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Beer, Drunk, and Friends: ONE TIME, WHEN I WAS DRUNK... I tried to steal a large, expensive bottle of beer from a house I cleverly hid it by stuffing it into my pants. party I was attending. I knew there was only one thing I could do to make this right. But as I was saying goodbye... The bottle fell out and shattered on the ground. 0 SNASH T ran the hell away. Collegelumon ONE TIME, WHEN I WAS DRUNK... CollegeHumor I went online and became an ordained minister. This is the number one best idea. QUIKMINISTER.BIZ "Twice as holy for half the price!" SIGN UP TODAY! So now, when you sneeze, and I say "bless you"... It secretly means so much more. ONE TIME, WHEN I WAS DRUNK... I started doing magic tricks for all of the employees at a bar. Whether they wanted to see them or not. Whassat behind yer ear...? Ish... thish yer card? uh, yeah actually! It's a shot! A few months later, I went back to that bar, assuming that by now no one would remember my embarrasing magic show. But the bouncer recognized me... Yeah, you're the guy with all the magic tricks, right? Hey pal, don'tIknow you from somewhere? well I've got one say to you... thing to WE STILL TALK THAT WAS SO AWESOME! ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME! CollegeHumor ...He was a big fan. ONE TIME, WHEN I WAS DRUNK... I got super nauseous while I was riding in the car with friends so I barfed out the window, all over everyone in the back seat... ...and directly onto the windshield of the police car behind us. We got pulled over, and everyone in the car got a ticket... SPLAT!! CollegeHumon ...except for me, because I was the only one with my seatbelt on. madamebomb: pr1nceshawn: One time, when I was drunk… THAT LAST ONE NEVER FAILS TO MAKE ME LAUGH
nsfw
Beer, Drunk, and Friends: ONE TIME, WHEN I WAS DRUNK...
 I tried to steal a large, expensive
 bottle of beer from a house
 I cleverly hid it by stuffing
 it into my pants.
 party I was attending.
 I knew there was only
 one thing I could do
 to make this right.
 But as I was saying
 goodbye...
 The bottle fell out
 and shattered
 on the ground.
 0
 SNASH
 T ran the hell away.
 Collegelumon

 ONE TIME, WHEN I WAS DRUNK...
 CollegeHumor
 I went online and became an
 ordained minister.
 This is the number
 one best idea.
 QUIKMINISTER.BIZ
 "Twice as holy for
 half the price!"
 SIGN UP TODAY!
 So now, when you sneeze, and I
 say "bless you"...
 It secretly means so much more.

 ONE TIME, WHEN I WAS DRUNK...
 I started doing magic tricks for
 all of the employees at a bar.
 Whether they wanted to see
 them or not.
 Whassat behind yer ear...?
 Ish... thish yer card?
 uh, yeah actually!
 It's a shot!
 A few months later, I went back to that bar,
 assuming that by now no one would remember
 my embarrasing magic show.
 But the bouncer recognized me...
 Yeah, you're the guy with all
 the magic tricks, right?
 Hey pal, don'tIknow you from
 somewhere?
 well I've got one
 say to you...
 thing to
 WE STILL TALK
 THAT WAS SO AWESOME!
 ABOUT IT ALL
 THE TIME!
 CollegeHumor
 ...He was a
 big fan.

 ONE TIME, WHEN I WAS DRUNK...
 I got super nauseous while I was
 riding in the car with friends
 so I barfed out the window, all
 over everyone in the back seat...
 ...and directly onto the
 windshield of the police car
 behind us.
 We got pulled over, and
 everyone in the car got a ticket...
 SPLAT!!
 CollegeHumon
 ...except for me, because I was the only one with my seatbelt on.
madamebomb:

pr1nceshawn:

One time, when I was drunk…

THAT LAST ONE NEVER FAILS TO MAKE ME LAUGH

madamebomb: pr1nceshawn: One time, when I was drunk… THAT LAST ONE NEVER FAILS TO MAKE ME LAUGH

Alive, Animals, and Beautiful: SPEED DATING TODAY! vixiano: thedirtythirty: wonderingifyoukneww: secretly-obsessed-with-fandoms: arylenchanted: ungratefullittleshit: msannedree: rowan-fcb: causewecan: creamsifemme-kitty: totallynotthecops: scars-of-stars: dragonsrequiem: deigns: its-jakeperalta: deigns: petl0vers: celebrity–outfits: its-jakeperalta: 10 REASONS TO ADOPT A PET You save a life. The cost of adoption is less than buying a pet. Most shelter animals have had medical treatment and are spayed/neutered, microchipped, and up to date with vaccines. There are more unique pets to choose from in shelters. Age, breeds, mixed breeds, and personality choices are greater. Many are already trained. Your bed is pre-warmed on cold winter nights. Animals are just ready to love you, no matter what. Adopting from a shelter opens a cage for another pet who needs a new forever home. An adult pet takes the guess work out of determining size, thickness of coat, and energy level. Mixed breeds are unique compared to purebreeds and may have less genetically inherited health problems. Take this quiz to find out which dog is right for you! Please adopt some lovely doggos As someone who just adopted a third doggo from the shelter, please do it if you can find a dog right for you. Those shelters do everything they can to keep them alive, but it’s a family that keeps them happy. Okay, but is there a quiz for which shelter kitty I should get? @deigns​  good u asked, yes!!! sorry I forgot to add that one, anyway here is it What Breed of Cat should you get? Ty jake peralta Plus? Those animals in the pound? They KNOW that they are on death row. My first dog as a married woman was an eleventh hour adoption. A 13-y-o basset hound mix (pound said they thought he was 11 because they were trying to save him by making him sound a teeny bit younger) and he was “Til death do we part” loyal. We lost him 4 years later to cancer, and we (the family had grown from 2 to 3 humans) were devastated. My sister? Fosters cats, and ended up with a charmer who’d been hit by a car. Sephiroth is a well loved asshole, and his brother, Cloud (a stray who found a sucker bet), is almost canine levels of friendly. Be a superhero. Save a life. Rescue. As someone who has worked in a shelter for two years and watched many of my babies go to their incredible forever homes, you wouldn’t BELIEVE how big of a difference you can see in the animals’ behavior from being in the kennels to even just a few minutes after leaving. When their new owners are filling out the paperwork, there’s already a new spark in their eyes. They KNOW they’re going home; they know they’re getting to be loved the way all animals deserve to be. There are so many beautiful animals in shelters that get overlooked. Next time you’re searching for a companion, check your local shelters and rescues. Not only are you getting a companion, but you’re saving a life. I got my Norwegian Forest Cat from a shelter. He’s huge, and never shuts up, and is moody and a prolific hunter (or was. He’s not allowed out), and the biggest cuddliest mamas boy on the planet. i just adopted my first cat from the humane society ! her name is Persephone and she’s 14 almost 15 years old. i love my angel so much. I got all three of my cats from shelters and they are honestly so appreciative! They are amazing little creatures and have become the light of my life…. please adopt!! You won’t regret it and neither will your little ball of fur. This cutie used to be a stray in Greece. A lot of people try to poisen them, because there are so many strays there (which is the peoples fault. They buy puppies and leave them on the streets when they are older). I‘m happy, I had the chance to safe my little lady. I still wish to safe more. They are always so happy when you only pet them or just give them a bit of attention. My babies Penelope and Eloise were irresponsibly let outside without being spayed. Both got pregnant and their owner dumped them at the shelter two weeks before they were due with kittens. Due to being full to capacity, they were immediately at the top of the kill list. Thankfully a foster rescued them, got them healthy, helped them birth nine healthy kittens between the two of them, rescued four more orphan kittens that these girls adopted and nursed, got them ALL fixed, got ALL THIRTEEN kittens good homes, and I adopted these silly, destructive, adorable, loud, cuddle bugs. They’re a bonded pair, and they’ve brought light and love and laughter into my life. Please adopt!!!! Please fix your pets! Save a love, be compassionate, and find your best friend! Both adopted in a shelter. Best decision I have ever made. My husband and I adopted this little ball of love from a shelter and he’s literally the most amazing dog in the world. ❤️ got all four of my loves from our local shelter. absolute sweethearts ❤️ Got this pretty fur ball from a local shelter 🥰 #adoptdontshop The future wife and I adopted this 3-legged snuggle bug from our local humane society this summer and it’s one of, if not THE, best decision we have made ❤️🥰 My adopted baby! Please don’t disregard shelters just because you want a certain breed! Either sign up to volunteer at a shelter (you’ll get the inside scoop on the dogs/cats) or visit the shelter every day or every other day. There are always so many different breeds, some just get scooped up quicker than others! My precious boy!!! We actually adopted him throigh Facebook from Romania - if your shelter doesn’t have the breed you want, there are so many other places to look! Follow rescue centre pages on social media and look on websites!
Alive, Animals, and Beautiful: SPEED
 DATING
 TODAY!
vixiano:
thedirtythirty:

wonderingifyoukneww:

secretly-obsessed-with-fandoms:

arylenchanted:

ungratefullittleshit:


msannedree:

rowan-fcb:

causewecan:

creamsifemme-kitty:


totallynotthecops:

scars-of-stars:

dragonsrequiem:


deigns:

its-jakeperalta:

deigns:

petl0vers:

celebrity–outfits:

its-jakeperalta:

10 REASONS TO ADOPT A PET
You save a life.
The cost of adoption is less than buying a pet.
Most shelter animals have had medical treatment and are spayed/neutered, microchipped, and up to date with vaccines.
There are more unique pets to choose from in shelters. Age, breeds, mixed breeds, and personality choices are greater.
Many are already trained.
Your bed is pre-warmed on cold winter nights.
Animals are just ready to love you, no matter what.
Adopting from a shelter opens a cage for another pet who needs a new forever home.
An adult pet takes the guess work out of determining size, thickness of coat, and energy level.
Mixed breeds are unique compared to purebreeds and may have less genetically inherited health problems.
Take this quiz to find out which dog is right for you!

Please adopt some lovely doggos



As someone who just adopted a third doggo from the shelter, please do it if you can find a dog right for you. Those shelters do everything they can to keep them alive, but it’s a family that keeps them happy.





Okay, but is there a quiz for which shelter kitty I should get?



@deigns​ 

good u asked, yes!!! sorry I forgot to add that one, anyway here is it


What Breed of Cat should you get? 



Ty jake peralta


Plus? Those animals in the pound? They KNOW that they are on death row. My first dog as a married woman was an eleventh hour adoption. A 13-y-o basset hound mix (pound said they thought he was 11 because they were trying to save him by making him sound a teeny bit younger) and he was “Til death do we part” loyal. We lost him 4 years later to cancer, and we (the family had grown from 2 to 3 humans) were devastated.
My sister? Fosters cats, and ended up with a charmer who’d been hit by a car. Sephiroth is a well loved asshole, and his brother, Cloud (a stray who found a sucker bet), is almost canine levels of friendly.
Be a superhero. Save a life. Rescue.


As someone who has worked in a shelter for two years and watched many of my babies go to their incredible forever homes, you wouldn’t BELIEVE how big of a difference you can see in the animals’ behavior from being in the kennels to even just a few minutes after leaving. When their new owners are filling out the paperwork, there’s already a new spark in their eyes. They KNOW they’re going home; they know they’re getting to be loved the way all animals deserve to be. There are so many beautiful animals in shelters that get overlooked. Next time you’re searching for a companion, check your local shelters and rescues. Not only are you getting a companion, but you’re saving a life. 


I got my Norwegian Forest Cat from a shelter. He’s huge, and never shuts up, and is moody and a prolific hunter (or was. He’s not allowed out), and the biggest cuddliest mamas boy on the planet. 


i just adopted my first cat from the humane society ! her name is Persephone and she’s 14 almost 15 years old. i love my angel so much. 




I got all three of my cats from shelters and they are honestly so appreciative! They are amazing little creatures and have become the light of my life…. please adopt!! You won’t regret it and neither will your little ball of fur. 


This cutie used to be a stray in Greece. A lot of people try to poisen them, because there are so many strays there (which is the peoples fault. They buy puppies and leave them on the streets when they are older).
I‘m happy, I had the chance to safe my little lady. I still wish to safe more. They are always so happy when you only pet them or just give them a bit of attention.




My babies Penelope and Eloise were irresponsibly let outside without being spayed. Both got pregnant and their owner dumped them at the shelter two weeks before they were due with kittens. Due to being full to capacity, they were immediately at the top of the kill list. Thankfully a foster rescued them, got them healthy, helped them birth nine healthy kittens between the two of them, rescued four more orphan kittens that these girls adopted and nursed, got them ALL fixed, got ALL THIRTEEN kittens good homes, and I adopted these silly, destructive, adorable, loud, cuddle bugs. They’re a bonded pair, and they’ve brought light and love and laughter into my life. Please adopt!!!! Please fix your pets! Save a love, be compassionate, and find your best friend! 




Both adopted in a shelter. Best decision I have ever made.




My husband and I adopted this little ball of love from a shelter and he’s literally the most amazing dog in the world. ❤️ 




got all four of my loves from our local shelter. absolute sweethearts ❤️


Got this pretty fur ball from a local shelter 🥰  #adoptdontshop 




The future wife and I adopted this 3-legged snuggle bug from our local humane society this summer and it’s one of, if not THE, best decision we have made ❤️🥰


My adopted baby! Please don’t disregard shelters just because you want a certain breed! Either sign up to volunteer at a shelter (you’ll get the inside scoop on the dogs/cats) or visit the shelter every day or every other day. There are always so many different breeds, some just get scooped up quicker than others!


My precious boy!!! We actually adopted him throigh Facebook from Romania - if your shelter doesn’t have the breed you want, there are so many other places to look! Follow rescue centre pages on social media and look on websites!

vixiano: thedirtythirty: wonderingifyoukneww: secretly-obsessed-with-fandoms: arylenchanted: ungratefullittleshit: msannedree: rowan-...

Bad, Cookies, and Dad: Godzilla Tag Yourself That Ain't Falco Didn't forget what you did -Best in track -Is there Grumpy Cat Butterfly I say your justice qoes too far! -Sometimes smol Good dad r you but Badderfly justice doesn't go you mock in -drives environmentally -Good Babysitter -Is on your side Einstein -Wants everyone to be friends middle school too far enough! friendly car Can count how many -Wasn't invited -Screams moth friend wants to be helpful are about fensive on one hand. -Kinda Selish -Needs to slow down Boba Fett Didn't do much Kanga-Rex Palpatine Kamacurry -Mob mentality -Always blends in -Tries st kicks uly Talks big game Itsy Bitsy -loved by all -Great at extreme sports Doeshtgive a hood Moral Support -Awesome -Kinda overrated -Only one who sees the big picture -Stunt double ary aks big Cam Might not even be real Has the laugh that gets everyone going -Secretly a toad pams twitch chat school -Makes a egg casserole Literal grime Savage even when not trying -Used to be a big deal -Don't disturb -Got big plans SPAAACE Monty Mole r but doesn't rare Is just here to raise the roof. Mecha Ghidio u but smarter -Sophisticated horoscope reader -Probably had too much coffee-Just wants to rule the world -Back by unpopular demand Little Shop of Horrors -Who are you? I'm you but less privileged -Has taken up a new leaf handlla s but thinks he could -Knows there isn't a spoon. All according to plan -Won't leave his couch fort a trench coat a pokemon Sill is hut can't kiss Is probably only good because it benefits him -ls in a bad mood and fixing to take it out on you -ls so done all the timeA Frieza Switches to vour main after beating you in smash bros -Looks up to Jason Voorhees s hetter than Knows it Lovebirds -Brings a tactical warhead on first date -cocky teens Lil Green -Awkward phase Diggersby -smoler -picks on things more e True Armadillo Facts Red Lobster Mis Ghidio the downtrodder -Good with electronics Hates spicy foods -Good guard dog -Came to attack people and is having a good time l -pure -Didn't ask for this small than him -Didn't deserve any of this -Except for that one time -Surprisingly Reliable T peo -Notorious party crasher -Easy Target ple's hero -Won't die -has regrets -Came for f T -esteem F-Type Master Splinter Titanic Tuna Is with the wrong crowd nut learned ett tt in Megatron - Has no clue what you? I'm vou Robot Chicken of JUSTICE but shinier he's doing ececut bimself in -Lonely piggyback rides -Communicates -Doesn't know why he's here but is happy to help is head -Goodenforcer Hator mat woodshop Edgemeister anybody's way mbs ups Has the best pokerface-Will conquer the worldSneaks by auoting fortune cookies List of skills include bi best breaking things sily influenced Has 50 different Will wreck you in karaoke -Is there for you -Never not smiling -Good cop in to ways to kill you -big bro friend his tunes Fullmetal Kirby Flygon Grouchy Kitty -Who are you? not you, Who are you? I'm you but aping-Who are you? I'm a bug Who are you? The terminator have promising future Still voung at heart" -I don't have that. I need it.-Listens to Three Days Grace on full blast Still does? The queen imlot of crap for Insecure -Intentionally has dog poop your lawn Came to ruin everything Now brute forces everything -It's mine now eating habits -Identity crisis -Most expressive -ls a black belt Mayhe redeemable -Just wants to go on a family picnic .Drinks tears -killed a man plays a golden fiddle -beloved scum andrewtheamericandude: Some of these are stupid jokes that even I don’t get 
Bad, Cookies, and Dad: Godzilla Tag Yourself
 That Ain't Falco
 Didn't forget what you did -Best in track
 -Is there
 Grumpy Cat
 Butterfly
 I say your justice qoes too far!
 -Sometimes smol
 Good dad
 r you but
 Badderfly
 justice doesn't go
 you mock in
 -drives environmentally
 -Good Babysitter
 -Is on your side Einstein -Wants everyone to be friends
 middle school
 too far enough!
 friendly car
 Can count how many
 -Wasn't invited
 -Screams
 moth friend
 wants to be helpful
 are about
 fensive
 on one hand.
 -Kinda Selish
 -Needs to slow down
 Boba Fett
 Didn't do much
 Kanga-Rex
 Palpatine
 Kamacurry
 -Mob mentality
 -Always blends in
 -Tries
 st kicks
 uly
 Talks big game
 Itsy Bitsy
 -loved by all
 -Great at extreme sports Doeshtgive a hood
 Moral Support
 -Awesome
 -Kinda overrated
 -Only one who sees the
 big picture
 -Stunt double
 ary
 aks big Cam
 Might not even be real
 Has the laugh that
 gets everyone going
 -Secretly a toad
 pams twitch chat
 school
 -Makes a
 egg casserole
 Literal grime
 Savage even when
 not trying
 -Used to be a big deal
 -Don't disturb
 -Got big plans
 SPAAACE
 Monty Mole
 r but doesn't rare
 Is just here to raise the roof.
 Mecha Ghidio
 u but smarter
 -Sophisticated horoscope reader
 -Probably had too much coffee-Just wants to rule the world
 -Back by unpopular demand
 Little Shop of Horrors
 -Who are you? I'm you but
 less privileged
 -Has taken up a new leaf
 handlla s but thinks he could
 -Knows there isn't a spoon.
 All according to plan
 -Won't leave his couch fort
 a trench coat
 a pokemon
 Sill is hut can't kiss
 Is probably only good because it
 benefits him
 -ls in a bad mood and fixing
 to take it out on you
 -ls so done all the timeA
 Frieza
 Switches to vour main after
 beating you in smash bros
 -Looks up to Jason Voorhees
 s hetter than
 Knows it
 Lovebirds
 -Brings a tactical warhead on first date
 -cocky teens
 Lil Green
 -Awkward phase
 Diggersby
 -smoler
 -picks on things more
 e
 True Armadillo Facts
 Red Lobster
 Mis
 Ghidio
 the
 downtrodder
 -Good with electronics Hates spicy foods
 -Good guard dog
 -Came to attack people and is having a good time
 l
 -pure
 -Didn't ask for this
 small than him
 -Didn't deserve any of this
 -Except for that one time
 -Surprisingly Reliable
 T peo
 -Notorious party crasher
 -Easy Target
 ple's hero
 -Won't die
 -has regrets
 -Came for f
 T -esteem
 F-Type
 Master Splinter
 Titanic Tuna
 Is with the wrong crowd nut learned
 ett tt in
 Megatron
 - Has no clue what
 you? I'm vou
 Robot Chicken
 of JUSTICE
 but shinier
 he's doing
 ececut bimself in
 -Lonely
 piggyback rides
 -Communicates
 -Doesn't know why he's here
 but is happy to help
 is head
 -Goodenforcer
 Hator mat
 woodshop
 Edgemeister
 anybody's way
 mbs ups Has the best pokerface-Will conquer the worldSneaks by auoting fortune cookies
 List of skills include
 bi best
 breaking things
 sily influenced
 Has 50 different
 Will wreck you in karaoke
 -Is there for you
 -Never not smiling
 -Good cop
 in to
 ways to kill you
 -big bro friend
 his tunes
 Fullmetal
 Kirby
 Flygon
 Grouchy Kitty
 -Who are you?
 not you,
 Who are you? I'm you but aping-Who are you? I'm a bug
 Who are you? The terminator
 have promising future
 Still voung at heart"
 -I don't have that. I need it.-Listens to Three Days Grace
 on full blast
 Still does?
 The queen
 imlot of crap for Insecure
 -Intentionally has dog poop
 your lawn
 Came to ruin everything
 Now brute forces everything
 -It's mine now
 eating habits
 -Identity crisis
 -Most expressive
 -ls a black belt
 Mayhe redeemable
 -Just wants to go on a family picnic
 .Drinks tears
 -killed a man
 plays a golden fiddle
 -beloved scum
andrewtheamericandude:

Some of these are stupid jokes that even I don’t get 

andrewtheamericandude: Some of these are stupid jokes that even I don’t get