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Af, Bad, and Beard: wanna play Dungeons & Dragons! -FUN POLICE YOU SUCK- Yay! Why do you wanna play High Adventure Pop Fantasy? I don't like fantasy And now we are You don't wanna play D&D, you want to Elves are dumb just wanna do this RPG thing playing Vampyre I hope you're happy SRYSLY lets be vampires n shit play something else wanna go on adventures! I want to be a special snowflake Can I be someone from Lord of the Rings or something? Every hero is special. What makes you special? Sure, I like the classic fantasy races Ugh, FINE. What makes you so damn special then? Actually Tolkein is a hack. Gimme something DIFFERENT Uh, I'm an elf or something? Uh, I dunno, just make me not an elf, dwarf, angel, devil or something done 100 times before okay? anyways What's on the inside. And my sword And my magic Me too! I want to be a I'm DARK and MISUNDERSTOOD motherfucking dragon and there's no true FIINE RIGHT or WRONG HUMAN WAAAAlT PHB Stout Wow. That's helpful. s Animal Person weird enough for you? Seriously, you could just like, be a dark and brooding white Make me hardy Halfling Subrace You can't be a dragon Yeah, I guess you're right UGH Gross no, I said SPECIAL Not done yet. Want to be slightly dwarfy, or nimbl dude Cool, off-brand HALFLING would like to maintain some semblance of gravitas Hobbit PHB Sure. More of the Gentle Nature Giant or STRONK MEN Alright, are you only r extremely silly? It's called Dungeons & Dragons you wangrod Lightfoot Nice! Wanna be Make me nimble a bit silly -Kid-sized please!- s there a Big Size? human sized or tiny? Halfling Subrace EVERYTHING IS No, I wear the darkness on my sleeve MAGIC AND GLITTER Can I have a bit of dark humor? Lain't no pedo You can be a woodsy I AM A Uh, like a furry? FINE PICK YOUR FAVORITE COLOR GNOME | the Forest Gnome s this just a magic hobbit? trickster or Ugh, just get out MAGIC world to see Gnome Subrace PHB Pls be gentl. MUSHROOM steampunk tinkerer POOMP DE MOOSCLES Can I be a Giant? Mountain Gnome LETS MAKE TOYS YAY Sure, but we're getting less classic Gnome Subrace FIRBOLG Lithe 'n' Pretty, or Noooo000000 lemme be a Dragon! GOLIATH Uh, I don't like these options Actually more of a horse thing for me CENTAUR Short 'n' Swole? now GGIR Are you a furry? FORGET THE TOYS No but birds are cool Okay, well we got options. First off, are you actually kind of misunderstood DRAGONBORN WE MUST GOO DEEPER Close enough This isn't a dragon Do u even lift bro? feel pretty No problem lets move over here Actually I'm a Scalie OwO Okay Fine Wait, now it gets complicated. Is magic or nature more important to you? Deep Gnome Wait does this come kid-sized? ELF DWARF No one gets me, especially my Mom -Wait I don't want to be short- Gnome Subrace Yay I'm done! PHB You know what, I was the monster all along AARAKOCRA Elemental Evil I just wanna soar in the air majestic and free By Thorin's beard. time to drink ale and axe things! sigh* WHATS YOUR FURSONA Majestic Eagle or Obnoxious Corvid? f this is right Wait, none Elves are and always will be badass treehuggers Motherfucker I'm MADE of Magic CAW CAW MOTHERFUCKER КОBOLD KENKU So, are you hardier like the hills, or High Elf Wood Elf What? Fine. What's Volos the problem? Elf Subrace Elf Subrace stronger like stone? Great! First off. how Fun-sized evil it is Can't spell Slaughter_ without Laughter do you feel about comic relief? How do you feel about Scales? Cat! Meow Cow! Moo! Neither, I'm angry and kind of an asshole Elephant... uh... .none of the others? Hardy n Hilly! Nay Stone is Strength! am actually an emotionless lizard person I'm the DARK AND BADASS Alright, why do version of some poncy elf, dwarf, or other wussy fantasy goody two shoes GOBLIN Do you think this is funny? people misunderstand you Volos Right. Sorry. What is power to you? LOXADON TABAXI MINOTAUR SHIFTER I wanted to be Dark and Brooding Hill Dwarf Mountain Dwarf Duegar Can I be only KIND OF Elf-v? GGIR Volos GGtR Eberron Aren't Elves Faeries? Make me goddamn weird and Fev When I said Elf meant like, Dwarf Subrace Dwarf Subrace Dwarf Subrace lermaids I'm strong but instead of cheery dwarfness you got mean dwarfness Strength Intellect I've got sinister horns and look like the devil Eladrin Sea Elf Drow HALF-ELF Elf Subrace Elf Subrace Elf Subrace One of my parents is from a species that is thought to be brutish and cruel Are you just looking weird's this Doint? Cool, we actually have those if you picked that path earlier you edgelord I'm quick and lithe, like an elf but DARK you're right. Let's stick to something at least- a bit familiar I SAID DARK AND BROODING Fire Genasi Yeah, Fuck vou Genasi Subrace ean st Wanna be magical and pretty Like Ted Cruz. Neat. I was once holy HALF-ORC TIEFLING MOTHERFUCKING DRAGON So wrlat scales we talking? but now I've FALLEN FROM GRACE PHB PHE Shadar-Kai Well, there's only one REAL choice. Genies are Elf Subrace Ugh fine. One of your a genie parents Let's Captain Planet this shit GENASI elemental, so pick an Yeah that works Surprise attacks, or But a bit of strength is needed too right? To conquer? Elemental Evil element Alright. Are you half monstrous or hali 100% human i lame. Can I be part fantasy? I dunno just general reptiles I guess Nah, give me some monster blood! Rock Hard Ugh what is it on because vou're Snek baby We ail float Actually I wanted down here to be Aquaman not a coward magical and pretty? Genies? Get that Face them head on, I'm no coward! Deception is the ulimate weapon Uh, just give me a touch, just enough to make it nuanced Will Smith shit out of my face Protector Scourge Fallen owardly Tactical prowess Earth Genasi LIZARDFOLK Air Genasi Water Genasi I'm just lazy Aasimar Subrace Aasimar Subrace Aasimar Subrace marks a keen mind Genasi Subrace Genasi Subrace Genasi Subrace Volos Seriously? How about multiverse YUAN-TI Alright so I can explode heads, with my mind right? Okay, that's pretty fucking out there GITH Yup! Do you want to go part of the way, or all the way And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee MtoF plane hoppers? That's just ugly elves with mind powers Oh, lets go 100% monster Wait, what's this Intelligence penalty? I don't want backpedal a bit and be a bit Oh I wanna be an angel -but not like goody two shoes A BAD ANGEL You know, light. goodness yadda yadda Not quite. Anyways More choices! What be stupid,can ORC BUGBEAR НОBGOBLIN Gith come in two kind of angel? Volos flavors Blue hairless vulcan perfectionists? Like this isn't even DnD more heroic? VEDALKEN -Fine you got me GGR Big anymore WE ARE IMMORTAL WE ARE CONQUERERS WE ARE GITH Zen as fuck Kung Fu as Fuck Forge Chaos into Reality Fuck off Tieflings! Can I be a classic Monster? Big version or Small Version? Small Vulcans are just space elves These fuckers are just milktoast af Can I be an animal person? Uncommon Races! What sounds appealing to you? Githyanki Githzerai We're on a mission from God AASIMAR Gith Subrace Gith Subrace Volos OKAY YOU HAVE TENTACLES AND MUTATIONS AND YOU'RE LITERALLY A MAD SCIENCE EXPERIMENT SIMIC HYBRID This is the shit I'm .can I be a doppelganger? talking about GGIR Веер Воор Вoр I am Robot No I want to be mysterious Basically Aquaman the best DC superhero CHANGELINGS Eberron KALASHTAR Eberron TRITON WARFORGED Wait, can I do this but more Elf-y?- Volos Eberron ..I don't know what this is Neither do I. Also I'm banning you from my game. A Very Silly Flowchart For Picking Your Next D&D Race
Af, Bad, and Beard: wanna play Dungeons
 & Dragons!
 -FUN POLICE
 YOU SUCK-
 Yay! Why do you
 wanna play High
 Adventure Pop
 Fantasy?
 I don't like fantasy
 And now we are
 You don't wanna play
 D&D, you want to
 Elves are dumb
 just wanna do this
 RPG thing
 playing Vampyre I
 hope you're happy
 SRYSLY
 lets be vampires n shit
 play something else
 wanna go on adventures!
 I want to be a special snowflake
 Can I be someone from Lord of the Rings or something?
 Every hero is special.
 What makes you
 special?
 Sure, I like the
 classic fantasy races
 Ugh, FINE. What
 makes you so damn
 special then?
 Actually Tolkein is a hack.
 Gimme something DIFFERENT
 Uh, I'm an elf
 or something?
 Uh, I dunno, just make me
 not an elf, dwarf, angel, devil
 or something done 100 times
 before okay?
 anyways
 What's on the inside.
 And my sword
 And my magic
 Me too!
 I want to be a
 I'm DARK and MISUNDERSTOOD
 motherfucking dragon
 and there's no true
 FIINE
 RIGHT or WRONG
 HUMAN
 WAAAAlT
 PHB
 Stout
 Wow. That's helpful.
 s Animal Person
 weird enough for
 you?
 Seriously, you could
 just like, be a dark
 and brooding white
 Make me hardy
 Halfling Subrace
 You can't be a dragon
 Yeah, I guess you're right
 UGH
 Gross no, I said SPECIAL
 Not done yet. Want to
 be slightly dwarfy, or
 nimbl
 dude
 Cool, off-brand
 HALFLING
 would like to maintain
 some semblance
 of gravitas
 Hobbit
 PHB
 Sure. More of the
 Gentle Nature Giant
 or STRONK MEN
 Alright, are you only
 r extremely
 silly?
 It's called Dungeons & Dragons
 you wangrod
 Lightfoot
 Nice! Wanna be
 Make me nimble
 a bit silly
 -Kid-sized please!-
 s there a Big Size?
 human sized or tiny?
 Halfling Subrace
 EVERYTHING IS
 No, I wear the
 darkness on my
 sleeve
 MAGIC AND GLITTER
 Can I have a bit
 of dark humor?
 Lain't no pedo
 You can be a woodsy
 I AM A
 Uh, like a furry?
 FINE PICK YOUR
 FAVORITE COLOR
 GNOME
 | the
 Forest Gnome
 s this just
 a magic hobbit?
 trickster or
 Ugh, just get out
 MAGIC
 world to see
 Gnome Subrace
 PHB
 Pls be gentl.
 MUSHROOM
 steampunk tinkerer
 POOMP DE MOOSCLES
 Can I be a Giant?
 Mountain Gnome
 LETS MAKE
 TOYS
 YAY
 Sure, but we're
 getting less classic
 Gnome Subrace
 FIRBOLG
 Lithe 'n' Pretty, or
 Noooo000000
 lemme be a Dragon!
 GOLIATH
 Uh, I don't like these options
 Actually more of a
 horse thing for me
 CENTAUR
 Short 'n' Swole?
 now
 GGIR
 Are you a furry?
 FORGET THE TOYS
 No but birds are cool
 Okay, well we got options.
 First off, are you actually kind
 of
 misunderstood
 DRAGONBORN
 WE MUST GOO DEEPER
 Close enough
 This isn't a dragon
 Do u even
 lift bro?
 feel pretty
 No problem
 lets move over here
 Actually I'm a Scalie
 OwO
 Okay Fine
 Wait, now it gets
 complicated. Is magic
 or nature more
 important to you?
 Deep Gnome
 Wait does this
 come kid-sized?
 ELF
 DWARF
 No one gets me,
 especially my Mom
 -Wait I don't want to be short-
 Gnome Subrace
 Yay I'm done!
 PHB
 You know what,
 I was the monster
 all along
 AARAKOCRA
 Elemental Evil
 I just wanna soar in the air
 majestic and free
 By Thorin's beard.
 time to drink ale and
 axe things!
 sigh* WHATS YOUR
 FURSONA
 Majestic Eagle or
 Obnoxious Corvid?
 f this is right
 Wait, none
 Elves are and always
 will be badass treehuggers
 Motherfucker I'm
 MADE of Magic
 CAW CAW
 MOTHERFUCKER
 КОBOLD
 KENKU
 So, are you hardier
 like the hills, or
 High Elf
 Wood Elf
 What? Fine. What's
 Volos
 the problem?
 Elf Subrace
 Elf Subrace
 stronger like stone?
 Great! First off. how
 Fun-sized evil it is
 Can't spell Slaughter_
 without Laughter
 do you feel about
 comic relief?
 How do you feel
 about Scales?
 Cat! Meow
 Cow! Moo!
 Neither, I'm angry
 and kind of an asshole
 Elephant... uh...
 .none of the others?
 Hardy n Hilly!
 Nay
 Stone is Strength!
 am actually an
 emotionless
 lizard person
 I'm the DARK AND BADASS
 Alright, why do
 version of some poncy elf,
 dwarf, or other wussy fantasy
 goody two shoes
 GOBLIN
 Do you think this is funny?
 people
 misunderstand you
 Volos
 Right. Sorry. What is
 power to you?
 LOXADON
 TABAXI
 MINOTAUR
 SHIFTER
 I wanted to be
 Dark and Brooding
 Hill Dwarf
 Mountain Dwarf
 Duegar
 Can I be only
 KIND OF Elf-v?
 GGIR
 Volos
 GGtR
 Eberron
 Aren't Elves Faeries?
 Make me goddamn weird and Fev
 When I said Elf
 meant like,
 Dwarf Subrace
 Dwarf Subrace
 Dwarf Subrace
 lermaids
 I'm strong but instead of
 cheery dwarfness you got
 mean dwarfness
 Strength
 Intellect
 I've got sinister horns
 and look like the devil
 Eladrin
 Sea Elf
 Drow
 HALF-ELF
 Elf Subrace
 Elf Subrace
 Elf Subrace
 One of my
 parents is from
 a species that is thought
 to be brutish and cruel
 Are you just looking
 weird's
 this Doint?
 Cool, we actually
 have those if you
 picked that path
 earlier you edgelord
 I'm quick and lithe, like an elf
 but DARK
 you're right. Let's stick to something at least-
 a bit familiar
 I SAID DARK AND BROODING
 Fire Genasi
 Yeah, Fuck vou
 Genasi Subrace
 ean st Wanna be
 magical and pretty
 Like Ted Cruz. Neat.
 I was once holy
 HALF-ORC
 TIEFLING
 MOTHERFUCKING DRAGON
 So wrlat
 scales we talking?
 but now I've FALLEN FROM GRACE
 PHB
 PHE
 Shadar-Kai
 Well, there's only
 one REAL choice.
 Genies are
 Elf Subrace
 Ugh fine. One of your
 a genie
 parents
 Let's Captain
 Planet this shit
 GENASI
 elemental, so pick an
 Yeah that works
 Surprise attacks, or
 But a bit of strength
 is needed too right?
 To conquer?
 Elemental Evil
 element
 Alright. Are you half
 monstrous or hali
 100% human i lame.
 Can I be part fantasy?
 I dunno just general
 reptiles I guess
 Nah, give me some
 monster blood!
 Rock Hard
 Ugh what is it
 on because vou're
 Snek
 baby
 We ail float Actually I wanted
 down here to be Aquaman
 not a coward
 magical and pretty?
 Genies? Get that
 Face them head on,
 I'm no coward!
 Deception is the
 ulimate weapon
 Uh, just give me a
 touch, just enough to
 make it nuanced
 Will Smith shit
 out of my face
 Protector
 Scourge
 Fallen
 owardly
 Tactical prowess
 Earth Genasi
 LIZARDFOLK
 Air Genasi
 Water Genasi
 I'm just lazy
 Aasimar Subrace
 Aasimar Subrace
 Aasimar Subrace
 marks a keen mind
 Genasi Subrace
 Genasi Subrace
 Genasi Subrace
 Volos
 Seriously? How
 about multiverse
 YUAN-TI
 Alright so I can explode heads,
 with my mind right?
 Okay, that's pretty
 fucking out there
 GITH
 Yup! Do you want to
 go part of the way, or
 all the way
 And you will know My name is the Lord
 when I lay My vengeance upon thee
 MtoF
 plane hoppers?
 That's just ugly elves
 with mind powers
 Oh, lets go
 100% monster
 Wait, what's this Intelligence penalty?
 I don't want
 backpedal a bit and be a bit
 Oh I wanna be an angel
 -but not like goody two shoes
 A BAD ANGEL
 You know, light.
 goodness
 yadda yadda
 Not quite. Anyways
 More choices! What
 be stupid,can
 ORC
 BUGBEAR
 НОBGOBLIN
 Gith come in two
 kind of angel?
 Volos
 flavors
 Blue hairless vulcan
 perfectionists? Like
 this isn't even DnD
 more heroic?
 VEDALKEN
 -Fine you got me
 GGR
 Big
 anymore
 WE ARE IMMORTAL
 WE ARE CONQUERERS
 WE ARE GITH
 Zen as fuck
 Kung Fu as Fuck
 Forge Chaos into Reality
 Fuck off Tieflings!
 Can I be a classic Monster?
 Big version or
 Small Version?
 Small
 Vulcans are just space elves
 These fuckers are just milktoast af
 Can I be an animal person?
 Uncommon Races!
 What sounds
 appealing to you?
 Githyanki
 Githzerai
 We're on a mission
 from God
 AASIMAR
 Gith Subrace
 Gith Subrace
 Volos
 OKAY YOU HAVE TENTACLES
 AND MUTATIONS AND YOU'RE
 LITERALLY A MAD SCIENCE
 EXPERIMENT
 SIMIC HYBRID
 This is the shit I'm
 .can I be a doppelganger?
 talking about
 GGIR
 Веер Воор Вoр
 I am Robot
 No I want to be mysterious
 Basically Aquaman
 the best DC superhero
 CHANGELINGS
 Eberron
 KALASHTAR
 Eberron
 TRITON
 WARFORGED
 Wait, can I do this but more Elf-y?-
 Volos
 Eberron
 ..I don't know what this is
 Neither do I. Also
 I'm banning you
 from my game.
A Very Silly Flowchart For Picking Your Next D&D Race

A Very Silly Flowchart For Picking Your Next D&D Race

Blade, Comfortable, and Dumb: Disguised Weapons Posted at: 2010-02-09 06:06:07 Original ad: Disguisable weapons wanted**** Wanted: hidden blades, belt buckle knives, cane swords, etc.. Offering: cash, items for barter From Me to ** @ org: Неу, I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices. Thanks Mike From Jeff ** to Me: I am. lets see what you got. From Me to Jeff*** Jeff, Here you go: Looks like a normal spoon, right? Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5" half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon. I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it Mike From Jeff to Me: that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time From Me to Jeff *** Jeff, I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about Mike to Me From Jeff ** fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can f*ck off From Me to Jeff*** Jeff, Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons that I think you will love: At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo. Sprine Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for sale if you have a Class lll permit. This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun. Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon. Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box. Let me know if you want any of these items. Thanks, Mike From Jeff to Me: youre a f*cking dumbass, shitbrained, asswipe, retarded dipshit. you prob walk around with that shit too you dumb mother f*cker. I hope you get hit by a car. fck off, eat shit, and die Old but gold
Blade, Comfortable, and Dumb: Disguised Weapons
 Posted at: 2010-02-09 06:06:07
 Original ad:
 Disguisable weapons wanted****
 Wanted: hidden blades, belt buckle knives, cane swords, etc..
 Offering: cash, items for barter
 From Me to **
 @
 org:
 Неу,
 I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several
 fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested
 and I will send you pictures and prices.
 Thanks
 Mike
 From Jeff **
 to Me:
 I am. lets see what you got.
 From Me to Jeff***
 Jeff,
 Here you go:
 Looks like a normal spoon, right?
 Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5" half-smooth, half-serrated knife with
 tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next
 you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.
 I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take
 a look at it
 Mike
 From Jeff
 to Me:
 that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to
 offer, dont waste my time
 From Me to Jeff ***
 Jeff,
 I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other
 weapons that I think you will feel differently about
 Mike
 to Me
 From Jeff **
 fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can f*ck off
 From Me to Jeff***
 Jeff,
 Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons
 that I think you will love:
 At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close
 enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be
 able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase.
 Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo.
 Sprine
 Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of
 soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any
 kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for
 sale if you have a Class lll permit.
 This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a
 Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft
 quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun.
 Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have
 a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon.
 Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box.
 Let me know if you want any of these items.
 Thanks,
 Mike
 From Jeff
 to Me:
 youre a f*cking dumbass, shitbrained, asswipe, retarded dipshit. you prob
 walk around with that shit too you dumb mother f*cker. I hope you get hit by
 a car. fck off, eat shit, and die
Old but gold

Old but gold