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Ass, Fall, and Hail Mary: I almost died today. Here is the true story So Iwas derping in my backyard today, picking up dog crap. The whole time, my dog was just sitting there watching me, enjoying the sight. So I go to the small section in between my trampoline and my fence. Now if any of you haven't seen my trampoline, it is really old and there are these black foam things on the bars that used to hold up a net, but they are mostly destroyed now. So I walk in the narrow space, and I get completely covered by the hugest web I've ever felt. All over my face, all over my chest and shoulders. I freak out, but I realize that there is no worries. I see no spider, and it would have to be a big ass spider to concoct such a glorious web. Well, sure enough, in the middle of my struggle to break free, I look up, and slowly, ever so slowly, I see the huge, black-brown mass of a spider about the size of my fist crawl out of some old, decaying foam protectors. I stare at it; it stares back. I look closely for any threads connecting us, and there, glinting back at me with sunlight, is one strand of spider web, connecting the hulk spider to my face. It realizes the fact at the same time as me, and thinks, "Yes! This boy's eye sockets will make excellent breeding holes for my eggs!! and starts a full on crawling sprint towards me. I freak out, and begin to struggle even more and more to release myself from this web. It reaches the halfway mark and sees me begin to escape, so it goes for gold. The Hail Mary play. A daring leap straight for the head. Time slows down. This thing has all legs extended, blocking out the sun. A sure death for me. My left arm breaks free from the web. This could be my chance! A quick and decisive left cross reaches the spider JUST in time knocking the behemoth against the fence. It looks dazed; begins to squirm around on the ground, preparing for a counteroffensive. I don't give it a chance. I take the poop shovel in both my hands, shout a battle cry of pure victorious slaughter and smash my enemy into a crumpled pile, each strike emanating a loud crunch of the monster's body.I emerge the survivor in this battle. Thank you video games, for my improved reaction time, lest I fall victim to fate Unlike Comment Share 3 hours ago you should probably go to TheMetaPicture.com epicjohndoe: This Man Should Write A Novel
Ass, Fall, and Hail Mary: I almost died today. Here is the true story
 So Iwas derping in my backyard today, picking up dog crap. The whole
 time, my dog was just sitting there watching me, enjoying the sight. So I
 go to the small section in between my trampoline and my fence. Now if
 any of you haven't seen my trampoline, it is really old and there are
 these black foam things on the bars that used to hold up a net, but they
 are mostly destroyed now. So I walk in the narrow space, and I get
 completely covered by the hugest web I've ever felt. All over my face, all
 over my chest and shoulders. I freak out, but I realize that there is no
 worries. I see no spider, and it would have to be a big ass spider to
 concoct such a glorious web. Well, sure enough, in the middle of my
 struggle to break free, I look up, and slowly, ever so slowly, I see the
 huge, black-brown mass of a spider about the size of my fist crawl out
 of some old, decaying foam protectors. I stare at it; it stares back. I look
 closely for any threads connecting us, and there, glinting back at me
 with sunlight, is one strand of spider web, connecting the hulk spider to
 my face. It realizes the fact at the same time as me, and thinks, "Yes!
 This boy's eye sockets will make excellent breeding holes for my eggs!!
 and starts a full on crawling sprint towards me. I freak out, and begin to
 struggle even more and more to release myself from this web. It
 reaches the halfway mark and sees me begin to escape, so it goes for
 gold. The Hail Mary play. A daring leap straight for the head. Time slows
 down. This thing has all legs extended, blocking out the sun. A sure
 death for me. My left arm breaks free from the web. This could be my
 chance! A quick and decisive left cross reaches the spider JUST in time
 knocking the behemoth against the fence. It looks dazed; begins to
 squirm around on the ground, preparing for a counteroffensive. I don't
 give it a chance. I take the poop shovel in both my hands, shout a battle
 cry of pure victorious slaughter and smash my enemy into a crumpled
 pile, each strike emanating a loud crunch of the monster's body.I
 emerge the survivor in this battle. Thank you video games, for my
 improved reaction time, lest I fall victim to fate
 Unlike Comment Share 3 hours ago
 you should probably go to TheMetaPicture.com
epicjohndoe:

This Man Should Write A Novel

epicjohndoe: This Man Should Write A Novel

Bad, Bad Boys, and Christmas: HELI'S KITCHEN MOVME CUB XMAS SPECIAL MUN ou ARE MOST ToUBLESOME FOR A SECURITY GUARD ㄧㄋ EEENH! SORRY, HANS, WRONG GUESS. Wouw You IKE TO ão FOR OUBLE JEOPARTY,WHERE THE SCORES CAN REALLY CHANGE? CWHOA, THESE THINGS ARE REALLY BAD FOR You THEN WHO ARE You? [INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC PLAYS] WHEWE JUST A FLY IN THE OINTMENT, HANS. ER PSHUU THE MONKEY KLIK TTER WHAT IS IT YOU WANT, MARY? WHAT DO YOU WANT? DO YOU WANT THE MOON? JUST SAY THE WORD AND I'LL THROW A LASSO AROUND T AND PULL IT DOWN HEY. THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD IDEA. I'LL GIVE YOU THE MOON, MARY. I'LL TAKE IT. THEN WHAT, GEORGE? SNIFE WELL, THEN YOU CAN SWALLOWIT AND IT'LL ALL DISSOLVE, SEE. AND THE MOONBEAMS WOULD SHOOT OUT OF YOUR FINGERS AND YOUR TOES AND THE ENDS OF YOUR HAIR... AM I TALKING TOO MUCH? YES! WHY DON'T YOU KISS HER, INSTEAD OF TALKING HER TO DEATH? HKMC is a work of satire by Dave Acosta (@davedrawsgood), Dee Cunniffe (@deezoid) & Alex de Campi (@alexdecampi). All characters (c) Marvel Comics. Next episode: Death Wish. Or maybe Predator. Dunno. No for real, The Thin Man is "clearly" the best Xmas movie. William Powell is a comedy genius. (If you like Nick & Nora, check out My Man Godfrey, another brillant Powell screwball that has the greatest and by greatest we mean most fucked-up- meetcute of all time.) There's a period in one's young adulthood where it's deeply uncool to like A Wonderful Life. Sentimentality! Ugh, gross. Then you get older, and messages of hope seem a lot more necessary than before. Also, Jimmy Stewart is funny as hell. Not just his delivery, but his physical business between lines? #Goals. Stewart has been in a lot of great films Capra's so current it hurt Mr Smith Frex but if you like nors, dig up the under-appreciated Preminger classic, Anatomy of a Murder. Duke Ellington wrote&performed the score! Anyway: Happy Christmas from all of us. You are more important than you know, and more loved than you believe. Things will get better, give it time. alexdecampi: Hells Kitchen Movie Club Xmas Special! Ho ho ho, motherfuckers! Love from me, @dave-acosta and @deecunniffe Bucky’s shirt a low-key nod to @buckykingofmemes, who we adore Previously in Hell: cover image // 01 // 02 // 03 // Xmas // 04 // 05 // 06 // That time the Punisher’s creator gave us a thumbs-up // twitter // insta HOW did I get a shoutout in this A YEAR AGO and never knew about it?? This series is excellent! Look at that drowsy Bucky!
Bad, Bad Boys, and Christmas: HELI'S KITCHEN MOVME CUB XMAS SPECIAL
 MUN
 ou ARE MOST ToUBLESOME
 FOR A SECURITY GUARD
 ㄧㄋ
 EEENH! SORRY, HANS,
 WRONG GUESS.
 Wouw You IKE TO ão FOR
 OUBLE JEOPARTY,WHERE THE
 SCORES CAN REALLY CHANGE?

 CWHOA, THESE THINGS ARE
 REALLY BAD FOR You
 THEN WHO ARE You?
 [INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
 WHEWE
 JUST A FLY IN THE
 OINTMENT, HANS.
 ER

 PSHUU
 THE MONKEY
 KLIK
 TTER
 WHAT IS IT YOU WANT, MARY?
 WHAT DO YOU WANT? DO YOU
 WANT THE MOON?

 JUST SAY THE WORD AND
 I'LL THROW A LASSO AROUND
 T AND PULL IT DOWN
 HEY. THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD IDEA.
 I'LL GIVE YOU THE MOON, MARY.
 I'LL TAKE IT.
 THEN WHAT, GEORGE?
 SNIFE
 WELL, THEN YOU CAN SWALLOWIT
 AND IT'LL ALL DISSOLVE, SEE.
 AND THE MOONBEAMS WOULD SHOOT
 OUT OF YOUR FINGERS AND YOUR TOES
 AND THE ENDS OF YOUR HAIR...
 AM I TALKING TOO MUCH?
 YES! WHY DON'T YOU KISS HER,
 INSTEAD OF TALKING HER TO DEATH?
 HKMC is a work of satire by Dave Acosta (@davedrawsgood), Dee Cunniffe (@deezoid) & Alex de Campi (@alexdecampi).
 All characters (c) Marvel Comics.
 Next episode: Death Wish. Or maybe Predator. Dunno.
 No for real, The Thin Man is "clearly" the best Xmas movie. William Powell is a comedy genius. (If you like Nick & Nora, check out My Man
 Godfrey, another brillant Powell screwball that has the greatest and by greatest we mean most fucked-up- meetcute of all time.)
 There's a period in one's young adulthood where it's deeply uncool to like A Wonderful Life. Sentimentality! Ugh, gross. Then you get older,
 and messages of hope seem a lot more necessary than before. Also, Jimmy Stewart is funny as hell. Not just his delivery, but his physical
 business between lines? #Goals. Stewart has been in a lot of great films Capra's so current it hurt Mr Smith Frex but if you like nors, dig
 up the under-appreciated Preminger classic, Anatomy of a Murder. Duke Ellington wrote&performed the score! Anyway: Happy Christmas from
 all of us. You are more important than you know, and more loved than you believe. Things will get better, give it time.
alexdecampi:
Hells Kitchen Movie Club Xmas Special! Ho ho ho, motherfuckers! Love from me, @dave-acosta and @deecunniffe
Bucky’s shirt a low-key nod to @buckykingofmemes, who we adore
Previously in Hell: cover image // 01 // 02 // 03 // Xmas // 04 // 05 // 06 // That time the Punisher’s creator gave us a thumbs-up // twitter // insta

HOW did I get a shoutout in this A YEAR AGO and never knew about it?? This series is excellent! Look at that drowsy Bucky!

alexdecampi: Hells Kitchen Movie Club Xmas Special! Ho ho ho, motherfuckers! Love from me, @dave-acosta and @deecunniffe Bucky’s shirt a low...

Children, Crime, and Definitely: IN SOME PRISONS INMATE ON INMATE WOME Y GET 5 PADS PER PERIOD SEXUAL ABUSE IS 3X MEANING THEY HAVE HIGHER THAN MEN'S TO REUSE PADS. PRISON OVER THE LAST 10 YEARS WOMEN INPRISONS HAS I 90 PERCENT ARE INCREASED 138 PERCENT SINGLE MOTHERS DUE TO THE WORSENING ECONOMIC CONDITIONS OF WOMEN AND THE INCREASED RATE OF DRUG ARRESTS. AND OFTEN LOSE CONTACT WITH THEIR CHILDREN FOREVER. THE MAJORITY OF WOMEN COMMIT ECONOMIC CRIMES 80 PERCENT EANES IN IN YOUTH ,J ETENTIONIS THAN $2000 A AT THE TIME OF ARREST SEXUALLY ABUSED hello-i-ask-questions: libertarirynn: black-girl-against-feminism: such-justice-wow: platypus-protection-syndicate: canoeboy: not-saltrat88: judo-ichidai: Abolishing prisons is a feminist issue. How ‘bout quit doing crimes that would land you in these predicaments….just sayin Millions of us everyday go to work, get paid, don’t commit crimes that would lead to our arrest. I want a source on the $2k/year income statement. Because $40/week…surely not a US centered presentation…which begs the question where in the world do each of these claims come from? I tried to reverse image search and got 2 pages of pintrest pages so yeah… Great, thanks for these in no way bias statistics tumblr user “all-cops-are-bastards-1312” I need some evidence for these claims. I think “prisons need reform” and “you shouldn’t commit crimes” aren’t mutually exclusive statements. I’m not one who believes just being in prison means you forfeit all human rights, especially when you’re imprisoned for non-violent crimes.But yeah some sources on this would be nice. It would also be nice if these “facts” weren’t overplayed on OITNB characters, instantly making it more difficult to take them seriously. And it would be even nicer if feminists would stop co-opting issues like prison reform and labeling them as “feminist issues” when nearly all men’s prisons have the same and sometimes greater problems. Also somehow rape in men’s prisons is caused by men and yet women being raped in prison still doesn’t have anything to do with women.While i definitely agree our prison systems need SERIOUS reform, “abolishing” prison is absolutely out of the question.[Not to mention, women get more lenient sentances for the exact same crime. Stop acting like women get the short end of the stick in the legal system. They don’t.] Yeah that’s an excellent point. Also it looks like Tumblr May have nuked half my response again
Children, Crime, and Definitely: IN SOME PRISONS INMATE ON INMATE
 WOME
 Y GET
 5 PADS PER PERIOD
 SEXUAL ABUSE IS 3X
 MEANING THEY HAVE HIGHER THAN MEN'S
 TO REUSE PADS.
 PRISON
 OVER THE LAST 10 YEARS
 WOMEN INPRISONS HAS I 90 PERCENT ARE
 INCREASED 138 PERCENT
 SINGLE MOTHERS
 DUE TO THE WORSENING ECONOMIC
 CONDITIONS OF WOMEN AND THE
 INCREASED RATE OF DRUG ARRESTS.
 AND OFTEN LOSE CONTACT WITH
 THEIR CHILDREN FOREVER.
 THE MAJORITY OF WOMEN
 COMMIT ECONOMIC CRIMES
 80 PERCENT EANES
 IN IN YOUTH
 ,J
 ETENTIONIS
 THAN $2000 A
 AT THE TIME OF ARREST SEXUALLY ABUSED
hello-i-ask-questions:

libertarirynn:

black-girl-against-feminism:

such-justice-wow:
platypus-protection-syndicate:


canoeboy:


not-saltrat88:


judo-ichidai:
Abolishing prisons is a feminist issue.

How ‘bout quit doing crimes that would land you in these predicaments….just sayin


Millions of us everyday go to work, get paid, don’t commit crimes that would lead to our arrest. 


I want a source on the $2k/year income statement. Because $40/week…surely not a US centered presentation…which begs the question where in the world do each of these claims come from?


I tried to reverse image search and got 2 pages of pintrest pages so yeah… Great, thanks for these in no way bias statistics tumblr user “all-cops-are-bastards-1312”

I need some evidence for these claims.

I think “prisons need reform” and “you shouldn’t commit crimes” aren’t mutually exclusive statements. I’m not one who believes just being in prison means you forfeit all human rights, especially when you’re imprisoned for non-violent crimes.But yeah some sources on this would be nice. It would also be nice if these “facts” weren’t overplayed on OITNB characters, instantly making it more difficult to take them seriously. And it would be even nicer if feminists would stop co-opting issues like prison reform and labeling them as “feminist issues” when nearly all men’s prisons have the same and sometimes greater problems.

Also somehow rape in men’s prisons is caused by men and yet women being raped in prison still doesn’t have anything to do with women.While i definitely agree our prison systems need SERIOUS reform, “abolishing” prison is absolutely out of the question.[Not to mention, women get more lenient sentances for the exact same crime. Stop acting like women get the short end of the stick in the legal system. They don’t.]

Yeah that’s an excellent point. Also it looks like Tumblr May have nuked half my response again

hello-i-ask-questions: libertarirynn: black-girl-against-feminism: such-justice-wow: platypus-protection-syndicate: canoeboy: not-sal...

America, Crime, and Donald Trump: Your a dumb fuck for agreeing with trump what about you ancestors left behind your not a real Mexican your a fucking joke bro! Trump is a racist fuck and doesn't know what the fuck he's doing, know your background 7:41 AM Actually, I am a highly intelligent individual who's able to make well thought out decisions based on actual facts and not emotions. Because Trump wants to kee the USASafe & secure from the corruption and crime of South America doesn't make him a racist. You are right, I am not a Mexican, and Message... GIF Actually, I am a highly intelligent individual who’s able to make well thought out decisions based on actual facts and not emotions. Because Trump wants to keep the USA 🇺🇸 Safe & secure from the corruption and crime of South America doesn’t make him a racist. You are right, I am not a Mexican, and neither are you. The real Mexicans aren’t fleeing Mexico, they are actually fighting for their country and protesting against the invaders just like the majority of Americans are. I find it funny that a low grade educated individual as yourself believe the garbage you spew. Donald Trump is a billionaire who owns more than 500 companies , has made immensely great wealth by hard work and excellent business deals . Now be a good Mexican and go join the real Mexicans in Mexico and fight for your own motherland like Americans are fighting for theirs. (The picture on the right is the Nationalist Mexicans who are protesting against the invaders from South America invading their country, an image you won’t see in the news) who are the real Mexicans???! I was born in Cuba, the country that gave me birth but I was adopted by the USA legally and I am now an American 🇺🇸 I am not a Cuban American, I am an American 🇺🇸 I have honorably served in the US Marines and earned the title Marine. I have signed the dotted line and made an oath to give my life in defense of our constitution against enemies foreign and domestic. The USA Is my motherland now.
America, Crime, and Donald Trump: Your a dumb fuck for
 agreeing with trump what
 about you ancestors left
 behind your not a real
 Mexican your a fucking joke
 bro! Trump is a racist fuck
 and doesn't know what the
 fuck he's doing, know your
 background
 7:41 AM
 Actually, I am a highly
 intelligent individual who's
 able to make well thought out
 decisions based on actual
 facts and not emotions.
 Because Trump wants to kee
 the USASafe & secure
 from the corruption and crime
 of South America doesn't
 make him a racist. You are
 right, I am not a Mexican, and
 Message...
 GIF
Actually, I am a highly intelligent individual who’s able to make well thought out decisions based on actual facts and not emotions. Because Trump wants to keep the USA 🇺🇸 Safe & secure from the corruption and crime of South America doesn’t make him a racist. You are right, I am not a Mexican, and neither are you. The real Mexicans aren’t fleeing Mexico, they are actually fighting for their country and protesting against the invaders just like the majority of Americans are. I find it funny that a low grade educated individual as yourself believe the garbage you spew. Donald Trump is a billionaire who owns more than 500 companies , has made immensely great wealth by hard work and excellent business deals . Now be a good Mexican and go join the real Mexicans in Mexico and fight for your own motherland like Americans are fighting for theirs. (The picture on the right is the Nationalist Mexicans who are protesting against the invaders from South America invading their country, an image you won’t see in the news) who are the real Mexicans???! I was born in Cuba, the country that gave me birth but I was adopted by the USA legally and I am now an American 🇺🇸 I am not a Cuban American, I am an American 🇺🇸 I have honorably served in the US Marines and earned the title Marine. I have signed the dotted line and made an oath to give my life in defense of our constitution against enemies foreign and domestic. The USA Is my motherland now.

Actually, I am a highly intelligent individual who’s able to make well thought out decisions based on actual facts and not emotions. Because...

Books, Memes, and Gang: magine having to charge your book this post was made bv amazonkindle Greenland or right-whale, he is the best existing authority But Scoresby knew nothing and says nothing of the great sperm whale, compared with which the Greenland whale is almost unworthy mentioning. And here be it said, that the Greenland whale is an usurper upon the throne of the seas, He is not even by any means the largest of the whales. Yet, owing to the long priority of his claims, and the profound ignorance which, till some seventy years back, invested the then fabulous or utterly unknown sperm-whale, and which ignorance to this present day still reigns in all but some few scientific retreats and whale-ports, this usurpation has been every way complete. Reference to nearly all the leviathanic allusions in the great poets of past days, will satisfy you that the Greenland whale, without one rival, was to them the monarch of the seas. But the time has at last come for a new proclamation. This is Charing Cross; hear ye! good people all,-the Greenland whale is deposed, the great sperm whale now reigneth! paper booK gang There are only two books in being which at all pretend to put the living sperm whale before you, and at the same time, in the remotest degree succeed in the attempt. Those books are Beale's and Bennett's; both in their time surgeons to English South-Sea whale-ships, and both exact and reliable men. The original matter touching the sperm whale to be found in their volumes is necessarily small; but so far as it goes, it is of excellent quality, though 25% Locations 2384-94 9444 Home Back before reading it Gang gang