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Ass, Fall, and Hail Mary: I almost died today. Here is the true story So Iwas derping in my backyard today, picking up dog crap. The whole time, my dog was just sitting there watching me, enjoying the sight. So I go to the small section in between my trampoline and my fence. Now if any of you haven't seen my trampoline, it is really old and there are these black foam things on the bars that used to hold up a net, but they are mostly destroyed now. So I walk in the narrow space, and I get completely covered by the hugest web I've ever felt. All over my face, all over my chest and shoulders. I freak out, but I realize that there is no worries. I see no spider, and it would have to be a big ass spider to concoct such a glorious web. Well, sure enough, in the middle of my struggle to break free, I look up, and slowly, ever so slowly, I see the huge, black-brown mass of a spider about the size of my fist crawl out of some old, decaying foam protectors. I stare at it; it stares back. I look closely for any threads connecting us, and there, glinting back at me with sunlight, is one strand of spider web, connecting the hulk spider to my face. It realizes the fact at the same time as me, and thinks, "Yes! This boy's eye sockets will make excellent breeding holes for my eggs!! and starts a full on crawling sprint towards me. I freak out, and begin to struggle even more and more to release myself from this web. It reaches the halfway mark and sees me begin to escape, so it goes for gold. The Hail Mary play. A daring leap straight for the head. Time slows down. This thing has all legs extended, blocking out the sun. A sure death for me. My left arm breaks free from the web. This could be my chance! A quick and decisive left cross reaches the spider JUST in time knocking the behemoth against the fence. It looks dazed; begins to squirm around on the ground, preparing for a counteroffensive. I don't give it a chance. I take the poop shovel in both my hands, shout a battle cry of pure victorious slaughter and smash my enemy into a crumpled pile, each strike emanating a loud crunch of the monster's body.I emerge the survivor in this battle. Thank you video games, for my improved reaction time, lest I fall victim to fate Unlike Comment Share 3 hours ago you should probably go to TheMetaPicture.com epicjohndoe: This Man Should Write A Novel
Ass, Fall, and Hail Mary: I almost died today. Here is the true story
 So Iwas derping in my backyard today, picking up dog crap. The whole
 time, my dog was just sitting there watching me, enjoying the sight. So I
 go to the small section in between my trampoline and my fence. Now if
 any of you haven't seen my trampoline, it is really old and there are
 these black foam things on the bars that used to hold up a net, but they
 are mostly destroyed now. So I walk in the narrow space, and I get
 completely covered by the hugest web I've ever felt. All over my face, all
 over my chest and shoulders. I freak out, but I realize that there is no
 worries. I see no spider, and it would have to be a big ass spider to
 concoct such a glorious web. Well, sure enough, in the middle of my
 struggle to break free, I look up, and slowly, ever so slowly, I see the
 huge, black-brown mass of a spider about the size of my fist crawl out
 of some old, decaying foam protectors. I stare at it; it stares back. I look
 closely for any threads connecting us, and there, glinting back at me
 with sunlight, is one strand of spider web, connecting the hulk spider to
 my face. It realizes the fact at the same time as me, and thinks, "Yes!
 This boy's eye sockets will make excellent breeding holes for my eggs!!
 and starts a full on crawling sprint towards me. I freak out, and begin to
 struggle even more and more to release myself from this web. It
 reaches the halfway mark and sees me begin to escape, so it goes for
 gold. The Hail Mary play. A daring leap straight for the head. Time slows
 down. This thing has all legs extended, blocking out the sun. A sure
 death for me. My left arm breaks free from the web. This could be my
 chance! A quick and decisive left cross reaches the spider JUST in time
 knocking the behemoth against the fence. It looks dazed; begins to
 squirm around on the ground, preparing for a counteroffensive. I don't
 give it a chance. I take the poop shovel in both my hands, shout a battle
 cry of pure victorious slaughter and smash my enemy into a crumpled
 pile, each strike emanating a loud crunch of the monster's body.I
 emerge the survivor in this battle. Thank you video games, for my
 improved reaction time, lest I fall victim to fate
 Unlike Comment Share 3 hours ago
 you should probably go to TheMetaPicture.com
epicjohndoe:

This Man Should Write A Novel

epicjohndoe: This Man Should Write A Novel

England, Fake, and Gif: So when Rowling tweeted this back at him, most people assumed she was messing around Luke @lukekocura.4 Sep 2015 Said the millionaire on her gold iphone in her mansion J.K. Rowling@jk rowling If you can't imagine yourself in one of those boats, you have something missing. They are dying for a life worth living. #refugeeswelcome J.К. Rowling Follow ojk rowling Replying to @lukekocura @Lukekocura I'll have my mansion AND your shack in about 2 years. Ready to get owned? 6:42 PM-4 Sep 2015 40,534 Retweets 59,056 Likes 0.9匍80e0悉@ Before responding, Rowling had researched the man behind the troll, Luke Kocura, and found out he was struggling to make mortgage payments on his modest home in Sheffield, England. Unless he turned things around within two years, he was at risk of foreclosure Rowling then closely monitored his situation, which, sure enough, only got worse. So two years later, she pounced, assuming Kocura's mortgage, repossessing the house from the bank, and now she owns it. To celebrate the long-game owning, she tweeted this at him: J.K. Rowling @jk_rowling Follow @Lukekocura I was unduly harsh before. The place isn't a shack. It's more of a hut. Maybe I'll let vou come back to visit sometime!:) <p><a href="http://celticpyro.tumblr.com/post/175735905124/dasha-loses-it-northern-rebel" class="tumblr_blog">celticpyro</a>:</p> <blockquote><p><a href="http://dasha-loses-it.tumblr.com/post/175733878663/northern-rebel-dasha-loses-it" class="tumblr_blog">dasha-loses-it</a>:</p><blockquote> <p><a href="https://northern-rebel.tumblr.com/post/175733387761/dasha-loses-it" class="tumblr_blog">northern-rebel</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://dasha-loses-it.tumblr.com/post/175733318578/friendly-neighborhood-patriarch" class="tumblr_blog">dasha-loses-it</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://friendly-neighborhood-patriarch.tumblr.com/post/175715549937/girlfriendluvr-thedevitoanditsown" class="tumblr_blog">friendly-neighborhood-patriarch</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://girlfriendluvr.tumblr.com/post/175713214958/thedevitoanditsown-pinetreeanarchism" class="tumblr_blog">girlfriendluvr</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://thedevitoanditsown.tumblr.com/post/175710984601/pinetreeanarchism-westernsocietyfucked100years" class="tumblr_blog">thedevitoanditsown</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://pinetreeanarchism.tumblr.com/post/164712342717/westernsocietyfucked100years-hell-planet-the" class="tumblr_blog">pinetreeanarchism</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://www.westernsocietyfucked100years.com/post/164697571308/hell-planet" class="tumblr_blog">westernsocietyfucked100years</a>:</p> <blockquote><p>hell planet</p></blockquote> <p>The rich will track you down and steal your home from you if you disagree with them on the internet.</p> <p class="npf_quirky" data-npf='{"subtype":"quirky"}'>Earth is fucked.</p> </blockquote> <p>Why do people like this woman again?</p> </blockquote> <p>holy shit jkr is ridiculously evil</p> </blockquote> <figure class="tmblr-full" data-orig-height="204" data-orig-width="400"><img src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/0bea1abd2b2f16419b281392150d1ed0/tumblr_inline_pbm1g2iw1I1t75kj8_540.gif" data-orig-height="204" data-orig-width="400"/></figure><p>this can’t be real</p> </blockquote> <p>Please let this be a troll</p> </blockquote> <p>THIS IS FAKE. Here’s the real response</p> <p><a href="https://twitter.com/jk_rowling/status/639886235503337472?lang=en">https://twitter.com/jk_rowling/status/639886235503337472?lang=en</a><br/></p> <p>Don’t spread this bs without checking, people.</p> </blockquote> <p>Good to know, sounded too far-fetched to be true</p> </blockquote> <p>Thank God it’s fake. <br/></p></blockquote> <p>I mean I don’t like Rowling but this seemed like a stretch.</p>
England, Fake, and Gif: So
 when
 Rowling
 tweeted
 this
 back
 at
 him,
 most
 people assumed she was messing around
 Luke @lukekocura.4 Sep 2015
 Said the millionaire on her gold iphone in her mansion
 J.K. Rowling@jk rowling
 If you can't imagine yourself in one of those boats, you have something
 missing. They are dying for a life worth living. #refugeeswelcome
 J.К. Rowling
 Follow
 ojk rowling
 Replying to @lukekocura
 @Lukekocura I'll have my mansion AND your
 shack in about 2 years. Ready to get owned?
 6:42 PM-4 Sep 2015
 40,534 Retweets 59,056 Likes
 0.9匍80e0悉@

 Before responding, Rowling had researched the
 man behind the troll, Luke Kocura, and found out
 he was struggling to make mortgage payments on
 his modest home in Sheffield, England. Unless he
 turned things around within two years, he was at
 risk of foreclosure
 Rowling then closely monitored his situation,
 which, sure enough, only got worse. So two years
 later, she pounced, assuming Kocura's mortgage,
 repossessing the house from the bank, and now
 she owns it.
 To celebrate the long-game owning, she tweeted
 this at him:
 J.K. Rowling
 @jk_rowling
 Follow
 @Lukekocura I was unduly harsh before. The
 place isn't a shack. It's more of a hut. Maybe
 I'll let vou come back to visit sometime!:)
<p><a href="http://celticpyro.tumblr.com/post/175735905124/dasha-loses-it-northern-rebel" class="tumblr_blog">celticpyro</a>:</p>

<blockquote><p><a href="http://dasha-loses-it.tumblr.com/post/175733878663/northern-rebel-dasha-loses-it" class="tumblr_blog">dasha-loses-it</a>:</p><blockquote>
<p><a href="https://northern-rebel.tumblr.com/post/175733387761/dasha-loses-it" class="tumblr_blog">northern-rebel</a>:</p>

<blockquote>
<p><a href="http://dasha-loses-it.tumblr.com/post/175733318578/friendly-neighborhood-patriarch" class="tumblr_blog">dasha-loses-it</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a href="http://friendly-neighborhood-patriarch.tumblr.com/post/175715549937/girlfriendluvr-thedevitoanditsown" class="tumblr_blog">friendly-neighborhood-patriarch</a>:</p>

<blockquote>
<p><a href="http://girlfriendluvr.tumblr.com/post/175713214958/thedevitoanditsown-pinetreeanarchism" class="tumblr_blog">girlfriendluvr</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a href="https://thedevitoanditsown.tumblr.com/post/175710984601/pinetreeanarchism-westernsocietyfucked100years" class="tumblr_blog">thedevitoanditsown</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a href="https://pinetreeanarchism.tumblr.com/post/164712342717/westernsocietyfucked100years-hell-planet-the" class="tumblr_blog">pinetreeanarchism</a>:</p>

<blockquote>
<p><a href="http://www.westernsocietyfucked100years.com/post/164697571308/hell-planet" class="tumblr_blog">westernsocietyfucked100years</a>:</p>
<blockquote><p>hell planet</p></blockquote>

<p>The rich will track you down and steal your home from you if you disagree with them on the internet.</p>
<p class="npf_quirky" data-npf='{"subtype":"quirky"}'>Earth is fucked.</p>
</blockquote>

<p>Why do people like this woman again?</p>
</blockquote>
<p>holy shit jkr is ridiculously evil</p>
</blockquote>
<figure class="tmblr-full" data-orig-height="204" data-orig-width="400"><img src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/0bea1abd2b2f16419b281392150d1ed0/tumblr_inline_pbm1g2iw1I1t75kj8_540.gif" data-orig-height="204" data-orig-width="400"/></figure><p>this can’t be real</p>
</blockquote>

<p>Please let this be a troll</p>
</blockquote>
<p>THIS IS FAKE. Here’s the real response</p>
<p><a href="https://twitter.com/jk_rowling/status/639886235503337472?lang=en">https://twitter.com/jk_rowling/status/639886235503337472?lang=en</a><br/></p>
<p>Don’t spread this bs without checking, people.</p>
</blockquote>

<p>Good to know, sounded too far-fetched to be true</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Thank God it’s fake. <br/></p></blockquote>

<p>I mean I don’t like Rowling but this seemed like a stretch.</p>

<p><a href="http://celticpyro.tumblr.com/post/175735905124/dasha-loses-it-northern-rebel" class="tumblr_blog">celticpyro</a>:</p> <blockquo...

Advice, America, and Apparently: AjA J+ 2 mins AjAJ+ 2 mins #comicCon is underway. With a recent surge in diversifying comic book characters, do you have a new favorite superhero? on is under way with a recent surge in diversifying comic book #Comic characters, do you have a new favorite superhero? Is diversit killing comios? As Aj fanboys but ho. Sorry MARVEL V.P. ADMITS POLITICAL CORRECTNESS KILLED COMIC SALES April 3, 2017 Daniel Greenfield 50 526 While the Marvel-Disney monster has been ruling the box office, Marvel Comics sales have been having serious issues. One obvious factor was trying to force political correctness on readers by replacing Peter Parker, Iron Man, etc with ridiculously politically correct "diverse" versions In a revelation that would surprise no one, comic book readers were not interested in a Muslim Ms. Marvel, a Latino Spider-Man who isn't Peter Parker or the Angela Davis version of Iron Man. And Marvel's VP of Sales made the mistake of admitting that. <p><a href="http://princess-has-a-pen.tumblr.com/post/166223687686/trilllizard420-the1manpizzaparty" class="tumblr_blog">princess-has-a-pen</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://trilllizard420.tumblr.com/post/164525613653/the1manpizzaparty-trilllizard420" class="tumblr_blog">trilllizard420</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://the1manpizzaparty.tumblr.com/post/164445569495/trilllizard420-unicornlordart-well-somebodys" class="tumblr_blog">the1manpizzaparty</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://trilllizard420.tumblr.com/post/164374984198/unicornlordart-well-somebodys-fucking-lying" class="tumblr_blog">trilllizard420</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://unicornlordart.tumblr.com/post/164374320304/well-somebodys-fucking-lying" class="tumblr_blog">unicornlordart</a>:</p> <blockquote><p>Well… Somebody’s fucking lying.</p></blockquote> <p>diversity in and of itself doesn’t kill comics, but pointless, endless reboots, massive events that rely on you keeping up with 12 given titles at any time, and constant, badly established legacy characters are why comics are failing</p> <p>not to mention splitting up iconic superhero titles among more than one person at once</p> <p>did you know there’s actually 3 people running around with the Wolverine codename at the moment?</p> <p>Let’s take some examples:</p> <p>Riri Williams popped up with no buildup after Tony Stark got murked, but he was apparently monitoring this 15 year old girl teen prodigy never mentioned before in his comics, entrusted with an AI based on his brain patterns and personality to mentor her.</p> <p>You know, as compared to however fucking many characters they could’ve given his legacy to.</p> <p>Also we’re supposed to believe someone as egotistical and self glorifying as Dr Doom would take on the identity of Iron Man?</p> <p>Please.</p> <p>It’s the same shit as Jane Foster as female Thor, with a healthy combination of plothole.</p> <p>Somehow, a human woman who has not been involved with Thor in way, with a terminal disease that was ravaging her body, somehow ended up ON THE MOON without any protection and managed to pick up Mjolnr and was found Worthy by it after the fight where Thor ceased to be Worthy.</p> <p>Like, you know, instead of Sif, a long time companion of Thor and who can pick up the hammer or Angela, who Marvel had then won a recent legal fight to be able to use….</p> <p>People don’t dislike it because it’s “diversity”</p> <p>They don’t like it because it’s weak, pandering writing that doesn’t stand up to internal logic.</p> <p>Now, an example of this done right is when Sam Wilson, aka, the Falcon, became Captain America</p> <p>for one thing, he was actually established as working closely with Steve Rogers for a long time in the comics before he was given the mantle. By Steve Rogers himself.</p> <p>See, at this point, Rogers got rapidly aged cause his super serum stopped working and he was an old man, so he couldn’t do it any more, but he was still around to give Sam advice and support over comms.</p> <p>But of course, until Marvel actually bothers to learn why people aren’t buying their shit, they’re gonna keep making the same mistakes, as long as they’re insulated by the losses of the MCU and being used by Disney as a vanity press, they’ll never learn and lose more ground to DC and the indies</p> <p>EDIT: Also I totally forgot, unrecognizable new brands they try to create.</p> <p>If your comic customers, as in the customers that go in and buy things, if they go “who’s this” and show you a comic, then they’re probably not gonna pick it up. They’re there to buy Spider-Man, Batman, Wolverine, X-Men, Avengers they can recognize, not fuckin Stardude or whatever odd new thing they’re gonna push is.</p> <p>It’s nothing to do with race of sex of the characters concerned, but if they’ve got no brand recognition to support their solo titles, they’re gonna flounder.</p> <p>Not even getting into the alienating, pointlessly political shite like that infamous Mockingbird “Ask Me About My Feminist Agenda” t-shirt schlock stunt.</p> <p>What’s also more damaging than that is a flippant response to criticism or calling their readership racist assholes on twitter or whatever. That’s a really bad look for an industry professional when you’re not even an artist or a writer as someone essential to a comic book.</p> </blockquote> <p>this person forgot to mention how they shoehorn in unnecessary commentary and subplots no one was looking for. it honestly feels like that sometimes spider man stops mid fight and says “did i mention im a gay POC” (hyperbole but kind of true)</p> </blockquote> <p>this, sadly, is Not Hyperbole with America Chavez</p> </blockquote> <p>And the worst thing is?</p> <p>With tweaking and good writing, Riri and America (what a stupid name) could work.</p> <p>But because Marvel is run by incompetent pandering idiots, they’re the worst ideas to ever come out of the company.</p> </blockquote> <p>I honestly wish Riri had been done well because I don’t mind the concept.</p>
Advice, America, and Apparently: AjA
 J+
 2 mins
 AjAJ+
 2 mins
 #comicCon is underway. With a recent surge in diversifying comic book
 characters, do you have a new favorite superhero?
 on is under way with a recent surge in diversifying comic book
 #Comic
 characters, do you have a new favorite superhero?
 Is diversit
 killing comios?
 As
 Aj
 fanboys
 but ho.
 Sorry

 MARVEL V.P. ADMITS POLITICAL
 CORRECTNESS KILLED COMIC SALES
 April 3, 2017 Daniel Greenfield 50
 526
 While the Marvel-Disney monster has been ruling the box office, Marvel Comics sales have been having serious
 issues. One obvious factor was trying to force political correctness on readers by replacing Peter Parker, Iron
 Man, etc with ridiculously politically correct "diverse" versions
 In a revelation that would surprise no one, comic book readers were not interested in a Muslim Ms. Marvel, a
 Latino Spider-Man who isn't Peter Parker or the Angela Davis version of Iron Man. And Marvel's VP of Sales
 made the mistake of admitting that.
<p><a href="http://princess-has-a-pen.tumblr.com/post/166223687686/trilllizard420-the1manpizzaparty" class="tumblr_blog">princess-has-a-pen</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a href="https://trilllizard420.tumblr.com/post/164525613653/the1manpizzaparty-trilllizard420" class="tumblr_blog">trilllizard420</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a href="http://the1manpizzaparty.tumblr.com/post/164445569495/trilllizard420-unicornlordart-well-somebodys" class="tumblr_blog">the1manpizzaparty</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a href="https://trilllizard420.tumblr.com/post/164374984198/unicornlordart-well-somebodys-fucking-lying" class="tumblr_blog">trilllizard420</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a href="http://unicornlordart.tumblr.com/post/164374320304/well-somebodys-fucking-lying" class="tumblr_blog">unicornlordart</a>:</p>
<blockquote><p>Well… Somebody’s fucking lying.</p></blockquote>
<p>diversity in and of itself doesn’t kill comics, but pointless, endless reboots, massive events that rely on you keeping up with 12 given titles at any time, and constant, badly established legacy characters are why comics are failing</p>
<p>not to mention splitting up iconic superhero titles among more than one person at once</p>
<p>did you know there’s actually 3 people running around with the Wolverine codename at the moment?</p>
<p>Let’s take some examples:</p>
<p>Riri Williams popped up with no buildup after Tony Stark got murked, but he was apparently monitoring this 15 year old girl teen prodigy never mentioned before in his comics, entrusted with an AI based on his brain patterns and personality to mentor her.</p>
<p>You know, as compared to however fucking many characters they could’ve given his legacy to.</p>
<p>Also we’re supposed to believe someone as egotistical and self glorifying as Dr Doom would take on the identity of Iron Man?</p>
<p>Please.</p>
<p>It’s the same shit as Jane Foster as female Thor, with a healthy combination of plothole.</p>
<p>Somehow, a human woman who has not been involved with Thor in way, with a terminal disease that was ravaging her body, somehow ended up ON THE MOON without any protection and managed to pick up Mjolnr and was found Worthy by it after the fight where Thor ceased to be Worthy.</p>
<p>Like, you know, instead of Sif, a long time companion of Thor and who can pick up the hammer or Angela, who Marvel had then won a recent legal fight to be able to use….</p>
<p>People don’t dislike it because it’s “diversity”</p>
<p>They don’t like it because it’s weak, pandering writing that doesn’t stand up to internal logic.</p>
<p>Now, an example of this done right is when Sam Wilson, aka, the Falcon, became Captain America</p>
<p>for one thing, he was actually established as working closely with Steve Rogers for a long time in the comics before he was given the mantle. By Steve Rogers himself.</p>
<p>See, at this point, Rogers got rapidly aged cause his super serum stopped working and he was an old man, so he couldn’t do it any more, but he was still around to give Sam advice and support over comms.</p>
<p>But of course, until Marvel actually bothers to learn why people aren’t buying their shit, they’re gonna keep making the same mistakes, as long as they’re insulated by the losses of the MCU and being used by Disney as a vanity press, they’ll never learn and lose more ground to DC and the indies</p>
<p>EDIT: Also I totally forgot, unrecognizable new brands they try to create.</p>
<p>If your comic customers, as in the customers that go in and buy things, if they go “who’s this” and show you a comic, then they’re probably not gonna pick it up. They’re there to buy Spider-Man, Batman, Wolverine, X-Men, Avengers they can recognize, not fuckin Stardude or whatever odd new thing they’re gonna push is.</p>
<p>It’s nothing to do with race of sex of the characters concerned, but if they’ve got no brand recognition to support their solo titles, they’re gonna flounder.</p>
<p>Not even getting into the alienating, pointlessly political shite like that infamous Mockingbird “Ask Me About My Feminist Agenda” t-shirt schlock stunt.</p>
<p>What’s also more damaging than that is a flippant response to criticism or calling their readership racist assholes on twitter or whatever. That’s a really bad look for an industry professional when you’re not even an artist or a writer as someone essential to a comic book.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>this person forgot to mention how they shoehorn in unnecessary commentary and subplots no one was looking for. it honestly feels like that sometimes spider man stops mid fight and says “did i mention im a gay POC” (hyperbole but kind of true)</p>
</blockquote>
<p>this, sadly, is Not Hyperbole with America Chavez</p>
</blockquote>
<p>And the worst thing is?</p>
<p>With tweaking and good writing, Riri and America (what a stupid name) could work.</p>
<p>But because Marvel is run by incompetent pandering idiots, they’re the worst ideas to ever come out of the company.</p>
</blockquote>

<p>I honestly wish Riri had been done well because I don’t mind the concept.</p>

<p><a href="http://princess-has-a-pen.tumblr.com/post/166223687686/trilllizard420-the1manpizzaparty" class="tumblr_blog">princess-has-a-pen<...