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Puppy, Wife, and Baby: After more than five years of trying for a baby, the wife and I gave up and got a puppy (Maggie). This week, we received our miracle. Meet Harry!
Puppy, Wife, and Baby: After more than five years of trying for a baby, the wife and I gave up and got a puppy (Maggie). This week, we received our miracle. Meet Harry!

After more than five years of trying for a baby, the wife and I gave up and got a puppy (Maggie). This week, we received our miracle. Meet H...

Brains, Head, and Life: Have you ever had a job where you did nothing for years and nobody found out? Shayne Wyatt Answered Sep 22 Once worked at a steel company and there used to be this guy with a clipboard and pen who would continually be in the stock area checking labels, boxes, pallets, shipping packages. His name was Bob and everyone liked him, he was personable, was into sports, just an all round nice guy who got along with everyone staff, managers, bosses, everyone. Bob had been with the company all of 15 years by then, and you have to understand, this was a large steel mill with a couple thousand people working throughout the three mills on the same property. Anyway, at a managers meeting a decision was made to have an employee look after a certain area of finished nails, screws, nuts and bolts. They were scratching their head about who had the brains to handle it. One of the managers said, "Why not Bob?" Everyone knew right away who he was referring to and they all agreed he would probably be the best man for the job. The next question out of the manager's mouth was "Okay, which one of you guys does he work for?" And no one said a word, but looked around the table at the other managers. "C'mon, he's gotta work for someone here." The manager said, and still there was no answer. Someone piped up, "Maybe he works for one of the office managers." Long story short Bob worked at the plant for over 15 years, collecting a paycheck each and every week. For the first five years he worked in a department that became obsolete and so people were moved around to other areas of the mill, except for Bob. He got lost in the shuffle and found himself floating here and there without supervision or anyone ever paying attention to him. He waited to see if he would still get a paycheck and when that happened he thought at the time, "Well, I wonder how long I can get away with this before someone notices?" How about 10 years folks of weekly paychecks coming in without ever having had to work a day in his life. When this came out it was the talk of the whole operations and even reached the president of the company who could only laugh at the whole situation. Nonetheless Bob was let go, but HR told them they had to offer him a good severance package because he was an employee after all for the full 15 years he was there, and it was not his fault he had nothing to do. Management should have caught it in the beginning. I'm 75 now and this happened when I was still a young man, and had pretty much forgotten about it all until I read the question and I could not hold back a big silly grin about a wonderfully silly memory of Bob. Thanks for the memory Shayne
Brains, Head, and Life: Have you ever had a job
 where you did nothing for
 years and nobody found out?
 Shayne Wyatt
 Answered Sep 22
 Once worked at a steel company and there used
 to be this guy with a clipboard and pen who
 would continually be in the stock area checking
 labels, boxes, pallets, shipping packages. His
 name was Bob and everyone liked him, he was
 personable, was into sports, just an all round
 nice guy who got along with everyone staff,
 managers, bosses, everyone. Bob had been with
 the company all of 15 years by then, and you
 have to understand, this was a large steel mill
 with a couple thousand people working
 throughout the three mills on the same
 property. Anyway, at a managers meeting a
 decision was made to have an employee look
 after a certain area of finished nails, screws,
 nuts and bolts. They were scratching their head

 about who had the brains to handle it. One of
 the managers said, "Why not Bob?" Everyone
 knew right away who he was referring to and
 they all agreed he would probably be the best
 man for the job. The next question out of the
 manager's mouth was "Okay, which one of you
 guys does he work for?" And no one said a
 word, but looked around the table at the other
 managers. "C'mon, he's gotta work for someone
 here." The manager said, and still there was no
 answer. Someone piped up, "Maybe he works
 for one of the office managers." Long story
 short Bob worked at the plant for over 15 years,
 collecting a paycheck each and every week. For
 the first five years he worked in a department
 that became obsolete and so people were
 moved around to other areas of the mill, except
 for Bob. He got lost in the shuffle and found
 himself floating here and there without
 supervision or anyone ever paying attention to
 him. He waited to see if he would still get a
 paycheck and when that happened he thought
 at the time, "Well, I wonder how long I can get
 away with this before someone notices?" How

 about 10 years folks of weekly paychecks
 coming in without ever having had to work a
 day in his life. When this came out it was the
 talk of the whole operations and even reached
 the president of the company who could only
 laugh at the whole situation. Nonetheless Bob
 was let go, but HR told them they had to offer
 him a good severance package because he was
 an employee after all for the full 15 years he was
 there, and it was not his fault he had nothing to
 do. Management should have caught it in the
 beginning. I'm 75 now and this happened when
 I was still a young man, and had pretty much
 forgotten about it all until I read the question
 and I could not hold back a big silly grin about a
 wonderfully silly memory of Bob.
 Thanks for the memory
 Shayne
Alive, Beard, and Children: feniczoroark: minority-cubed: princemetalthunder: skrill-cosby: drucila616: How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral…_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. oh my god these are great fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes The last one is how I feel about all my schoolmates I can feel the frustration
Alive, Beard, and Children: feniczoroark:

minority-cubed:

princemetalthunder:

skrill-cosby:

drucila616:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral…_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

oh my god these are great

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes


The last one is how I feel about all my schoolmates

I can feel the frustration

feniczoroark: minority-cubed: princemetalthunder: skrill-cosby: drucila616: How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a...