed with the Venomous Tentaculae they’d be outnumbered, and nobody wants that.
And down in the dungeons, Professor Snape turned away from comparing Lee Jordan’s Pepper-Up Potion to spoiled cream at what sounded like a woman screaming from the entrance hall. At the second scream, he ordered the class to remain where they were and behave, sweeping out of the room just in time to miss Theodore Nott suddenly jumping up and yelping as if someone had put a crocodile heart down the back of his robes.
Fred Weasley stepped back from the unfortunate Slytherin, shared a smirk with his twin, and stuck his head out the door to make sure Snape had rounded the corner before leading the way out of the classroom.
-
Back in the Transfiguration classroom, about four minutes ago, it had started innocently enough. Ron Weasley, possessed of a broken wand and a lurking suspicion that most of the family’s magical talent had been soaked up by his siblings before he was around to get any, had attempted to turn his pet rat, Scabbers, into a teacup.
Scabbers had not become a teacup.
Scabbers, blast his useless furry little backside, had become a furry, vaguely teacup-shaped monstrosity out of which absolutely no one would have been tempted to drink, and to make matters worse, he still had a tail.
It was moving.
Harry was hiding a smile behind his hand. Dean and Seamus weren’t even trying to hide, elbowing each other and laughing. Parvati and Lavender were looking with disgust and horror at either Scabbers or him, and Hermione was opening her mouth, no doubt ready to tell him exactly what he’d done wrong.
Which only made it worse that he really thought he’d done everything right this time.
He snatched Scabbers off the desk (eww, the base of the cup had the same texture as rat feet) and turned away from Hermione. He made the wand movement again, picturing in his mind the way McGonagall had demonstrated it. “Erreverto.”
“Erreverto. Erreverto. Erreverto.”
It didn’t work. It didn’t work when Professor McGonagall stopped by and gave Hermione two points for Gryffindor for getting the spell perfect in both directions. It didn’t work when Harry made his successful transfiguration (Ron looked; the pattern was a little bit furry but it was definitely a teacup). Ron’s lips formed the shape of a word that would’ve made his mother box his ears had she heard it and attempted the reverse transfiguration, which didn’t work either.
Finally, faced not only with the indignity of failure but the threat of Scabbers being stuck like that, he’d gone up to Professor McGonagall’s desk.
“Um, Professor?”
Professor McGonagall looked up from the paper she was grading and looked from him to the squirming teacup. “Problems, Mr. Weasley?”
“Um, yeah, Professor. I can’t get it to work in either direction and it’s not fair to Scabbers to make him stay as a teacup just because I can’t do a spell right and can you maybe … ?”
“I suppose so, Mr. Weasley,” she said, and waved her wand in the exact manner Ron had been doing all along.
Nothing happened.
Professor McGonagall looked very, very puzzled.
“Now that’s odd,” she said softly.
As one, the other students rose from their seats and quietly moved closer.
She did not attempt the transfiguration in the other direction. Instead, she made a complex motion with her wand and murmured an incantation that possibly only Hermione recognized. The teacup squeaked. Professor McGonagall looked more puzzled than ever, and made a sweeping wand movement that ended with a sharp jab and uttered, “Arcanum finite!”
And there was a loud bang, and there was a pale, pudgy, and very naked man sprawled out on her desk, and she jumped back hard enough to knock her chair into the wall and screamed.
-
Having taught a particularly rigorous course of magical study to children and teens for quite some time now, Minerva McGonagall had become accustomed to certain things. Students who didn’t listen. Students who did rude things to the mice when they thought she wasn’t looking. Students who accidentally turned a frog or a raven into a flock of starlings or a school of strange slimy South American fish (and tried to solve the immediate problem by filling the classroom with two feet of water, neglecting to consider the gap under the door). Students who tried to transfigure their noses into a more appealing shape and wound up in the hospital wing regrowing their nostrils.
Naked men on her desk was something Minerva McGonagall had never had an occasion to get used to. What made it worse was that she recognized this one, and he’d been dead for more than a decade.
Inferius! was her first thought, followed shortly thereafter by Animagus, which collided with Peter Pettigrew! and produced the utterly horrifying thought of what if all four of them were Animagi? which didn’t bear thinking about at all, so her brain jumped to if he wasn’t killed by a Dark Wizard then why didn’t he say so? and realized there was only one possible explanation why, and about that time her eyes registered that parts of Peter Pettigrew she really doesn’t want to know about were flopping about in front of her face, and she was screaming as she jumped back.
The flow of invective which followed somehow failed to surprise her one bit. Some part of her registered, peripherally, the shocked faces of her students, but most of her attention was directed at Peter Pettigrew, who at very least faked his own death and at worst framed Sirius Black and if Black didn’t betray the Potters then who … did. And the words poured out of her, filthy English and filthier Latin while Pettigrew squirmed on the table, his face rage and guilt and fear and something shifty and contemptible, and he turned to look at the stunned students and lunged for Ron Weasley’s wand.
-
Severus Snape had reached the Entrance Hall by the time the scream died away and the invective replaced it. He almost smirked, amid the alarm; of all the things he’d never expected to hear from Minerva McGonagall … he took the stairs two at a time, still not noticing the students who followed.
He did notice the Herbology class, which had stopped on the way to the Infirmary and were staring transfixed in the direction of the Transfiguration classroom, but pushed his way through them, getting Venomous Tentacula pollen all over his robes in the process.
From the other end of the corridor came Professor Flitwick’s Charms class, with Professor Flitwick bringing up the rear and pushing his way between students.
-
Ron looked stunned as the man who’d been his pet rat snatched the wand from his hand; Professor McGonagal’s expression shifted to one beyond fury and when the entire class recoiled, it wasn’t from the naked man with the wand.
“Laedo!“ Minerva McGonagall roared.
-
Ron Weasley’s wand cast a Splintering Curse many years beyond its rightful owner’s abilities, and it did Peter Pettigrew the poor favor of eliminating the door, which might have slowed him down a bit.
-
Severus Snape flailed and skidded to a halt as the Transfiguration classroom’s door shattered. He stepped back just in time, and stared, jaw dropped in shock, as a naked man he recognized from his school days flew past him and bellyflopped against the wall, bounced, and collapsed to the ground just in time to avoid the “Exitium!” which followed and vaporized an impresive chunk of the castle’s stone wall.
Fred and George and Lee Jordan, determined to stay at the front of the crowd, had been pushed almost against Professor Snape by their fellow Potions classmates and some pollen-coated Hufflepuffs. Fred squirmed aside hastily as Professor McGonagall appeared in the doorway, the look on her face so utterly livid that Professors Snape and Flitwick both reflexively stepped back.
Snape tripped over George’s foot and fell against a knot of Hufflepuffs, releasing another cloud of pollen and knocking them backwards. Pettigrew saw his opportunity and took it, scrambling to his feet, stumbling sideways, and launching himself towards the gap.
And Minerva McGonagall made a thrust with her wand and said, “Perdo.”
In the very loud silence which followed, Filius Flitwick squeaked, “The Splinching Charm, Minerva?”
She might’ve looked embarrassed for a moment, and then she smiled as she looked down at Pettigrew, who lay on his belly, his arms and legs lying akimbo some distance away.
“Unorthodox,” she said, “but useful in a pinch. If someone would inform the Headmaster, and send an owl to the Ministry—-not Fudge, not Crouch, someone competent—-Shacklebolt, perhaps. Students, return to your classrooms, please. Mr. Weasley, I’m very sorry, but I do believe it’s impossible to return you your rat. However, the zero I was going to have to give you for the day’s work is entirely undeserved, as you were not transfiguring a normal rat. You may make the lesson up any time this week.”
-
The story was, of course, much embellished by the time it reached all the students. Versions of it had the intruder peppering Snape with a Glitter Hex or transfiguring Ron’s rat into a pair of boxers, and people had to be disabused of the notion that it had been Voldemort who’d been hiding as a rat all this time.
Snape gave both Weasley twins detention for tripping him, and took forty-seven points total from Gryffindor over the next few weeks for various pretend-subtle pollen references.
Kingsley Shacklebolt showed up with a team of Aurors in time to meet Professor Dumbledore; the Wizengamot launched an investigation into the events surrounding the Potters’ murder; the results turned into a scandal which saw the release of Sirius Black and the forced resignation of both Director Bartemious Crouch and Minister Cornelius Fudge. Director of Magical Law Enforcement Amelia Bones was confirmed as Minister of Magic shortly thereafte, and the Daily Prophet reported that Sirius Black (“Godfather to the Boy-Who-Lived!” “Framed, Abandoned, Condemned to Living Hell!” “Heart-Wrenching: His Release In Pictures, Page 17!”) was considering applying for a teaching position at Hogwarts, “but just for a year, I’ve been cursed enough for one lifetime.” (“The Prophet reminds its readers that the so-called “curse” on a certain Hogwarts teaching position is almost certainly a mere string of coincidences.”)
And, Minerva thought with relish some months later, it was almost three weeks before anyone attempted messing around in her class.
A personal record.

I’ve probably reblogged this before but I’m going to do it again right now

I think this is literally the best au this entire fandom has produced

I’ve only seen this legendary bit of writing in memes and screenshots. I feel so blessed to see it in person.

Beautiful, simply beautiful!

Reblogging my own post because a) it’s my damn horn and I’ll blow it if I want to, and b) I just (finally!) cross-posted this to Archive Of Our Own, so if anybody wants to go read it over there, here it is.

YESSSSSSS! 


Love it!!

rmh8402: pegasusdragontiger: kyraneko: balencia: kitrazzle: pissedoffweasley: wizardingheadcanon: kyraneko: elidyce: thatgirlonsta...

America, Children, and Friends: Patrick S. Tomlinson . @stealthygeek Follow You watched a generation grow up on a diet of Harry Potter, Hunger Games, and Marvel movies, you stripped away their hope, their jobs, their futures, and then backed the most cartoonish super-villain in history for President, and you're shocked the children are fighting back? 9:30 PM 20 Feb 2018 5,374 Retweets 14,995 Likes 190 5.4K 15K Tweet your reply Patrick S. Tomlinson @stealthygeek Feb 20 Really? You followed the damned script to a T. You pumped up millions of kids, for two decades, to believe they and their friends could make a difference. Then you thrust them all into a dystopian nightmare of violence and persecution. And NOW you're shocked they're all Katniss? Patrick S. Tomlinson @stealthygeek Feb 20 Get them, children. Leave no one standing <p><a href="https://emmaubler.tumblr.com/post/171280103319/libertarirynn-ahahahahahaha-i-think" class="tumblr_blog">emmaubler</a>:</p> <blockquote><p><a href="https://libertarirynn.tumblr.com/post/171279736239/ahahahahahaha" class="tumblr_blog">libertarirynn</a>:</p><blockquote><p>AHAHAHAHAHAHA 😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣</p></blockquote> <p>I think my eyes just rolled out of my head.  If you’ve really been brainwashed into believing that current year America is actually a “dystopian nightmare” on par with the Hunger Games and that you are somehow a hybrid of Tony Stark and Harry Potter, please seek help. </p></blockquote> <p>I cannot stop giggling. A grown person really wrote this? They really think a place where you can freely voice your hatred for the president is a “dystopian nightmare“? They really think all these kids are Katniss and Harry Potter? They really think this is a “rebellion“ instead of a bunch of teenagers whining on the Internet? “Get them, children. Leave no one standing.“ give me a fucking break. These kids couldn’t rebel their way out of a wet paper bag. Imagine thinking a bunch of people scared shitless of guns are going to be the leaders of a violent revolution 😂😂😂</p>
America, Children, and Friends: Patrick S. Tomlinson .
 @stealthygeek
 Follow
 You watched a generation grow up on a
 diet of Harry Potter, Hunger Games, and
 Marvel movies, you stripped away their
 hope, their jobs, their futures, and then
 backed the most cartoonish super-villain
 in history for President, and you're
 shocked the children are fighting back?
 9:30 PM 20 Feb 2018
 5,374 Retweets 14,995 Likes
 190
 5.4K
 15K
 Tweet your reply
 Patrick S. Tomlinson @stealthygeek Feb 20
 Really? You followed the damned script to a T. You pumped up millions of kids,
 for two decades, to believe they and their friends could make a difference. Then
 you thrust them all into a dystopian nightmare of violence and persecution.
 And NOW you're shocked they're all Katniss?
 Patrick S. Tomlinson @stealthygeek Feb 20
 Get them, children. Leave no one standing
<p><a href="https://emmaubler.tumblr.com/post/171280103319/libertarirynn-ahahahahahaha-i-think" class="tumblr_blog">emmaubler</a>:</p>

<blockquote><p><a href="https://libertarirynn.tumblr.com/post/171279736239/ahahahahahaha" class="tumblr_blog">libertarirynn</a>:</p><blockquote><p>AHAHAHAHAHAHA 😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣</p></blockquote>
<p>I think my eyes just rolled out of my head.  If you’ve really been brainwashed into believing that current year America is actually a “dystopian nightmare” on par with the Hunger Games and that you are somehow a hybrid of Tony Stark and Harry Potter, please seek help. </p></blockquote>

<p>I cannot stop giggling. A grown person really wrote this? They really think a place where you can freely voice your hatred for the president is a “dystopian nightmare“? They really think all these kids are Katniss and Harry Potter? They really think this is a “rebellion“ instead of a bunch of teenagers whining on the Internet? “Get them, children. Leave no one standing.“ give me a fucking break. These kids couldn’t rebel their way out of a wet paper bag. Imagine thinking a bunch of people scared shitless of guns are going to be the leaders of a violent revolution 😂😂😂</p>

emmaubler: libertarirynn:AHAHAHAHAHAHA 😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣 I think my eyes just rolled out of my head.  If you’ve really been brainwashed into belie...

Books, Charlie, and Family: What are Fred and I, next-door neighbours? meet-the-girl-who-can: thekayabookworm: justcuzfandoms: marciellesmusings: lufttsu: Quotes from the Harry Potter Books [28/50] Can you imagine what it must have been like growing up for George and Fred. Notice how I said George and Fred because we always call them ‘Fred and George’ as if they were one person - just like their mum. Their own family couldn’t tell them apart. They didn’t have perfect grades like Percy. They weren’t as cool as Bill or Charlie. They weren’t the youngest male like Ron and they obviously weren’t female like Ginny. So they created a niche for themselves - The Pranksters. Because if people weren’t even going to bother to tell them apart then they were going to make people pay attention by pranking people and acting out. Then some scruffy looking boy in their younger brother’s year (ickle Harrikins) can tell them apart. There’s a reason George Weasley and Fred Weasley never pranked Harry Potter - because he’s the only one that bothered to try. I SWEAR I WILL REBLOG THIS EVERY TIME BECAUSE OF THE TEARS WELLING UP IN MY SOUL I like to thing that George and Fred thought of Harry as their little brother too way before Harry had any romantic interest in Ginny. Harry was also the one who invested in their niche fully, rather than being annoyed by it, he celebrated them for it.  That’s why they gave him the Marauders Map and then he gave them the Triwizard gold: ‘ ‘Take it,’ he said, and he thrust the sack into George’s hands.‘What?’ said Fred, looking flabbergasted.‘Take it,’ Harry repeated firmly. ‘I don’t want it.’‘You’re mental,’ said George, trying to push it back at Harry.No, I’m not,’ said Harry. 'You take it, and get inventing. It’s for the joke-shop.’'He is mental,’ Fred said, in an almost awed voice.…'Harry – thanks,’ George muttered, while Fred nodded fervently at his side’ It’s why they agreed to his request Ron get some new dress robes out of it. They’re clever not just funny ‘they always get really good marks’ but as OP says they’re not as good as Percy, Bill or Charlie. They helped Ron get him out of the Dursleys: 'But you can’t magic me out either –’'We don’t need to,’ said Ron, jerking his head towards the front seats and grinning. 'You forget who I’ve got with me.’ They get him into Hogsmede , they (unknowingly) helped the trio break into Umbridge’s ministry office. They liked Harry for himself  ‘This is all your fault,’ George said angrily to Wood. ’“Get the Snitch or die trying” – what a stupid thing to tell him!'’ And cheered him up when things went wrong, such as Harry being accused of being the Heir of Slytherin ‘They went out of their way to march ahead of Harry down the corridors, shouting, 'Make way for the heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through …’Percy was deeply disapproving of this behaviour.'It is not a laughing matter,’ he said coldly.'Oh, get out of the way, Percy,’ said Fred, 'Harry’s in a hurry.’'Yeah, he’s nipping off to the Chamber of Secrets for a cup of tea with his fanged servant,’ said George, chortling ‘ Or when Ron and Hermione were made Prefects and Harry felt left out: 'Yeah,’ said Fred slowly. 'Yeah, you’ve caused too much trouble, mate. Well, at least one of you’s got their priorities right.’ He strode over to Harry and clapped him on the back while giving Ron a scathing look. They tricked Dudley because they know how crappy Harry’s home is:  'We didn’t give it to him because he was a Muggle!’ said Fred indignantly.'No, we gave it to him because he’s a great bullying git,’ said George And of course: 'Give her hell from us, Peeves.’And Peeves, who Harry had never seen take an order from a student before, swept his belled hat from his head and sprang to a salute as Fred and George wheeled about to tumultuous applause from the students below and sped out of the open front doors into the glorious sunset.  Harry frequently heard students saying things like, 'Honestly, some days I just feel like jumping on my broom and leaving this place,’ or else, 'One more lesson like that and I might just do a Weasley.’ Harry’s relationships with George and Fred are some of my favourites
Books, Charlie, and Family: What are Fred and I, next-door neighbours?
meet-the-girl-who-can:

thekayabookworm:

justcuzfandoms:

marciellesmusings:

lufttsu:

Quotes from the Harry Potter Books [28/50]

Can you imagine what it must have been like growing up for George and Fred. Notice how I said George and Fred because we always call them ‘Fred and George’ as if they were one person - just like their mum. Their own family couldn’t tell them apart. They didn’t have perfect grades like Percy. They weren’t as cool as Bill or Charlie. They weren’t the youngest male like Ron and they obviously weren’t female like Ginny. So they created a niche for themselves - The Pranksters. Because if people weren’t even going to bother to tell them apart then they were going to make people pay attention by pranking people and acting out. Then some scruffy looking boy in their younger brother’s year (ickle Harrikins) can tell them apart.
There’s a reason George Weasley and Fred Weasley never pranked Harry Potter - because he’s the only one that bothered to try.

I SWEAR I WILL REBLOG THIS EVERY TIME BECAUSE OF THE TEARS WELLING UP IN MY SOUL

I like to thing that George and Fred thought of Harry as their little brother too way before Harry had any romantic interest in Ginny.

Harry was also the one who invested in their niche fully, rather than being annoyed by it, he celebrated them for it.  That’s why they gave him the Marauders Map and then he gave them the Triwizard gold:
‘

‘Take it,’ he said, and he thrust the sack into George’s hands.‘What?’ said Fred, looking flabbergasted.‘Take it,’ Harry repeated firmly. ‘I don’t want it.’‘You’re mental,’ said George, trying to push it back at Harry.No, I’m not,’ said Harry. 'You take it, and get inventing. It’s for the joke-shop.’'He is mental,’ Fred said, in an almost awed voice.…'Harry – thanks,’ George muttered, while Fred nodded fervently at his side’
It’s why they agreed to his request Ron get some new dress robes out of it. They’re clever not just funny ‘they always get really good marks’ but as OP says they’re not as good as Percy, Bill or Charlie. They helped Ron get him out of the Dursleys:
'But you can’t magic me out either –’'We don’t need to,’ said Ron, jerking his head towards the front seats and grinning. 'You forget who I’ve got with me.’
They get him into Hogsmede , they (unknowingly) helped the trio break into Umbridge’s ministry office. They liked Harry for himself 
‘This is all your fault,’ George said angrily to Wood. ’“Get the Snitch or die trying” – what a stupid thing to tell him!'’
And cheered him up when things went wrong, such as Harry being accused of being the Heir of Slytherin
‘They went out of their way to march ahead of Harry down the corridors, shouting, 'Make way for the heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through …’Percy was deeply disapproving of this behaviour.'It is not a laughing matter,’ he said coldly.'Oh, get out of the way, Percy,’ said Fred, 'Harry’s in a hurry.’'Yeah, he’s nipping off to the Chamber of Secrets for a cup of tea with his fanged servant,’ said George, chortling

‘
Or when Ron and Hermione were made Prefects and Harry felt left out:


'Yeah,’ said Fred slowly. 'Yeah, you’ve caused too much trouble, mate. Well, at least one of you’s got their priorities right.’ He strode over to Harry and clapped him on the back while giving Ron a scathing look.


They tricked Dudley because they know how crappy Harry’s home is: 


'We didn’t give it to him because he was a Muggle!’ said Fred indignantly.'No, we gave it to him because he’s a great bullying git,’ said George


And of course:
'Give her hell from us, Peeves.’And Peeves, who Harry had never seen take an order from a student before, swept his belled hat from his head and sprang to a salute as Fred and George wheeled about to tumultuous applause from the students below and sped out of the open front doors into the glorious sunset. 
Harry frequently heard students saying things like, 'Honestly, some days I just feel like jumping on my broom and leaving this place,’ or else, 'One more lesson like that and I might just do a Weasley.’
Harry’s relationships with George and Fred are some of my favourites

meet-the-girl-who-can: thekayabookworm: justcuzfandoms: marciellesmusings: lufttsu: Quotes from the Harry Potter Books [28/50] Can you...

5 Am, Ass, and Bad: Anonymous 09/29/17(Fri)19:54:36 No. 746664631 >2746670273 My autistic tinder hookup be me, 19 > ust quit night job, sleep schedule fucked up > have a cold > trying to stay up to fix sleep schedule, dying > fuck with girls on tinder, don't really care about it > used to try to get girls on it, gave up after only whales and retards were dtf > match with a mexican girl, 50 miles away > she's okay looking, not bad but nothing too special > send her a message saying "u like spaghettio?" > spaghettio's autocorrected to spaghettio, I thought it was funny > she just says "yes" > don't reply for a few hours > she sends me a message saving "you look like you have a big dick > I am confused and assure her that I do not > she says she wants to be penetrated > she says that she is moving away for school soon and doesn't want anything serious > I look her up on facebook and make sure that l'm not being catfished > see that she's about to move from the Midwest to California for school > the school is a community college > the subject gets changed, I ask her about herself while I nervously try to decide if I should fuck her > she starts telling me about her political stances, and how she wants to change the world > says she wants to teach at an inner-city school > I asked if she has ever gone to one, she says no but that she rode a bus with one once, and the students were all ignorant > she sends me a 15 minute john oliver video about translators helping the military in the middle east > I watch it for some reason > she starts talking about us fucking again > decide fuck it, I'm tired of missing my chances to get free puss > my only prior sexual experience is jerking my flaccid dick off on an escort's couch for 10 minutes tell her I'm dtf, ask for her numbe > she won't give it to me, she doesn't want us to get that close since she's moving > tells me she doesn't want to kiss when we hook up > fine with me, I'm bad at it anyways > she sends me her address Anonymous 09/29/17(Fri)19 57 04 No. 746664850 File: 2.ipg (35 KB, 324x470) s it's almost 10 pm at this point, I've already been awake for 23 hours > I shower and finally leave at like 11 get in my newly-purchased $1500 piece of shit car > loud as fuck, power steering barely functional, tire pressure terrible > start heading to her house, 1 hr 20 min trip according to google > realize that I should stop to get a 5 hour energy and put air in my tires > go to speedway, buy the 5 hour energy -1/--Hime > cashier keeps talking to me about how I'll need it for pokemon go (it just came out) > he won't stop talking about it, meanwhile im nervous as fuck finally leave, put air in my tires > their pressure is extremely low and I've only driven for 20 minutes so far > keep going, scared that car isn't going to be able to make it > stop again at another speedway, about an hour into the trip >put the air in my tires, try to find my way back to highway > have shitty ass cheap phone service, can't get google maps to load > just get back on highway and keep driving for a while > google maps is loading again, I make it to her town > having severe stomach issues, about to shit myself > lose service in her town, have no idea where I'm at >pull up to a sketchy ass gas station, go in to release my bowels > later in life I find out that I have irritable bowel syndrome > shit in the bathroom for probably 15 minutes, it's now almost 1 am > leave the bathroom, 2 men standing at the counter smiling at me > avoid eye contact and leave > still nervous as fuck and without phone service > drive around her town not knowing what to do >want to go home, but I've already made it this far so I cant give up finally get service, check tinder to see over 10 messages from her > she's getting pissed and wants to know what's going on > I park in front of someone's house and tell her that I'm lost > try to memorize directions to her house in case I lose service again > head to her house once again, lose service >think I find her house, but it's a two-family house and her neighbors are outside for some reason > not sure what to do or where to park drive around the block a few times, her neighbors are obviously suspicious that my loud ass car keeps passing by finally decide to park, pull up in front of her house > her neighbors are staring at me, start calling someone > luckily have service and can message her > tell her ive arrived > unluckily she's retarded and won't come to the door she tells me to just walk in > tell her that sounds sketchy > she still wont come to the door, says shes busy drinking water neighbors still staring at me, almost 10 minutes have passed > decide fuck it, ill walk in > cop car pulls up as im getting out of my car s they shine their spotlight on me, they don't say anything > I wave like the autist I am to them > they don't react > just walk in, my heart is pounding > she's standing by the doorway wearing panties and a tank top > don't understand why she didn't just let me in but whatever she grabs me and leads me through her dark house > there is a child that she is supposed to be babysitting sleeping on the couch > her bed is just 2 twin size beds next to each other > it's hot as fuck and I don't think there is any AC, only a fan there's a huge mirror in front of her bed > Christmas lights all over her room > she lays down > I stand there awkwardly, unsure of what to do > just make small-talk about her neighbors she says something like "are we going to fuck or not?" > nervously strip to my baggy boxer-briefs >get in the bed, start kissing her thighs > she tells me to eat her out > I have no idea how to pull her panties off and start licking her nether regions no clue what im doing, she seems to be enjoying somehow though > decide to stick a finger in, she likes it s haphazardly jam more fingers in, she still likes it O Anonymous 09/29/17(Fri)20:12:17 No.746666235 File: 4ipg (20 KB, 450x319) 2-746666831 >-746669345 >barely get it on, stick my chub inside her > thrust into her for a couple minutes, starting to lose breath > losing my boner minutes losing my boner > I get up and take my condom off > she starts sucking my dick her face is right around the corner from my asshole and I just had diarrhea she says she wants to ride me, I lay in the middle of her bed > the mattresses start to spread apart >I move to lay against the wall mostly on one mattress > it was dark so I couldn't tell, but I probably left ass sweat and shit stains all over her bed her titties are in my face, not totally sure what to do about them > I get back on top go for a few more minutes until I almost die she asks whyI keep getting so tired fuck her > I've been up for over 24 hours at this point, still sick we lay around talking about stuff for a while >trying to cool off, I don't even have a water >she rubs her hand on my dick and licks the precum off her finger > she sits on my dick while telling random stories tells me about how she was molested as a child probably giving me herpes > child starts knocking on door, crying > she yells at him to get back to bed > we get back to sex after 45 minutes try a few more positions > get her to try out some stuff like titty fucking and a foot job > I say "im gay" every time we switch positions because I am an autist and find it funny she asks me why I keep making fun of gay people she starts licking my mouth and tongue even though she said we shouldn't kiss > she's rubbing my dick on her clit and im about to cum > not sure what to do or say or where to cum > start to cum on her chest she sticks my dick in her mouth as I finish > we clean up, I ask her if she wants me to leave or if we should keep fucking > she says she planned on continuing > I somehow don't lose my erection and im miraculously able to continue >we do a few more positions, my unprotected dick is inside her while there is probably cum in my urethra Anonymous 09/29/17(Fri)20:14:53 No.746666535· File: 5ipg (258 KB, 1300x1131) 746667711 >im fucking her hard at one point, she's moaning "seel See!" > ask her "see what? > she says "no, Spanish" > Im a retard > almost an hour goes by, we're both tired and hot now she says she really wants to do some freaky shit, asks me for ideas > I don't fucking know > I think she mightve came twice, I don't really remember >she came at least once, not sure how I did it >I just want to get another nut off > she's ferociously sucking my dick, im >she gives up and lays with her face in the bed, her ass up > it takes every little bit of energy for me to cum onto her ass 9 she tells me to take a photo so I do >she tries to move my hand to her asshole, I resist > get dressed, go for a hug she gives me a high-five instead, doesn't want us to get close >say bye, leave > drive home for over an hour >awake for like 30 hours, dehydrated, hot > contemplating life, the possibility that I got her pregnant > probably have herpes > just want to go home and shower and sleep > have never felt so dead inside >get home after 5 am, dad is getting ready for work >go to sleep without showering > periodically look her up to make sure she isn't pregnant struggling to cum Anon gets laid
5 Am, Ass, and Bad: Anonymous 09/29/17(Fri)19:54:36 No. 746664631
 >2746670273
 My autistic tinder hookup
 be me, 19
 > ust quit night job, sleep schedule fucked up
 > have a cold
 > trying to stay up to fix sleep schedule, dying
 > fuck with girls on tinder, don't really care about it
 > used to try to get girls on it, gave up after only whales and
 retards were dtf
 > match with a mexican girl, 50 miles away
 > she's okay looking, not bad but nothing too special
 > send her a message saying "u like spaghettio?"
 > spaghettio's autocorrected to spaghettio, I thought it was funny
 > she just says "yes"
 > don't reply for a few hours
 > she sends me a message saving "you look like you have a big
 dick
 > I am confused and assure her that I do not
 > she says she wants to be penetrated
 > she says that she is moving away for school soon and doesn't want anything serious
 > I look her up on facebook and make sure that l'm not being catfished
 > see that she's about to move from the Midwest to California for school
 > the school is a community college
 > the subject gets changed, I ask her about herself while I nervously try to decide if I should
 fuck her
 > she starts telling me about her political stances, and how she wants to change the world
 > says she wants to teach at an inner-city school
 > I asked if she has ever gone to one, she says no but that she rode a bus with one once, and
 the students were all ignorant
 > she sends me a 15 minute john oliver video about translators helping the military in the
 middle east
 > I watch it for some reason
 > she starts talking about us fucking again
 > decide fuck it, I'm tired of missing my chances to get free puss
 > my only prior sexual experience is jerking my flaccid dick off on an escort's couch for 10
 minutes
 tell her I'm dtf, ask for her numbe
 > she won't give it to me, she doesn't want us to get that close since she's moving
 > tells me she doesn't want to kiss when we hook up
 > fine with me, I'm bad at it anyways
 > she sends me her address

 Anonymous 09/29/17(Fri)19 57 04 No. 746664850
 File: 2.ipg (35 KB, 324x470)
 s it's almost 10 pm at this point, I've already been awake for 23 hours
 > I shower and finally leave at like 11
 get in my newly-purchased $1500 piece of shit car
 > loud as fuck, power steering barely functional, tire pressure terrible
 > start heading to her house, 1 hr 20 min trip according to google
 > realize that I should stop to get a 5 hour energy and put air in my
 tires
 > go to speedway, buy the 5 hour energy
 -1/--Hime
 > cashier keeps talking to me about how I'll need it for pokemon go (it just came out)
 > he won't stop talking about it, meanwhile im nervous as fuck
 finally leave, put air in my tires
 > their pressure is extremely low and I've only driven for 20 minutes so far
 > keep going, scared that car isn't going to be able to make it
 > stop again at another speedway, about an hour into the trip
 >put the air in my tires, try to find my way back to highway
 > have shitty ass cheap phone service, can't get google maps to load
 > just get back on highway and keep driving for a while
 > google maps is loading again, I make it to her town
 > having severe stomach issues, about to shit myself
 > lose service in her town, have no idea where I'm at
 >pull up to a sketchy ass gas station, go in to release my bowels
 > later in life I find out that I have irritable bowel syndrome
 > shit in the bathroom for probably 15 minutes, it's now almost 1 am
 > leave the bathroom, 2 men standing at the counter smiling at me
 > avoid eye contact and leave
 > still nervous as fuck and without phone service
 > drive around her town not knowing what to do
 >want to go home, but I've already made it this far so I cant give up
 finally get service, check tinder to see over 10 messages from her
 > she's getting pissed and wants to know what's going on
 > I park in front of someone's house and tell her that I'm lost
 > try to memorize directions to her house in case I lose service again
 > head to her house once again, lose service

 >think I find her house, but it's a two-family house and her neighbors
 are outside for some reason
 > not sure what to do or where to park
 drive around the block a few times, her neighbors are obviously
 suspicious that my loud ass car keeps passing by
 finally decide to park, pull up in front of her house
 > her neighbors are staring at me, start calling someone
 > luckily have service and can message her
 > tell her ive arrived
 > unluckily she's retarded and won't come to the door
 she tells me to just walk in
 > tell her that sounds sketchy
 > she still wont come to the door, says shes busy drinking water
 neighbors still staring at me, almost 10 minutes have passed
 > decide fuck it, ill walk in
 > cop car pulls up as im getting out of my car
 s they shine their spotlight on me, they don't say anything
 > I wave like the autist I am to them
 > they don't react
 > just walk in, my heart is pounding
 > she's standing by the doorway wearing panties and a tank top
 > don't understand why she didn't just let me in but whatever
 she grabs me and leads me through her dark house
 > there is a child that she is supposed to be babysitting sleeping on the couch
 > her bed is just 2 twin size beds next to each other
 > it's hot as fuck and I don't think there is any AC, only a fan
 there's a huge mirror in front of her bed
 > Christmas lights all over her room
 > she lays down
 > I stand there awkwardly, unsure of what to do
 > just make small-talk about her neighbors
 she says something like "are we going to fuck or not?"
 > nervously strip to my baggy boxer-briefs
 >get in the bed, start kissing her thighs
 > she tells me to eat her out
 > I have no idea how to
 pull her panties off and start licking her nether regions
 no clue what im doing, she seems to be enjoying somehow though
 > decide to stick a finger in, she likes it
 s haphazardly jam more fingers in, she still likes it

 O Anonymous 09/29/17(Fri)20:12:17 No.746666235
 File: 4ipg (20 KB, 450x319)
 2-746666831 >-746669345
 >barely get it on, stick my chub inside her
 > thrust into her for a couple minutes, starting to lose breath
 > losing my boner
 minutes
 losing my boner
 > I get up and take my condom off
 > she starts sucking my dick
 her face is right around the corner from my asshole and I just had
 diarrhea
 she says she wants to ride me, I lay in the middle of her bed
 > the mattresses start to spread apart
 >I move to lay against the wall mostly on one mattress
 > it was dark so I couldn't tell, but I probably left ass sweat and shit stains all over her bed
 her titties are in my face, not totally sure what to do about them
 > I get back on top
 go for a few more minutes until I almost die
 she asks whyI keep getting so tired
 fuck her
 > I've been up for over 24 hours at this point, still sick
 we lay around talking about stuff for a while
 >trying to cool off, I don't even have a water
 >she rubs her hand on my dick and licks the precum off her finger
 > she sits on my dick while telling random stories
 tells me about how she was molested as a child
 probably giving me herpes
 > child starts knocking on door, crying
 > she yells at him to get back to bed
 > we get back to sex after 45 minutes
 try a few more positions
 > get her to try out some stuff like titty fucking and a foot job
 > I say "im gay" every time we switch positions because I am an autist and find it funny
 she asks me why I keep making fun of gay people
 she starts licking my mouth and tongue even though she said we shouldn't kiss
 > she's rubbing my dick on her clit and im about to cum
 > not sure what to do or say or where to cum
 > start to cum on her chest
 she sticks my dick in her mouth as I finish
 > we clean up, I ask her if she wants me to leave or if we should keep fucking
 > she says she planned on continuing
 > I somehow don't lose my erection and im miraculously able to continue
 >we do a few more positions, my unprotected dick is inside her while there is probably
 cum in my urethra

 Anonymous 09/29/17(Fri)20:14:53 No.746666535·
 File: 5ipg (258 KB, 1300x1131)
 746667711
 >im fucking her hard at one point, she's
 moaning "seel See!"
 > ask her "see what?
 > she says "no, Spanish"
 > Im a retard
 > almost an hour goes by, we're both tired and
 hot now
 she says she really wants to do some freaky shit, asks me for ideas
 > I don't fucking know
 > I think she mightve came twice, I don't really remember
 >she came at least once, not sure how I did it
 >I just want to get another nut off
 > she's ferociously sucking my dick, im
 >she gives up and lays with her face in the bed, her ass up
 > it takes every little bit of energy for me to cum onto her ass
 9 she tells me to take a photo so I do
 >she tries to move my hand to her asshole, I resist
 > get dressed, go for a hug
 she gives me a high-five instead, doesn't want us to get close
 >say bye, leave
 > drive home for over an hour
 >awake for like 30 hours, dehydrated, hot
 > contemplating life, the possibility that I got her pregnant
 > probably have herpes
 > just want to go home and shower and sleep
 > have never felt so dead inside
 >get home after 5 am, dad is getting ready for work
 >go to sleep without showering
 > periodically look her up to make sure she isn't pregnant
 struggling to cum
Anon gets laid

Anon gets laid

Caitlyn Jenner, Cars, and Cheating: TOP PRETENDING YOUR RACISM IS PATRIOTISM Compassion for fashion & material interests, as you digest more flesh of the beast that invests, in financial slavery & monetary incest, what's next, more debts so we stay perplexed, Puppets pretend to make decisions, politics is a theatre on the Tel-Lie-vision, can we trust them? They are all rich in the bank, as they thrust chemtrails & more pollutants, translucent & opaque, so many are so fake, sorry it was a mistake we contaminated more lakes, for profit & tax breaks, but we still support them when we buy up the bar, more gas for their expensive cars, celebrating reality tv stars, a devastating fallacy will be ours, we are killing all the bees, chopping all the trees, so we can graze our meat, give our children treats that aren't fit to eat. How did we get here, oh dear, you don't study history so to you it's not clear. Telling your daughter the designer dresses look cute, while cheating on your family with weekly Prostitutes...who really are just a product of you, you f*cked the earth for paper, now you pay to professionally rape her, film & tape her, give her back soulless money & say you will see her later. She can only give in for so long, she is only so strong, murdering your own humanity for purposeless vanity, it's all insanity, reality damaged me, hope is fleeting, junk food is eating away at the starving, we greeting another mission to mars & paedophiles creeping our children's organs for carving... All of this sickness while the president is tweeting... but you just want thickness on IG for your skeeting, you want a waxed woman to sit down, shut up & obey, the taxes keep coming, you frown & output hours of your life in this way. There is so much injustice that you feel useless, stupid & fruitless, whatever happened to Baghdad, you're scared or arabs in hijabs, you blame the Muslims again & again, at least they kill child abusers out there in Yemen... But anyway don't get distracted, somebody on tv did another backflip & have nothing to fear Caitlyn Jenner was recently voted woman of the year... chakabars @badgalriri
Caitlyn Jenner, Cars, and Cheating: TOP PRETENDING YOUR
 RACISM
 IS PATRIOTISM
Compassion for fashion & material interests, as you digest more flesh of the beast that invests, in financial slavery & monetary incest, what's next, more debts so we stay perplexed, Puppets pretend to make decisions, politics is a theatre on the Tel-Lie-vision, can we trust them? They are all rich in the bank, as they thrust chemtrails & more pollutants, translucent & opaque, so many are so fake, sorry it was a mistake we contaminated more lakes, for profit & tax breaks, but we still support them when we buy up the bar, more gas for their expensive cars, celebrating reality tv stars, a devastating fallacy will be ours, we are killing all the bees, chopping all the trees, so we can graze our meat, give our children treats that aren't fit to eat. How did we get here, oh dear, you don't study history so to you it's not clear. Telling your daughter the designer dresses look cute, while cheating on your family with weekly Prostitutes...who really are just a product of you, you f*cked the earth for paper, now you pay to professionally rape her, film & tape her, give her back soulless money & say you will see her later. She can only give in for so long, she is only so strong, murdering your own humanity for purposeless vanity, it's all insanity, reality damaged me, hope is fleeting, junk food is eating away at the starving, we greeting another mission to mars & paedophiles creeping our children's organs for carving... All of this sickness while the president is tweeting... but you just want thickness on IG for your skeeting, you want a waxed woman to sit down, shut up & obey, the taxes keep coming, you frown & output hours of your life in this way. There is so much injustice that you feel useless, stupid & fruitless, whatever happened to Baghdad, you're scared or arabs in hijabs, you blame the Muslims again & again, at least they kill child abusers out there in Yemen... But anyway don't get distracted, somebody on tv did another backflip & have nothing to fear Caitlyn Jenner was recently voted woman of the year... chakabars @badgalriri

Compassion for fashion