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Funny, My House, and House: Found this funny looking reindeer in my house...
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Funny, My House, and House: Found this funny looking reindeer in my house...

Found this funny looking reindeer in my house...

Memes, News, and Image: Mads Nordsveen/Caters News) A Norwegian photographer captured the image of a lifetime when he came face-to-face with a rare white reindeer while hiking.
Memes, News, and Image: Mads Nordsveen/Caters News)
A Norwegian photographer captured the image of a lifetime when he came face-to-face with a rare white reindeer while hiking.

A Norwegian photographer captured the image of a lifetime when he came face-to-face with a rare white reindeer while hiking.

Being Alone, Animals, and Dogs: HOW TO SWEAR AROUND THE WORLD VAFFANCULO CASSE-TOI! YUMAGO! BY JASON SACHER ILLUSTRATIONS BY TOBY TRIUMPH Perha human being, there happily copulates with animals in her and mean-spirited picture uld truly be reserved for moments of extreme anger. take kindly to the mental images that the phrases e the most obvious globally sho We as a species do not t below conjure. As you can imagine, insulting animal of choice to p have fun throwing a few more culturally specific ani consider the bears in Bulgaria, and reindeer (of c dogs ar air with a mother, but certain cultures imals in there BULGARIAN Mayka ti duha na mechki v gorata Your performs o performs oral sex upon bears in the forest." DUTCH Zoon van een hoerige kameel! Son of a camel whore!" With this insult, it's unclear whether one is saying the mother in question was a camel that was also a prostitute or a prostitute wh serviced camels. FINNISH Äitisi nai poroja! Your mother copulates with reindeer!" AOTIAN Ma see mea mung! Your mother enjoys keeping intimate company with dogs!" HOW TO SWEAR AROUND THE WORLD THE MOTHERLOD Fuck off uzendayo うぜーんだよ。 Motherfucker. kisama 貴様。 Asshole teme てめぇー。 Leave me the fuck alone. shitsukėndayo しつけ-んだよ。 I hate you. daikirai 大嫌い。 Ded na What did you just say!?! nandatö なんだと !?! Get out of my way. doke どけ。 Go to hell. shine 死ね。 Eat shit. kusokurae くそくらえ。 Shut the fuck up. ussendayo うっせ-んだよ。 What the fuck? ahoka アホか?! You're worthless. tsukaenė yatsu dana つかえねーやつだな。 eacefu ng. Just ent. My uS with a de. novelty-gift-ideas: How to Swear Around the World
Being Alone, Animals, and Dogs: HOW TO
 SWEAR
 AROUND
 THE WORLD
 VAFFANCULO
 CASSE-TOI!
 YUMAGO!
 BY JASON SACHER
 ILLUSTRATIONS BY TOBY TRIUMPH

 Perha
 human being, there
 happily copulates with animals in her
 and mean-spirited picture
 uld truly be reserved for moments of extreme anger.
 take kindly to the mental images that the phrases
 e the most obvious globally
 sho
 We as a species do not t
 below conjure. As you can imagine,
 insulting animal of choice to p
 have fun throwing a few more culturally specific ani
 consider the bears in Bulgaria, and reindeer (of c
 dogs ar
 air with a mother, but certain cultures
 imals in there
 BULGARIAN
 Mayka ti duha na mechki v gorata
 Your performs o
 performs oral sex upon bears in the forest."
 DUTCH
 Zoon van een hoerige kameel!
 Son of a camel whore!"
 With this insult, it's unclear whether one is saying the mother in
 question was a camel that was also a prostitute or a prostitute wh
 serviced camels.
 FINNISH
 Äitisi nai poroja!
 Your mother copulates with reindeer!"
 AOTIAN
 Ma see mea mung!
 Your mother enjoys keeping intimate company with dogs!"
 HOW TO SWEAR AROUND THE WORLD
 THE MOTHERLOD

 Fuck off
 uzendayo
 うぜーんだよ。
 Motherfucker.
 kisama
 貴様。
 Asshole
 teme
 てめぇー。
 Leave me the fuck alone.
 shitsukėndayo
 しつけ-んだよ。
 I hate you.
 daikirai
 大嫌い。
 Ded
 na
 What did you just say!?!
 nandatö
 なんだと
 !?!
 Get out of my way.
 doke
 どけ。
 Go to hell.
 shine
 死ね。
 Eat shit.
 kusokurae
 くそくらえ。
 Shut the fuck up.
 ussendayo
 うっせ-んだよ。
 What the fuck?
 ahoka
 アホか?!
 You're worthless.
 tsukaenė yatsu dana
 つかえねーやつだな。
 eacefu
 ng.
 Just
 ent.
 My
 uS
 with a
 de.
novelty-gift-ideas:

How to Swear Around the World

novelty-gift-ideas: How to Swear Around the World

Children, Drinking, and Drugs: ugly-sugar-fruit siniristiriita Shit my chemistry teacher has said in class, vol, 2 1. "Could you use heart medicine as explosives? Technically, yes." 2. "In theory, the concept that all of you exist is possible. 3. "56 children were born with no arms in France. That is a bit excessive" 4. "Here's an intestine, here's pancreas, over there is a liver and here is a danish pastry" 5. [A lecture on different methods in which bridges were constructed to be blown up during WW1 and wW2] 6. "It's unfortunate if you get an entire ham in your lung." 7. "The good thing about aether is that you don't die." 8. "Let's pick something else that's tasty. Like amphetamine here." 9. "If I tell you that carbon has three bonds, that doesn't mean carbon has three bonds." 10. "There's a french way, german way, american way and russian way. What do we use in Finland then? Depends on who's invading." 11. "The nitrogen makes this one straight." 12. [Walks to the students' side of the classroom] "Hm. Yes. The time does 13. [Lectures on why getting scurvy has made European invaders genocidal 14. "That would be a fun prank: Murder someone by sneaking 20 kilos of 15. [A long explanation of how the introduction of alcohol was an 16. [The story of how the density shifts of water and alcohol led to many 17. "Back then they didn't have any good drugs, so they had to settle for flow slower on this side." on several occasions.] coffee grounds into someone's breakfast porridge. improvement in comparison to drinking psychedelic reindeer urine] murders in the prohibition era moonshine business] aether. A few exploding serfs here and there." teaching them they're second in power from gods. Trust me, they tried." 18. "Nothing good will will come from giving vour children lead poisoning and 19. "My father was born in 1918, so he was 18 in 1936, which was inconvenient at the time." [Our teacher, inexplicably, looks roughly 40-45 and has at least one daughter in her 30s. Nobody fucking knows how old he is, exactly.] Vol. 1 here Source: siniristiriita 50 notes Repost
Children, Drinking, and Drugs: ugly-sugar-fruit
 siniristiriita
 Shit my chemistry teacher has
 said in class, vol, 2
 1. "Could you use heart medicine as explosives? Technically, yes."
 2. "In theory, the concept that all of you exist is possible.
 3. "56 children were born with no arms in France. That is a bit excessive"
 4. "Here's an intestine, here's pancreas, over there is a liver and here is a
 danish pastry"
 5. [A lecture on different methods in which bridges were constructed to be
 blown up during WW1 and wW2]
 6. "It's unfortunate if you get an entire ham in your lung."
 7. "The good thing about aether is that you don't die."
 8. "Let's pick something else that's tasty. Like amphetamine here."
 9. "If I tell you that carbon has three bonds, that doesn't mean carbon has
 three bonds."
 10. "There's a french way, german way, american way and russian way. What
 do we use in Finland then? Depends on who's invading."
 11. "The nitrogen makes this one straight."
 12. [Walks to the students' side of the classroom] "Hm. Yes. The time does
 13. [Lectures on why getting scurvy has made European invaders genocidal
 14. "That would be a fun prank: Murder someone by sneaking 20 kilos of
 15. [A long explanation of how the introduction of alcohol was an
 16. [The story of how the density shifts of water and alcohol led to many
 17. "Back then they didn't have any good drugs, so they had to settle for
 flow slower on this side."
 on several occasions.]
 coffee grounds into someone's breakfast porridge.
 improvement in comparison to drinking psychedelic reindeer urine]
 murders in the prohibition era moonshine business]
 aether. A few exploding serfs here and there."
 teaching them they're second in power from gods. Trust me, they tried."
 18. "Nothing good will will come from giving vour children lead poisoning and
 19. "My father was born in 1918, so he was 18 in 1936, which was
 inconvenient at the time." [Our teacher, inexplicably, looks roughly 40-45
 and has at least one daughter in her 30s. Nobody fucking knows how old
 he is, exactly.]
 Vol. 1 here
 Source: siniristiriita
 50 notes
Repost

Repost

Facebook, Memes, and News: Newfoundland, Canada FOX NEWS channel Video showing a herd of caribou casually strolling down a snowy road in Canada have Facebook users joking that Santa’s reindeer have fled town.
Facebook, Memes, and News: Newfoundland, Canada
 FOX
 NEWS
 channel
Video showing a herd of caribou casually strolling down a snowy road in Canada have Facebook users joking that Santa’s reindeer have fled town.

Video showing a herd of caribou casually strolling down a snowy road in Canada have Facebook users joking that Santa’s reindeer have fled to...

Children, Drinking, and Drugs: ugly-sugar-fruit siniristiriita Shit my chemistry teacher has said in class, vol. 2 1 "Could you use heart medicine as explosives? Technically, yes." 2. "In theory, the concept that all of you exist is possible 3. "56 children were born with no arms in France. That is a bit excessive." 4. "Here's an intestine, here's pancreas, over there is a liver and here is a danish pastry" 5. [A lecture on different methods in which bridges were constructed to be blown up during WW1 and WW2 6. "It's unfortunate if you get an entire ham in your lung." 7. "The good thing about aether is that you don't die. 8. "Let's pick something else that's tasty. Like amphetamine here." 9. "If i tell you that carbon has three bonds, that doesn't mean carbon has three bonds." 10. There's a french way, german way, american way and russian way. What do we use in Finland then? Depends on who's invading." 11. "The nitrogen makes this one straight." 12. [Walks to the students' side of the classroom] "Hm. Yes. The time does 13. [Lectures on why getting scurvy has made European invaders genocidal 14. That would be a fun prank: Murder someone by sneaking 20 kilos of 15. [A long explanation of how the introduction of alcohol was an 16. [The story of how the density shifts of water and alcohol led to many 17. "Back then they didn't have any good drugs, so they had to settle for 18. "Nothing good will will come from giving your children lead poisoning and 19. "My father was born in 1918, so he was 18 in 1936, which was flow slower on this side." on several occasions.] coffee grounds into someone's breakfast porridge." improvement in comparison to drinking psychedelic reindeer urine] murders in the prohibition era moonshine business] aether. A few exploding serfs here and there teaching them they re second in power from gods. Trust me, they tried." inconvenient at the time." [Our teacher, inexplicably, looks roughly 40-45 and has at least one daughter in her 30s. Nobody fucking knows how old he is, exactly.] Vol. 1 here Source: siniristiriita 50 notes Chemistry Class
Children, Drinking, and Drugs: ugly-sugar-fruit
 siniristiriita
 Shit my chemistry teacher has
 said in class, vol. 2
 1 "Could you use heart medicine as explosives? Technically, yes."
 2. "In theory, the concept that all of you exist is possible
 3. "56 children were born with no arms in France. That is a bit excessive."
 4. "Here's an intestine, here's pancreas, over there is a liver and here is a
 danish pastry"
 5. [A lecture on different methods in which bridges were constructed to be
 blown up during WW1 and WW2
 6. "It's unfortunate if you get an entire ham in your lung."
 7. "The good thing about aether is that you don't die.
 8. "Let's pick something else that's tasty. Like amphetamine here."
 9. "If i tell you that carbon has three bonds, that doesn't mean carbon has
 three bonds."
 10. There's a french way, german way, american way and russian way. What
 do we use in Finland then? Depends on who's invading."
 11. "The nitrogen makes this one straight."
 12. [Walks to the students' side of the classroom] "Hm. Yes. The time does
 13. [Lectures on why getting scurvy has made European invaders genocidal
 14. That would be a fun prank: Murder someone by sneaking 20 kilos of
 15. [A long explanation of how the introduction of alcohol was an
 16. [The story of how the density shifts of water and alcohol led to many
 17. "Back then they didn't have any good drugs, so they had to settle for
 18. "Nothing good will will come from giving your children lead poisoning and
 19. "My father was born in 1918, so he was 18 in 1936, which was
 flow slower on this side."
 on several occasions.]
 coffee grounds into someone's breakfast porridge."
 improvement in comparison to drinking psychedelic reindeer urine]
 murders in the prohibition era moonshine business]
 aether. A few exploding serfs here and there
 teaching them they re second in power from gods. Trust me, they tried."
 inconvenient at the time." [Our teacher, inexplicably, looks roughly 40-45
 and has at least one daughter in her 30s. Nobody fucking knows how old
 he is, exactly.]
 Vol. 1 here
 Source: siniristiriita
 50 notes
Chemistry Class

Chemistry Class

4chan, Confused, and Disney: Women often complain that they are not represented at the tops of highly challenging fields such 39:16/1:01:50 The Truth About Frozen Stefan Molyneux Subscribe 183,805 1,615569 170,912 Like About Share Add to Published on Jun 4, 2014 Stefan Molyneux unpacks the truth behind the Walt Disney animated movie Frozen. The film tells the story of a princess who sets off on an epic journey alongside a rugged mountain man, his loyal pet reindeer, and a hapless snowman to find her estranged sister, whose icy powers have inadvertently trapped the kingdom Show more Top comments Stefan Molyneux via Google+ 1 month ago I love this. You totally kinda ruined frozen for me but i really enjoyed this a lot more than the actual movie. And you really got me thinking about a lot. Being an attractive young woman, I understand what is like to be seen as nothing more than a sex doll. I also know what it is like to use that to my "advantage" to "get over" the system. HELL I even know what it is to suffer mental illness, only to be told bu my parents to ignore it. HOWEVER, despite all of this I feel like I have learned more lessons from everything that has happened in my life. Thank you so much for posting this. Honestly I want to make a difference in the world, and I looked to people like you to sort of guide me in the right direction. THANKS SO MUCH Show less Reply 981 Hide replies NewChannelsFTL 1 month ago Did you really just pretend to be a girl in your own comments section? This is beyond hysterical Reply 70 Charmy Char 1 month ago I'm confused... did Stef repost this from a private comment or something? Reply 23 Megahypercat 1 month ago No stef you are a man. Sorry. I think he finally cracked! Reply 33 Jonathan Latkowcer 1 month ago Oh my God. Did you actually try to post a fake comment pretending to a be a woman who likes your work? You're beyond pathetic, Molyneux Reply 30 misandry-mermaid: gayobamafanfiction: blorgblorgblorg: maxofs2d: Hahaha “Men’s Rights” activist and self-proclaimed philosopher Stefan Molyneux pretends to be a woman posting a positive comment on his own video “debunking” Frozen but completely fails at account switching amazing Men do things like this a lot I never want to stop thinking about this.
4chan, Confused, and Disney: Women often complain that they are not represented
 at the tops of highly challenging fields such
 39:16/1:01:50
 The Truth About Frozen
 Stefan Molyneux
 Subscribe
 183,805
 1,615569
 170,912
 Like
 About
 Share
 Add to
 Published on Jun 4, 2014
 Stefan Molyneux unpacks the truth behind the Walt Disney
 animated movie Frozen. The film tells the story of a princess who
 sets off on an epic journey alongside a rugged mountain man, his
 loyal pet reindeer, and a hapless snowman to find her estranged
 sister, whose icy powers have inadvertently trapped the kingdom
 Show more

 Top comments
 Stefan Molyneux via Google+ 1 month ago
 I love this. You totally kinda ruined frozen for me but i really enjoyed this a lot more than
 the actual movie. And you really got me thinking about a lot. Being an attractive young
 woman, I understand what is like to be seen as nothing more than a sex doll. I also know
 what it is like to use that to my "advantage" to "get over" the system. HELL I even know
 what it is to suffer mental illness, only to be told bu my parents to ignore it. HOWEVER,
 despite all of this I feel like I have learned more lessons from everything that has
 happened in my life. Thank you so much for posting this. Honestly I want to make a
 difference in the world, and I looked to people like you to sort of guide me in the right
 direction. THANKS SO MUCH
 Show less
 Reply 981
 Hide replies
 NewChannelsFTL 1 month ago
 Did you really just pretend to be a girl in your own comments section? This is
 beyond hysterical
 Reply 70
 Charmy Char 1 month ago
 I'm confused... did Stef repost this from a private comment or something?
 Reply 23
 Megahypercat 1 month ago
 No stef you are a man. Sorry. I think he finally cracked!
 Reply 33
 Jonathan Latkowcer 1 month ago
 Oh my God. Did you actually try to post a fake comment pretending to a be a
 woman who likes your work? You're beyond pathetic, Molyneux
 Reply 30
misandry-mermaid:


gayobamafanfiction:

blorgblorgblorg:

maxofs2d:

Hahaha
“Men’s Rights” activist and self-proclaimed philosopher Stefan Molyneux pretends to be a woman posting a positive comment on his own video “debunking” Frozen but completely fails at account switching

amazing

Men do things like this a lot

I never want to stop thinking about this.

misandry-mermaid: gayobamafanfiction: blorgblorgblorg: maxofs2d: Hahaha “Men’s Rights” activist and self-proclaimed philosopher Stefan ...

Apparently, Ass, and Bad: bibliotecaria-d: ebonykain: karacat: othersideofforty: erinnightwalker: ripped-up-jeans-and-glitter: erinnightwalker: acaffeinejunkie: erinnightwalker: erinnightwalker: geostatonary: sixpenceee: “A house I pass on the way to work has this sculpture in its yard. Its about 8 feet tall.” (Source) “HELLO NEIGHBOR STEVE, I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU TO BARBEQUE ON THE EVE OF THE BLOOD MOON.  I FEEL WE GOT OFF TO A BAD START.” “NEIGHBOR STEVE, DO YOU NOT WISH TO PARTAKE OF THE UNCLEAN FLESH-MEATS OF PIGS AND THE POLLUTED ESSENCES OF TOMATO?  PERHAPS YOU ARE A CAROLINA STYLE MAN, NEIGHBOR STEVE?” “PUT THE GUN AWAY NEIGHBOR STEVE, YOU KNOW I SHALL ONLY RISE AGAIN WITH THE DAWNING OF THE MOON.  WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS MANY TIMES.” “LOOK AT THIS PICTURE MY SON DREW OF YOU AND CHILD TIMMY, YOUR SON.  ARE THEY NOT THE PICTURE OF PACT-MATES?  THIS COULD BE YOU AND ME, NEIGHBOR STEVE.” “YOU MISSED THE UNHOLY NEXUS OF POWER THAT IS THE KEY TO MY CORPOREAL FORM, NEIGHBOR STEVE.  YOU WILL NEED TO RELOAD NOW, SO I WILL GO INSIDE TO MY HELL-WIFE AND PUT YOU DOWN AS A SOLID ‘MAYBE’.“ I have the feeling that the families get along great except for Steve. Like, the wives are baking (questionable) brownies together, the kids are playing together, Antler Guy occasionally takes Son and Timmy to school (no car, just carries them in huge swinging strides through a nexus of ungoldly sights in a swirling netherworld shortcut. Sometimes they stop for McDonalds). Hell-wife gave them a potted Audrey Jr., Steve’s wife (who I now christen Sharon) gave them a begonia. One time Steve tries throwing holy water but all Antler Guy does is thank him, saying that no, Antler Guy isn’t Catholic but it’s the thought that counts, he is so kind to water his creeping deathshade vines regardless. For Christmas Antler Guy gives Steve a case of ammunition. To be funny/sarcastically mean Steve gets Antler Guy the world’s most hideous Christmas sweater, singing light-up reindeer included. He immediately regrets it because not only does Antler Guy love it and wears it for several months, it will never need batteries because Antler Guy powers it with his own eldritch aura. When they come back from a holiday to Hawaii, Steve is horrified to find out Sharon bought them matching Hawaiian shirts. He is even more horrified that his wife means it that if he doesn’t wear it he will forever sleep on the couch. I want to expand on this, since I see it’s still passing around and the ideas have grown in my brainmeats. What drives Steve up the wall and down the other side is how… normal… everyone treats the Abominations. (Yes, that is their last name. No, it is not a joke. Son was asked his last name for the standardized testing at school, had a quick conference with Timmy, and decided that Son Abomination sounded good, “Since my dad calls your dad the Abomination anyway and we can paint it on your mailbox just like the Henderson’s did theirs!”. Antler Guy agreed and did a lovely rendition of it for the mailbox, with only a few glyphs of soul-rending terror added to keep up to snuff.) The Great Plant Exchange went beautifully, though the Audrey Jr. (named Aubergine for the lovely shade of purple poison that drips from her fangs) is on a diet at the moment. She was in cahoots with the cat and the dog to get into the good people food and ate two frozen turkeys all herself. Now she’s restricted to the hallway table to answer the phone and the door. (Steve actually likes her, and keeps slipping her hotdogs when Sharon isn’t looking. Their door-to-door salesman rates have dropped dramatically since she changed abodes.) Hell-wife has almost gotten the begonia to bloom and say it’s first words. The homeowner’s association just loves the Abominations. All paperwork stamped and dotted, in on time and in triplicate. Antler Guy likes filing, says it reminds him of his old job. There is a resident who spent 20 years as a lawyer and they have long, animated conversations about all sorts of things that make Steve swear to never need legal counsel. Hell-wife joined the PTA and spearheaded a committee to fundraise in the fall with a haunted house. It was a county-wide hit, though the claims that a particularly rowdy group had been deliberately lost in a timeslip to the Outer Doors Of Chaos was firmly rebuffed. Most young people nowadays, it was agreed, just couldn’t appreciate flute music. Antler Guy really does try to connect with Steve. The surprise birthday party was perhaps a bit much, given that most participants do not have the ability to suddenly materialize in front of the guest of honor to give them a hug. Sharon assured them that Steve normally screams on his birthday, and the remains of the cake were heartily enjoyed by all. (A plate was saved for Steve once he came down from the treehouse.) After the Hawaii trip (which was a present for his birthday) and the Matching Shirt Ultimatum (which was Sharon’s attempt at patching things up with Antler Guy, he really was sad about the birthday screaming), Steve finally grabs his courage in both hands (plus the shotgun, which let’s face it is about as useful as a teddybear at the moment but it does comfort him) and confronts Antler Guy, about why such a group of……Abominations could possibly come to his quiet slice of suburban bliss. “……BUT NEIGHBOR STEVE, WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE.” “No no no, I read it in a book! Don’t you have to be invited or something?!” “WELL YES, TO THE HUMAN WORLD. BUT THIS IS NOT THE HUMAN WORLD AS YOUR THREE-DIMENSIONAL BRAIN PERCEIVES IT.” “What the hell does that mean?!!” “DID YOU NOT KNOW, NEIGHBOR STEVE? LEGALLY SPEAKING, ALL OF THE VASTNESS OF HUMAN SUBURBIA IS, IN FACT, A PART OF HELL.” “……..” “THE FLAMINGOES ARE THE BOUNDARY MARKERS. IT WAS DECIDED THAT THE FLAMING SKULLS WERE TOO KITSCHY FOR MODERN TIMES.” Reblogging cause I kind of want more of this…. Since you asked nicely ^_^ Antler Guy, as one may have noticed, is a calm sort of fellow. In the face of human atrocities he displays a curious Zen sort of state of mind. Timmy asks Son if he’d ever seen his dad angry, and Son hasn’t. (When asked, Timmy says that yeah his dad gets mad, but it’s like the Fitz-Simmon’s chihuahua down the street- mostly high-pitched noise and occasionally TV remote chewing. Sharon replaces the poor thing every 3 months or so.) When pressed (gently, at the monthly book club, and with many cups of tea and at least one daiquiri), Hellwife admits that this comes from serving many years at his old job. After the revelation of the nature of his neighborhood, Steve has not been overtly mean to Antler Guy. Not yet in the realm of friends, but vastly better than before. No more holy water, no more shotgun blasts. (Still the occasional jumpscare, but Antler Guy really can’t help that part.) They even occasionally share news over the fence as Antler Guy trains the creeping deathshade vines in proper oral hygiene, and Steve waters his lawn (and occasionally slips a goldfish cracker to a deathshade vine that looks particularly adorable. Aubergine has trained him well.) Which is how Antler Guy learns about the peeping tom that’s been plaguing the adjacent streets. Apparently the pervert has been getting bolder, and rattling doors. He almost broke into one apartment, whose occupants were a single mother and her daughter, Mildred. Millie, a shy girl who is a great horror fan and firm friends with Timmy and Son, had missed school because of it. Steve knew because Sharon had told him, on her way to deliver a tuna casserole and a double batch of brownies to the pair. (Sharon has been dubbed the unoffical mob boss of the Mother’s Mafia. She is quite pleased with this title.) He tells her to wait, confers briefly with Aubergine, and sends her along with, “Only as a loan, you know, but Auby wants to stretch her roots and she’d probably like getting all ribboned and curled anyway. Little girls still do that, right?” She has strict orders to bite anyone that makes Millie or her mother cry. (Steve is dubbed the official neighborhood marshmallow for this. The bookclub buys him a jar of marshmallow fluff in commemoration.) He turns to look at Antler Guy, and freezes, much as a chihuahua will when faced with a hungry hellhound. “You….you alright there buddy?” “Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “ “Uh, yeah, I guess not. Did you, uh, know you’re kinda fuzzing at the edges, there?” “Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “ “Right. Um. Well.” Steven makes a very ungraceful exit when space starts bending around Antler Guy’s still, unmoving form. When Steve sees a shadowy form in his back yard when he gets up to pee that night, there’s no hesitation. He grabs the shotgun from the cabinet and peeks out the back door window. Just in time to see a nebulous form of soul-wrenching terror engulf the man reaching for the door handle. A sliver of moonlight reveals a very familiar eyesocket. After a moment (and a sincere prayer of thanks that he had already peed, cause otherwise he’d have done it then and there) Steve opens the door. The nebulous form freezes, reality bending around the edges. “Nice night for it, huh?” “…..Y̮̮͍͔͇͙͙̟̐͌͛̓̏͞͡Eͩͭͮ̓̍ͯ̀ͧ͏̵̴̛̺̠̱͕̕ͅS͈̹̮̟̳̪̩̘͍̤̲̻͈̱̳̽̋́ͩ̃͋̎ͩ̈͆̀͘͢͢͟ͅ.̧̢͈̭̝̥̦͚͍̇ͫ̃̓͆̿̇ͪ͊ͧ̃͛͌͜͢ “ “Guy won’t scare anymore litttle girls, will he?” “Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “ “Good. G’night then. Oh, and if Hellwife has an extra Audrey Jr. that needs a home, let me know. Millie likes Aubergine a lot but Augy’s just too big for the apartment. Dunno if they come in miniatures though.” “ I̴̛̟̭͉̮̜̩̬̮̣̘̰͚̩͙̟̳͔̜̙͑̂̆̆͗͒̀ ͖̖̰͉̥͖͔̙̤̺͍̳͈̹͙̣̞̇̇ͤ͒̅̈́͆̽ͧ́̚̚̕͘W̶̶̱͈̞͖̼̟̣̮̌͂͒̈́͑͌͒͋̍ͮ͗̈ͣ̓ͤ͘͟I̴̶̞̥̩͇̔ͩͦ̇̉̾ͣͬ̀̀̒͒ͧ͛͌͛͆̚͘͢ͅͅL̠̟͕̠̟̪̰̻ͯ͂͊ͥ̍̏͋̐ͬ̉̆̈̀͠L̸̞̭͔̮ͦ͑̉ͮͩ́ͬͨͣ͘͜.̴͈͎̮͇͓͖̱̻̣͊͊ͤͩ͊̑͗͞ ̸̡̩̖̞̩̻̩̪̭͙̳͚͇̟̺͖̑͊ͫ̀͆ͨ̉̔̓̂̓̋T̷̷̟͉̟̻̻̪̞̰̯̻͈̣̰̬̻̾͐́ͭ̓̅́͡H͇̬̪̩̬̝̣͍͈͇ͯ͛̏͌ͮͧͭͦ͟͜A̴̴̤͕͈̤̮̞̱̯͔͕̙͔͖̰̬̰͈̠ͥ̏ͥ̍̽ͧ̀͝N͗̓͋̃̈̑̀̅ͣ̽̒̂̄ͯͩͤ͏̢͢͏͈̯͎̪͇̟̠͔̯͓͓̰̠̱̠̳͕̳͝K̢̓ͧ͛͛ͣ̄̓̓ͯ̍̈̈́̌͂̔͟҉̛̘̥̖̤̦̻̳͙͟ ̢̢̻̥̹̣̞͉̘͇͚͍̖̯̘͚͔̗̩͓͐ͮ͂͂̀̚͘͠Y̜̞͇̳̗̬͎̰̙̜̩̪͎̞̙̠̔͂̌̃́̀O͇̺̲͙͍̬̳̘͈̱̜̝͔̖̊ͥ̿ͫͤͫͫͩ͋̓̃ͦ̈̄͢͟Ū̢͖̲̦̠̤͎̙͉̦͖̖͓͍̺̺ͪͯ͐͆͆ͭͯ͗ͦ̄̅̌̈̃̾ͭ̋ͧ͢͢͠͡.̶̸̞͓̞̹̗̻̣͈͕̠̬̦ͫ̆ͤͬͨͦ͒͂ͨ̿ͩͪ͘͞.ͧ͛̒̂̂͗ͨ̌͆ͥͭ͒̉͘͜͏̙͖̰̝̙̲͓̙͕͍̥̳̩́͠.̶̷̮͎̱̼̬͖̰͎͚͙̥̓͋͋ͦ̓̓ͯ͆͛̏ͫ̅ͯ.̨̧̙̤̳̮̺̙͖̞͔̗͎͍̑̆ͮ͐ͩͦ̌̽̾̏͘͠.̹̖͕̮͕̞̰͍͚͖̌ͪ̃̐̐̌̌̅̉͑ͧͪͪͬ̓͐́͛̿͘͞ ….NEIGHBOR STEVE.” “Anytime.” There are no more peeping reports. Millie brings back Aubergine and spends an entire afternoon teaching Steve the particulars of Augy’s new “hairstyle” (a gravity-defying mass of teased tendrils, ribbons, and barrettes) in between games of tag and hide-and-seek with Timmy and Son. When Antler Guy and Hellwife present her and her mother Beatrice with a tiny Audrey Jr. (”pOOr ThinG Is a ruNT And wOn’T geT MorE Than A FooT taLL, BEa, aNd NeeDS a New FRiEnD”, assures Hellwife), both mother and child burst out crying. Millie names it Bella, after Bella Lugosi, and shows it to the excited group of boys (Steve and Augy included). IT GOT SO MUCH BETTER!!!! Life in a subdivision partly populated with eldritch and possibly magical (officially classified as “extra-dimensional”, for even when faced with the physics-defying nature of their new co-habitating citizens the government cannot bring itself to acknowledge them as “magic wielding hell-beasts”, as some high-ranking staff members initially suggested) goes on fairly normally. Sure, there are a few hiccoughs. The creeping deathshade vines get a stern talking to about appropriate afternoon snacks (”NOT the Fitz-Simmon’s chihuahua, I don’t care how much he has it coming or what he excreted where, now spit it out!”), Aubergine sheds all her leaves at once and snowballs the house (but does helps sweep up afterwards), and moonrise is a good time to watch the night-gaunts fly by (but on moondark it’s best to stay inside, no matter how prettily they glow. They’re somewhat similar to fireflies, and don’t always check to see if their partner glows as well. It wouldn’t be as much of a problem if they didn’t dive mid-coitus and drop just above the ground.) While the neighborhood in general is accepting of the Abominations, when things get to be a bit much they tend to come to Steve. Since meeting Beatrice and Millie (and the formation of the Terrifying Triad known as Millie, Son, and Timmy) Steve is the adult human male most comfortable dealing with Antler Guy on the whole street. (Sharon as U.M.B. is widely held to have, well, steel-whatever-the-hell-she-wants, and Timmy is known to run over to Antler Guy and ask for rides through “that wobbly grey place, you know, the one with the REALLY BIG alligators?”. Still, the courtesies must be observed.) So when a writhing sparking ball of snarling terror and teeth takes up residence in the Manzo’s tool-shed, and when Animal Control refuses to come (the street is banned due to a run-in with the deathshade vines), Steve is called. Having heard the description, Steve brings Antler Guy. When they get there, Mr. Manzo is forcibly holding the door shut. Unholy yowling is coming from inside. At a gesture from Antler Guy, Mr. Manzo leaps away, and the doors blast open. A 150 pound ball of whimpering, flaming something hits Steve and knocks him on his ass. The whimpering, flaming something proceeds to slobber all over Steve, his shirt, his pants, and a decent portion of grass in between distressed yelps. “GACK!” “NEIGHBOR STEVE, ARE YOU IN DISTRESS?” “GAAACKLEARGHSPLUH- DOWN boy, HEEL, that’s a good- Antler Guy, what is this?!” “I BELIEVE IT IS A HELLHOUND, NEIGHBOR STEVE.” “Good grief, I didn’t know they came this big and…..and….. Guy?” “YES NEIGHBOR STEVE?” “Is he supposed to be…..skinless?” “YES NEIGHBOR STEVE. THIS VARIETY WAS BRED TO BE LAP DOGS. THEIR FLAME IS MOSTLY WITHOUT HEAT, AND THEY HAVE NO SKIN FOR THOSE WHO ARE ALLERGIC.” “…….laPDOG?!” “YES NEIGHBOR STEVE.” Antler Guy lays a hand on the hellhound, who tries to burrow further into Steve with little success. “HE APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN RECENTLY WEANED. IT WILL TAKE TIME FOR HIM TO GROW TO HIS FULL SIZE.” “……” “THE SMALL BREEDS GROW MORE SLOWLY.” A vile hissing emanates from the shed. (Mr. Manzo has long since fled for the safety of his kitchen.) As Steve attempts to calm the frantic hell-puppy, Antler Guy investigates. He reaches one long hand in behind the riding lawnmower and….. winces. “NEIGHBOR STEVE?” “Yeah- I’m right here, uh, doggie, not going anywhere- Guy?” “I APPEAR TO HAVE AN…. ATTACHMENT.” Steve is awed at the tiny ball of white fluff attached to one long, thin finger. He didn’t know that Antler Guy’s fingers COULD be bitten, much less by a tiny kitten. Which is how Steve and Sharon got Clifford (”Aww c’mon Sharon, how could I pass that one up?”), and Antler Guy and Hellwife get Fluffy (”NEIGHBOR STEVE ASSURES ME IT IS A TRADITIONAL TITLE.”) This might be the most amazing thing that ever crossed my tumblr dash OMIGOSH I’m in love. I LOVE EVERY BIT OF THIS This is like the stoplight post. It is Tumblr legend, and I feel I must reblog it for those fortunate few who get to experience it for the first time.
Apparently, Ass, and Bad: bibliotecaria-d:
ebonykain:

karacat:

othersideofforty:

erinnightwalker:

ripped-up-jeans-and-glitter:

erinnightwalker:


acaffeinejunkie:

erinnightwalker:

erinnightwalker:

geostatonary:

sixpenceee:

“A house I pass on the way to work has this sculpture in its yard. Its about 8 feet tall.”
(Source)

“HELLO NEIGHBOR STEVE, I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU TO BARBEQUE ON THE EVE OF THE BLOOD MOON.  I FEEL WE GOT OFF TO A BAD START.”
“NEIGHBOR STEVE, DO YOU NOT WISH TO PARTAKE OF THE UNCLEAN FLESH-MEATS OF PIGS AND THE POLLUTED ESSENCES OF TOMATO?  PERHAPS YOU ARE A CAROLINA STYLE MAN, NEIGHBOR STEVE?”
 “PUT THE GUN AWAY NEIGHBOR STEVE, YOU KNOW I SHALL ONLY RISE AGAIN WITH THE DAWNING OF THE MOON.  WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS MANY TIMES.”
“LOOK AT THIS PICTURE MY SON DREW OF YOU AND CHILD TIMMY, YOUR SON.  ARE THEY NOT THE PICTURE OF PACT-MATES?  THIS COULD BE YOU AND ME, NEIGHBOR STEVE.”
“YOU MISSED THE UNHOLY NEXUS OF POWER THAT IS THE KEY TO MY CORPOREAL FORM, NEIGHBOR STEVE.  YOU WILL NEED TO RELOAD NOW, SO I WILL GO INSIDE TO MY HELL-WIFE AND PUT YOU DOWN AS A SOLID ‘MAYBE’.“

I have the feeling that the families get along great except for Steve. Like, the wives are baking (questionable) brownies together, the kids are playing together, Antler Guy occasionally takes Son and Timmy to school (no car, just carries them in huge swinging strides through a nexus of ungoldly sights in a swirling netherworld shortcut. Sometimes they stop for McDonalds). Hell-wife gave them a potted Audrey Jr., Steve’s wife (who I now christen Sharon) gave them a begonia.
One time Steve tries throwing holy water but all Antler Guy does is thank him, saying that no, Antler Guy isn’t Catholic but it’s the thought that counts, he is so kind to water his creeping deathshade vines regardless.
For Christmas Antler Guy gives Steve a case of ammunition. To be funny/sarcastically mean Steve gets Antler Guy the world’s most hideous Christmas sweater, singing light-up reindeer included. He immediately regrets it because not only does Antler Guy love it and wears it for several months, it will never need batteries because Antler Guy powers it with his own eldritch aura.
When they come back from a holiday to Hawaii, Steve is horrified to find out Sharon bought them matching Hawaiian shirts. He is even more horrified that his wife means it that if he doesn’t wear it he will forever sleep on the couch.

I want to expand on this, since I see it’s still passing around and the ideas have grown in my brainmeats.
What drives Steve up the wall and down the other side is how… normal… everyone treats the Abominations. (Yes, that is their last name. No, it is not a joke. Son was asked his last name for the standardized testing at school, had a quick conference with Timmy, and decided that Son Abomination sounded good, “Since my dad calls your dad the Abomination anyway and we can paint it on your mailbox just like the Henderson’s did theirs!”. Antler Guy agreed and did a lovely rendition of it for the mailbox, with only a few glyphs of soul-rending terror added to keep up to snuff.)
The Great Plant Exchange went beautifully, though the Audrey Jr. (named Aubergine for the lovely shade of purple poison that drips from her fangs) is on a diet at the moment. She was in cahoots with the cat and the dog to get into the good people food and ate two frozen turkeys all herself. Now she’s restricted to the hallway table to answer the phone and the door. (Steve actually likes her, and keeps slipping her hotdogs when Sharon isn’t looking. Their door-to-door salesman rates have dropped dramatically since she changed abodes.) Hell-wife has almost gotten the begonia to bloom and say it’s first words.
The homeowner’s association just loves the Abominations. All paperwork stamped and dotted, in on time and in triplicate. Antler Guy likes filing, says it reminds him of his old job. There is a resident who spent 20 years as a lawyer and they have long, animated conversations about all sorts of things that make Steve swear to never need legal counsel.
Hell-wife joined the PTA and spearheaded a committee to fundraise in the fall with a haunted house. It was a county-wide hit, though the claims that a particularly rowdy group had been deliberately lost in a timeslip to the Outer Doors Of Chaos was firmly rebuffed. Most young people nowadays, it was agreed, just couldn’t appreciate flute music.
Antler Guy really does try to connect with Steve. The surprise birthday party was perhaps a bit much, given that most participants do not have the ability to suddenly materialize in front of the guest of honor to give them a hug. Sharon assured them that Steve normally screams on his birthday, and the remains of the cake were heartily enjoyed by all. (A plate was saved for Steve once he came down from the treehouse.)
After the Hawaii trip (which was a present for his birthday) and the Matching Shirt Ultimatum (which was Sharon’s attempt at patching things up with Antler Guy, he really was sad about the birthday screaming), Steve finally grabs his courage in both hands (plus the shotgun, which let’s face it is about as useful as a teddybear at the moment but it does comfort him) and confronts Antler Guy, about why such a group of……Abominations could possibly come to his quiet slice of suburban bliss.
“……BUT NEIGHBOR STEVE, WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE.”
“No no no, I read it in a book! Don’t you have to be invited or something?!”
“WELL YES, TO THE HUMAN WORLD. BUT THIS IS NOT THE HUMAN WORLD AS YOUR THREE-DIMENSIONAL BRAIN PERCEIVES IT.”
“What the hell does that mean?!!”
“DID YOU NOT KNOW, NEIGHBOR STEVE? LEGALLY SPEAKING, ALL OF THE VASTNESS OF HUMAN SUBURBIA IS, IN FACT, A PART OF HELL.”
“……..”
“THE FLAMINGOES ARE THE BOUNDARY MARKERS. IT WAS DECIDED THAT THE FLAMING SKULLS WERE TOO KITSCHY FOR MODERN TIMES.”

Reblogging cause I kind of want more of this….


Since you asked nicely ^_^
Antler Guy, as one may have noticed, is a calm sort of fellow. In the face of human atrocities he displays a curious Zen sort of state of mind. Timmy asks Son if he’d ever seen his dad angry, and Son hasn’t. (When asked, Timmy says that yeah his dad gets mad, but it’s like the Fitz-Simmon’s chihuahua down the street- mostly high-pitched noise and occasionally TV remote chewing. Sharon replaces the poor thing every 3 months or so.) When pressed (gently, at the monthly book club, and with many cups of tea and at least one daiquiri), Hellwife admits that this comes from serving many years at his old job.
After the revelation of the nature of his neighborhood, Steve has not been overtly mean to Antler Guy. Not yet in the realm of friends, but vastly better than before. No more holy water, no more shotgun blasts. (Still the occasional jumpscare, but Antler Guy really can’t help that part.) They even occasionally share news over the fence as Antler Guy trains the creeping deathshade vines in proper oral hygiene, and Steve waters his lawn (and occasionally slips a goldfish cracker to a deathshade vine that looks particularly adorable. Aubergine has trained him well.)
Which is how Antler Guy learns about the peeping tom that’s been plaguing the adjacent streets. Apparently the pervert has been getting bolder, and rattling doors. He almost broke into one apartment, whose occupants were a single mother and her daughter, Mildred. Millie, a shy girl who is a great horror fan and firm friends with Timmy and Son, had missed school because of it.
Steve knew because Sharon had told him, on her way to deliver a tuna casserole and a double batch of brownies to the pair. (Sharon has been dubbed the unoffical mob boss of the Mother’s Mafia. She is quite pleased with this title.) He tells her to wait, confers briefly with Aubergine, and sends her along with, “Only as a loan, you know, but Auby wants to stretch her roots and she’d probably like getting all ribboned and curled anyway. Little girls still do that, right?” She has strict orders to bite anyone that makes Millie or her mother cry. (Steve is dubbed the official neighborhood marshmallow for this. The bookclub buys him a jar of marshmallow fluff in commemoration.)
He turns to look at Antler Guy, and freezes, much as a chihuahua will when faced with a hungry hellhound.
“You….you alright there buddy?”



“Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “

“Uh, yeah, I guess not. Did you, uh, know you’re kinda fuzzing at the edges, there?”



“Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “

“Right. Um. Well.” 
Steven makes a very ungraceful exit when space starts bending around Antler Guy’s still, unmoving form.
When Steve sees a shadowy form in his back yard when he gets up to pee that night, there’s no hesitation. He grabs the shotgun from the cabinet and peeks out the back door window.
Just in time to see a nebulous form of soul-wrenching terror engulf the man reaching for the door handle. A sliver of moonlight reveals a very familiar eyesocket. After a moment (and a sincere prayer of thanks that he had already peed, cause otherwise he’d have done it then and there) Steve opens the door. The nebulous form freezes, reality bending around the edges.
“Nice night for it, huh?”


“…..Y̮̮͍͔͇͙͙̟̐͌͛̓̏͞͡Eͩͭͮ̓̍ͯ̀ͧ͏̵̴̛̺̠̱͕̕ͅS͈̹̮̟̳̪̩̘͍̤̲̻͈̱̳̽̋́ͩ̃͋̎ͩ̈͆̀͘͢͢͟ͅ.̧̢͈̭̝̥̦͚͍̇ͫ̃̓͆̿̇ͪ͊ͧ̃͛͌͜͢

“

“Guy won’t scare anymore litttle girls, will he?”



“Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “

“Good. G’night then. Oh, and if Hellwife has an extra Audrey Jr. that needs a home, let me know. Millie likes Aubergine a lot but Augy’s just too big for the apartment. Dunno if they come in miniatures though.”


“
I̴̛̟̭͉̮̜̩̬̮̣̘̰͚̩͙̟̳͔̜̙͑̂̆̆͗͒̀ 
͖̖̰͉̥͖͔̙̤̺͍̳͈̹͙̣̞̇̇ͤ͒̅̈́͆̽ͧ́̚̚̕͘W̶̶̱͈̞͖̼̟̣̮̌͂͒̈́͑͌͒͋̍ͮ͗̈ͣ̓ͤ͘͟I̴̶̞̥̩͇̔ͩͦ̇̉̾ͣͬ̀̀̒͒ͧ͛͌͛͆̚͘͢ͅͅL̠̟͕̠̟̪̰̻ͯ͂͊ͥ̍̏͋̐ͬ̉̆̈̀͠L̸̞̭͔̮ͦ͑̉ͮͩ́ͬͨͣ͘͜.̴͈͎̮͇͓͖̱̻̣͊͊ͤͩ͊̑͗͞
 
̸̡̩̖̞̩̻̩̪̭͙̳͚͇̟̺͖̑͊ͫ̀͆ͨ̉̔̓̂̓̋T̷̷̟͉̟̻̻̪̞̰̯̻͈̣̰̬̻̾͐́ͭ̓̅́͡H͇̬̪̩̬̝̣͍͈͇ͯ͛̏͌ͮͧͭͦ͟͜A̴̴̤͕͈̤̮̞̱̯͔͕̙͔͖̰̬̰͈̠ͥ̏ͥ̍̽ͧ̀͝N͗̓͋̃̈̑̀̅ͣ̽̒̂̄ͯͩͤ͏̢͢͏͈̯͎̪͇̟̠͔̯͓͓̰̠̱̠̳͕̳͝K̢̓ͧ͛͛ͣ̄̓̓ͯ̍̈̈́̌͂̔͟҉̛̘̥̖̤̦̻̳͙͟
 
̢̢̻̥̹̣̞͉̘͇͚͍̖̯̘͚͔̗̩͓͐ͮ͂͂̀̚͘͠Y̜̞͇̳̗̬͎̰̙̜̩̪͎̞̙̠̔͂̌̃́̀O͇̺̲͙͍̬̳̘͈̱̜̝͔̖̊ͥ̿ͫͤͫͫͩ͋̓̃ͦ̈̄͢͟Ū̢͖̲̦̠̤͎̙͉̦͖̖͓͍̺̺ͪͯ͐͆͆ͭͯ͗ͦ̄̅̌̈̃̾ͭ̋ͧ͢͢͠͡.̶̸̞͓̞̹̗̻̣͈͕̠̬̦ͫ̆ͤͬͨͦ͒͂ͨ̿ͩͪ͘͞.ͧ͛̒̂̂͗ͨ̌͆ͥͭ͒̉͘͜͏̙͖̰̝̙̲͓̙͕͍̥̳̩́͠.̶̷̮͎̱̼̬͖̰͎͚͙̥̓͋͋ͦ̓̓ͯ͆͛̏ͫ̅ͯ.̨̧̙̤̳̮̺̙͖̞͔̗͎͍̑̆ͮ͐ͩͦ̌̽̾̏͘͠.̹̖͕̮͕̞̰͍͚͖̌ͪ̃̐̐̌̌̅̉͑ͧͪͪͬ̓͐́͛̿͘͞ ….NEIGHBOR STEVE.”

“Anytime.”
There are no more peeping reports. Millie brings back Aubergine and spends an entire afternoon teaching Steve the particulars of Augy’s new “hairstyle” (a gravity-defying mass of teased tendrils, ribbons, and barrettes) in between games of tag and hide-and-seek with Timmy and Son.
When Antler Guy and Hellwife present her and her mother Beatrice with a tiny Audrey Jr. (”pOOr ThinG Is a ruNT And wOn’T geT MorE Than A FooT taLL, BEa, aNd NeeDS a New FRiEnD”, assures Hellwife), both mother and child burst out crying. Millie names it Bella, after Bella Lugosi, and shows it to the excited group of boys (Steve and Augy included).


IT GOT SO MUCH BETTER!!!!

Life in a subdivision partly populated with eldritch and possibly magical (officially classified as “extra-dimensional”, for even when faced with the physics-defying nature of their new co-habitating citizens the government cannot bring itself to acknowledge them as “magic wielding hell-beasts”, as some high-ranking staff members initially suggested) goes on fairly normally. 
Sure, there are a few hiccoughs. The creeping deathshade vines get a stern talking to about appropriate afternoon snacks (”NOT the Fitz-Simmon’s chihuahua, I don’t care how much he has it coming or what he excreted where, now spit it out!”), Aubergine sheds all her leaves at once and snowballs the house (but does helps sweep up afterwards), and moonrise is a good time to watch the night-gaunts fly by (but on moondark it’s best to stay inside, no matter how prettily they glow. They’re somewhat similar to fireflies, and don’t always check to see if their partner glows as well. It wouldn’t be as much of a problem if they didn’t dive mid-coitus and drop just above the ground.)
While the neighborhood in general is accepting of the Abominations, when things get to be a bit much they tend to come to Steve. Since meeting Beatrice and Millie (and the formation of the Terrifying Triad known as Millie, Son, and Timmy) Steve is the adult human male most comfortable dealing with Antler Guy on the whole street. (Sharon as U.M.B. is widely held to have, well, steel-whatever-the-hell-she-wants, and Timmy is known to run over to Antler Guy and ask for rides through “that wobbly grey place, you know, the one with the REALLY BIG alligators?”. Still, the courtesies must be observed.)
So when a writhing sparking ball of snarling terror and teeth takes up residence in the Manzo’s tool-shed, and when Animal Control refuses to come (the street is banned due to a run-in with the deathshade vines), Steve is called. Having heard the description, Steve brings Antler Guy.
When they get there, Mr. Manzo is forcibly holding the door shut. Unholy yowling is coming from inside. At a gesture from Antler Guy, Mr. Manzo leaps away, and the doors blast open.
A 150 pound ball of whimpering, flaming something hits Steve and knocks him on his ass. The whimpering, flaming something proceeds to slobber all over Steve, his shirt, his pants, and a decent portion of grass in between distressed yelps.
“GACK!”
“NEIGHBOR STEVE, ARE YOU IN DISTRESS?”
“GAAACKLEARGHSPLUH- DOWN boy, HEEL, that’s a good- Antler Guy, what is this?!”
“I BELIEVE IT IS A HELLHOUND, NEIGHBOR STEVE.”
“Good grief, I didn’t know they came this big and…..and….. Guy?”
“YES NEIGHBOR STEVE?”
“Is he supposed to be…..skinless?”
“YES NEIGHBOR STEVE. THIS VARIETY WAS BRED TO BE LAP DOGS. THEIR FLAME IS MOSTLY WITHOUT HEAT, AND THEY HAVE NO SKIN FOR THOSE WHO ARE ALLERGIC.”
“…….laPDOG?!”
“YES NEIGHBOR STEVE.” Antler Guy lays a hand on the hellhound, who tries to burrow further into Steve with little success. “HE APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN RECENTLY WEANED. IT WILL TAKE TIME FOR HIM TO GROW TO HIS FULL SIZE.”
“……”
“THE SMALL BREEDS GROW MORE SLOWLY.”
A vile hissing emanates from the shed. (Mr. Manzo has long since fled for the safety of his kitchen.) As Steve attempts to calm the frantic hell-puppy, Antler Guy investigates. He reaches one long hand in behind the riding lawnmower and….. winces.
“NEIGHBOR STEVE?”
“Yeah- I’m right here, uh, doggie, not going anywhere- Guy?”
“I APPEAR TO HAVE AN…. ATTACHMENT.”
Steve is awed at the tiny ball of white fluff attached to one long, thin finger. He didn’t know that Antler Guy’s fingers COULD be bitten, much less by a tiny kitten.
Which is how Steve and Sharon got Clifford (”Aww c’mon Sharon, how could I pass that one up?”), and Antler Guy and Hellwife get Fluffy (”NEIGHBOR STEVE ASSURES ME IT IS A TRADITIONAL TITLE.”)


This might be the most amazing thing that ever crossed my tumblr dash


OMIGOSH I’m in love.


I LOVE EVERY BIT OF THIS

This is like the stoplight post. It is Tumblr legend, and I feel I must reblog it for those fortunate few who get to experience it for the first time.

bibliotecaria-d: ebonykain: karacat: othersideofforty: erinnightwalker: ripped-up-jeans-and-glitter: erinnightwalker: acaffeinejunkie...

Dating, Norway, and Viking: A Viking sword dating back over 1,000 years ago was discovered by reindeer hunters at an elevation of 5,400 feet, atop a mountain in Southern Norway.
Dating, Norway, and Viking: A Viking sword dating back over 1,000 years ago was discovered by reindeer hunters at an elevation of 5,400 feet, atop a mountain in Southern Norway.

A Viking sword dating back over 1,000 years ago was discovered by reindeer hunters at an elevation of 5,400 feet, atop a mountain in Souther...